requested #11

I am traveling to Japan and I have to post something so you people won't abandon me before I get back, so here are the requested writings.

Today's Topic: American Endings

Imagine, if you will, the movie, "Gladiator" shot with an American ending. Our hero, Maximus, would live and the story would end with him sitting on the recently vacated thrown of Rome. There would be flowers, dancing midgets, pan flutes and all that other Terry Gilliam-esque period piece ticker tape flying around. That's an American ending.

I know what you're thinking. "Gladiator was American made", wrong. It was directed by a Brit, was cast full of Brits, Germans, Aussies, Irishmen, Afrikaners and Ugandans( Or what ever that black guy was). Even the two Americans in the film, Joquin Phoenix and that other guy (soldier buddy of Maximus) are two hippies, which, in assessing are not "American" film ending actors. Both of them can be found in dozens of low budget, artsy films. None of which have American endings. AND, Mr. Phoenix comes from a Hippie family from Florida which is the same as saying, "European" so perhaps he doesn't count against the total, and that leaves just the one American on the set.

An American ending is one where love conquers all, the truth sets us free, Joanie does love Chachi and the Beav does learn not to play with matches. It's the notion that Americans are brought up to expect and will not live without. That, in the end, it all works out for the best. No matter what. As Americans, we are expected to see life this way and we are trained by our pop culture to accept this as fact. This is why we don't believe conspiracy theorists. We don't believe that bad things happen and that bad people get away with awful things. WE REALLY don't want to believe that it can happen to us now. We feel we are too smart and that there is really no such thing as someone that is that evil that doesn't get caught. We believe this because we know that James Bond, Rambo and those guys from Mission Impossible will bring them down and save us. We are stunned that 9-11 happened, I guess John McLane didn't answer the riddle fast enough.

Europeans and really, the rest of the world, all see the world in a more, well, worldly and honest way. Their realities are much more real. More grounded and their art and pop culture reflect that. A good European movie might end with the bad guys winning and the good guy marrying the shallow, evil vamp and not the pollyanna girl next door with a heart of gold. Asian films show us that love is rarely a factor that determines an outcome and people can die without ever feeling loved, being love, or making love. Asian films show us that there is a dark, real side to everything and that most of the time Serendipity is just a funny sounding word and not the fate of each lover. Rarely in an Eastern European film will you see the ugly, funny guy get the girl. She sees him for the ugly, unsexy bastard that he is and isn't about to waste her time no matter how hard he fights for her. Eastern Europeans are also fond of killing children in films and having children watch their families die in front of them and then never living to see them avenged. South America loves to show the bad guys as good guys and there idea of horror is two steps above what we casual American horror audiences think of as horror. They will show a pregnant woman murdered in graphic detail and then show someone eating her and the fetus... Yes, it was a huge hit down south. Here, that kind of thing isn't going to make it into the American release. (and it wasn't)

American audiences are tame, lame and heat pasteurized. They know that the ending of the film won't leave them with a huge hole in their hearts or a question in their heads. They want to walk out of a film and be excited that the black cop in "Die Hard" shot the bad guy in the end. They sleep peacefully at night knowing that the children will always be reunited with their families, the good guy will always get the right gal, the bad guy will always die or go to jail and that the snobby girl will always fall in the mud in the end. We have come to expect this so much that when directors try to do something different or try to recreate a European film for American audiences, the ending must always fit into that formula so that Americans will accept it. Some common examples : "Dodgeball" ended with the bad guys winning it all. The studio saw this and made them reshoot the ending so the good guys one. "The Vanishing" in Europe the bad guy kills good guy without any struggle. In the American version, the good guy narrowly escapes death and beats the bad guy, which takes away from the pure moral of the story.

There has been a trend in the past few years to keep American made remakes of foreign films as close as possible to the original. Case in point, "Psycho" by Gus Van Sant and "The Ring" formerly a dark Japanese film, now an American film that was shot to look low budget and smart. The idea with "The Ring" was that if you didn't put big name stars in it and you shot it in Canada and you barely advertised the film, then it would look like an original concept by some smart young film director. The idea worked until someone got wise and released the original "Ringu" and then the idea was shot to hell. SO, being Hollywood, they released a shiny, shitty sequel. (so did the Japanese)

American endings reflect American mentality. The day we see movies end poorly (To live and die in LA) and we see it consistently, then we know we, as a nation, have made it through our emotional puberty. Remember, on a time line, we are still the young kids on the block. Eventually our souls and emotions will catch up with the rest of the world, hopefully after the awkward acne stage has ended.

the hidden power of water

During the long days of summer, when the farm is full of activity, it's hard to find moments to sit down and just take in the glory of it all. The amount of manual labor that it takes to keep a small farm running when you're just one against all of nature is immense. The animals constantly need attention, the field needs attention, the farm, in general, needs attention. Things need to be picked up, built, moved, removed, reworked, watered and fed. It's a lot and there is really not enough time in a 14 hour day to get it done, especially when a sprinkler is on.

Sprinklers are just amazing and I am not talking about the silent little water spouts that leaks on the lawn every so often, I am talking the magical, rhythmic, hypnotizing sprinklers that you can't take your eyes off of. The ones that wave back and forth are the worst type of moisture Sirens, they can draw you in for hours as you just watch the water shoot out, crest ever so lightly and fall like mist on to the grass. Then, just to make it even more tantalizing, it slowly moves to one side, crawls to a stop and then slowly crawls back toward the top, flips over and then back down on the other side. It's pure child-like joy to watch. I have one of those sprinklers and I don't use it, not because it sucks the hours out of my day but because one of the jets is broken and it creates a noticeable gap in the water wall, which is completely unacceptable. I am grateful for that clogged jet, a lot got done this summer because of it.

Out in the pasture are two hard working sprinklers. The rugged kind that smack the jetting water on the side with a piece of metal so that it can move around and around from the recoil. These sprinklers are the ones that most people think of when you think, "sprinkler". It doesn't really "sprinkle" per se, but we still put describe it in that way. It's more of a water cannon that shoots water out thirty or forty feet in any one direction. These are not as hypnotic to watch, but they are more interesting to study and a lot can be learned in their labor.

Rain in the summer is the holy grail to country folks. It's not as common as it used to be say, before Reagan, but I think that is what makes it so valuable and appreciated now. If it still rained everyday and made the valleys full of orchards and farm land grow and prosper, it would diminish the amount of headache and complaining that is so necessary for fueling a farmer's resolve. Farmer's need a challenge to keep them on that tractor and easy farming would make everyone want to do it and thus take away from the overall attractiveness of the lifestyle. No one wants to farm, except people with defeatist mentalities that want life to throw every road block it can in their way. These are rare people that need a valid reason for their frustration.

Small doses of rain over a long summer means that issues that you would normally not think about are thrust into your everyday conversation. "Water rights" becomes a phrase you use a lot and you only use it when you're complaining about it, which you do a lot. No rain at all means you have to look to irrigation to keep things growing. Irrigation means government regulations. Government regulations mean getting involved with the community, the state and the federal debates over water rights, air quality and abortion. ( In some weird way, yes it does) Farmers, normally sullen, docile, self-loathing people, have an outward focus for their building rage. They get active, they vote, they run for office and one peanut farmer made it to the highest office in the land he was so outraged. I'm sure it was a water right's issue that set him off. Moisture is important and the lack of it means farmers in the White House. It's a very delicate matter.

The less it rains around my house, and I have no crops to whine about, the more I have to water the field so that the horses can have grass to eat. The only benefit of this, less money spent on hay. That's it. So the watering continues 24 hours a day and sadly, most of the water evaporates before it can soak in to the ground. I am constantly moving the sprinkler three or four times a day to cover an area that is ten times larger than the reach of the sprinkler's water cannon abilities. As soon as one part of the field dries up, you move the sprinkler, which dries out another part, so you move it over there, then another dries up, etc.

A sprinkler cannot cover the same ground with the same amount of proficiency as rain. I know this must come as a shock to many of you, but it's true. However, unlike rain, a sprinkler will stay at it. Covering it's field of influence as long as you let it. It doesn't complain about it and it does what it can to do exactly what you ask of it. The 900 square feet or so that it can water, it does and it's only goal is to keep that 900 square feet alive. That's as far as the sprinkler can reach and it can not be held accountable for that which it cannot cover, that part is up to you. Keeping nature alive requires an understanding between man and machine. They must work together or it's massive destruction and a peanut farmer will rule them all.

When I think about all of this I am baffled. It makes me want to watch that sprinkler and somehow figure out a way to help it, however, watering evenly with a sprinkler is something that my presence would only hinder. My body would block a certain amount of water from reaching some areas and those areas would soon dry out and die, because of me and my wide girth. Best just to leave that sprinkler alone and "let it do what it do".

We are in fall now and the temperature doesn't suck the moisture out of the ground. Ten minutes of sprinkler attention and the ground is fully saturated. Of course, there is nothing that is willing to grow at this time of year other than alien weeds that will grow no matter what time of year it is. Even with the knowledge that the watering isn't helping matters, the watering continues and the sprinkler can be heard in the dead of night, swacking away at the side of the water spout, drowning the ground with the hopes that it will make that pasture lush and green for the spring.

CURSE OF THE LEGEND OF THE ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE QUESTIONS OF THE WEAK MOUNTAIN, THE WRATH OF KHAN

You have been very critical of artists, women, politicians and christians, what makes you think you're that special?

At what point have any of the above listed groups NOT been hyper critical of others themselves? Artists.. Most writers can't stand other writers. Painters hate other painters. Comics usually hate other comics. Singer/songwriters always think other singer/songwriters suck. Women absolutely can't hide their hatred for other women and they constantly complain about men in general terms when they are not bashing on one or two men individually. Politicians need to be critical to define their positions as opposed to a real person that defines themselves by what they do, not by what they don't do that others DO do. Christians.... 100 billion dead and counting, all in the name of God, Jesus and their critical nature of those that do not agree with them and, not all of those deaths were pain free, easy deaths. I would like to think that I am the average critical man with a smart ass tone that seems to make my criticisms stand out with a bit more tang than the average barb, jab, slam or bite. No one is above criticism or being critical. Hence; your criticism of me disguised as a question.

How come we never see photos of any of the things you write about?

I am not much of a photo person but I promise to work on it. I will work on getting more visuals for those of you that like your books with pictures. What do you want to see? Dead chickens? Heidi chewing on her leg? My tummy rolling over my pants? Or just nudes?

What would happen if a ski resort opened in the mountains near your house? Would you move?

There is a ski resort of sorts. It's just open in the day light hours and it doesn't see that much snow, so it's not open very much. However, if it did see more snow and it was open for more than six hours a day and it had a hotel, lodge or whatever, then I think it would bring some much needed work, moolah and sexy ski bunnies that our little hamlet desperately needs. The forgottens know how to keep people away from them and I don't think we have to worry about a ski resort any time soon. The one that is here is for sale and anybody could come in and make it something but no one wants too. I think that says a lot. Our mountains are cursed. Would I move? Not for that reason.

Did you know that there's a movie called, "The Green Mile"? (in reference to the "long yellow mile" post)

You are kidding me! WOW! That is SO weird! What's it about? Chickens?

What does feckless mean?

Feckless: It means someone or something that is worthless.

Do you think they will ever impeach (George) Bush?

No. He will skate through. However, others will not be as lucky. He will stand alone as the only non-guilty party involved in politics. If he has been anything to the last six years of American Politics, he has just been the Republican parties, "Mother Night". He is a figure head-talking moron that is truly not guilty of any crimes other than being an Idiot from Connecticut with a southern accent. Those that ran the country will suffer and be disavowed and leave poor George to run things alone. That should be fun. If he doesn't resign, a darker branch of the government will step up to run things. You don't want that.

What are you going to be for Halloween?

Nothing. I just like to look at the lovely people and hand out candies filled with poison, razors and hope. I get into Valentine's day and that's really the only true holiday. If any of you are dressing up as a sexy -blah, blah, blah. I would love photos.
Would you marry me and my husband in Hawaii?

First, the whole Danist thing is not really a religion and I am not really an ordained minister or legal administrator that can "marry" anyone. However, if you are asking me to "marry" you, as in proposal, then I have to say no. I can't. But I would like to go to the wedding, especially if it's in the wedding state. The last visit to Hawaii was for a wedding, it was a hoot and I would love to go back. I'm not sure if I would be the best person for officiating a wedding anyway. The bride always looks so hot I'm not sure I could focus. If the man cries and looks so emasculated, I just want to slap him and run off with his bride for some prima noctre.

What's your definition of a good writer?

Ohhhhhhh...... Touchy. I think a good writer has a good sense of self and isn't afraid to put the word on the page. An average writer uses pure selfish emotion to motivate the words and it reads like sappy, sentimental dribble which is void of contrast. I think a good writer has simple ideas made they can make into complex ones. I think a good writer doesn't think above the reader but on the same level and it will show in their choice of imagery and reaction. I think a good writer should keep writing until all the work in their head is tapped out and they should not wait until inspiration finds them. OR, they can just be Mark Twain.
What do you consider to be your worst trait?

I think my worst trait is that I can easily separate myself without regret which doesn't create a sense of stability in those people around me that feel they need that. I think I hurt people's feelings when I don't mean to. It's a pretty bad trait. And I like to lightly push people for no reason and I don't mean mentally, I mean physically push them. Just a slow nudge just enough for me to see them move a bit then I stop. I was told by a doctor that it's a pretty common trait for people with extremely high levels of Dopamine in their system. I have extremely high levels of Dopamine in my system and I love to do it. I have never hurt anyone and I like the fact that no one says anything when I do it, they just slowly move and don't acknowledge the pressure at all. It's weird and I still love to do it.

Thank you all so much for the questions and the tolerance to put up with a whole week of them. I am sorry if you didn't see the answers you were hoping for. For those of you Jones-ing for a real post they start again tomorrow. THEN, I start the requested ones. You can send in submissions, but I have a ton still left from the last few times I have done it. However, if yours is better, then I will do that one. NO MORE BULLSHIT ABOUT FOREIGN COUNTRIES!

Thank you and good night.

BRIDE OF THE QUESTIONS OF THE WEAK

Why did you put those ads on your blog?

This blog is about two or three hours of my day - sometimes more. It's my great guilty pleasure to do it and I get a real thrill from the emails... some of the time. However, it would be nice to think that I could sustain myself on just the blog alone. Now wouldn't that be a thing. Book one is in the mail, two and three are being edited and put together and I am still in the hole for this whole thing. So a few ads can't hurt. Besides, I never see them. Do they bother everyone that much?

Do you regret anything?

Sure I do. There are tons of moments in my life that didn't work out the way I wanted them too. Left turns when it should have been a right, and they kill me every time I think of it. But, I don't dwell on it. I know there was an error and I hope that I learned something from it, but I don't cry at night thinking back on the mountain of screw ups. My biggest regrets are choices that I didn't make. Places, meals, people, careers that I didn't choose and missed out on.

Where is the center of the Danist Universe?

I want to be cleaver with this one. "In the minds of those that read this blog". Actually there is an interpretive center in downtown Ft. Collins, Colorado. There you can meet an animatronic me, buy my books, my music cds (the ones I am getting rid of, not ones I recorded), watch a film of my early years, see the live, musical version of "Daniel in Moscow" which is a collection of my stand up shows put to music. There is a museum of my belongings which has the only scratch and sniff display in the world. It's fun for the whole family.

I know it's been asked before, but how many men and women have you slept with?

A lot. The total number escapes me. It's a lot though. Most of the action taking place in the late 80's and early 90's. At that time, I would say the weekly average is 7 to 10 people per week. A few slow months over... eight years. Do the math.

Do you think you'll ever get married?

No. It's not in the cards for me and let's be honest, do you think there are a lot of women that would be able to put up with me for a life time? I think I am best summed up in the words of a few of my friend's who said, "You're a force of nature with a trail of destruction in your wake" and "You're dick is cursed". I think that pretty much sums it up.

Do you think Tom Cruise can cure depression with vitamins and exercise?

Sure, his own. And to some extent, his children. If he believes it, I'm sure he can do it. His children, if they love him, will be believe it and that should help them over come it as well. As far as Tom heading out on the road to cure people as he comes in contact with them - no. He is too short and his nose is too large for his body. He can't cure depression.

Did you know that Tesla was a bachelor and died alone?

Yes. And I know that his works live on today and that he was run over by a taxi in New York. I would like to think that he focused his energy (pun) on work and not on dating. I think if he had focused half as much energy (ha) on dating he would have been quite the Casanova.

How do you feel about Capital Punishment?

I am for it. I know I have answered this one before. I think we don't use it enough. If you want it to be effective. Use it all the time. Not just for one kind of crime and don't let it take twelve years to get to it. Steal a car, get caught, beheaded two days later. If you are actually caught in the act of a crime, then it should be instantaneous death. If they discover it was you through costly detective work and legal wranglings, then it's a slow painful death. I think that should help the crime rate.

How do you feel about legalized marijuana?

I don't smoke it, I don't care. Pot heads are less than humorous people, but I don't care if people use it. Legal or otherwise. Go for it. What difference does it make in the long term? I wonder if California, which is smoke free, but has legalized marijuana, will reverse it's law and allow pot in bars? In cars? Hmmmmm.
Do you have any special powers?

This wins the award for the most entertaining question I have ever been asked. To put it in context for the readers, it's the only question in this email. It's the only thing in the email period. No name, no nothing. The answer... I can move the sun across the sky from east to west, by pointing my finger at it. I do it everyday. If I die, it will stop moving, so you can never ever come here and disturb my concentration or we will all burn up.

What's the longest amount of time you have gone with food? Sleep?

Food - two days. It was an accident. I just forgot to eat. Sleep - six days. Again, I was too busy to notice that I hadn't slept. I was working two jobs, going to school and I just kept putting it off. It's amazing to think back on that week. It ended with me passing out during my clinicals in an Emergency Room. It didn't go over well with my instructors who thought I was strung out to begin with.

Are you ticklish?

Yes. And I know ways to prevent people from getting to those spots. I am not against hitting someone to prevent a tickling.

MORE TO COME...

SON OF THE QUESTIONS OF THE WEAK

Where do you see yourself in five years? In ten years?

Health on my side.. I would like to have the first BOOK OF DANIEL ready for release. I would like to be living somewhere comfortable, writing, touring and laughing. I have no real image of a defined future that I can lay out for you. In ten years, I would like to think that I would be up for parole and ready to walk.
Will you get another dog when Heidi takes her leave?

Yes. There is a plan in the works to get another dog before she departs so that she can train it to country living. AND, Heidi would like a friend.

Will you one day have a place to call your own? Do you want that?

Sure, but it would still not be the goal for me to have a solid rock like base. I don't see myself as a stable person. ( I know there are some of you that will run with that one) I have lived a very transitory life for over twenty years and I am not sure if I am capable of staying put. However, living day to day means that you CAN stay in one place for up to twenty or thirty years, but you will only do so with the knowledge that you can leave at any moment. Not the best attitude to have when it comes to ownership.

What happened to your Garfield curtains? What was on them?

I think they were left behind in a trauma move when I was younger. I'm sure they have long since faded. I think the scene on them was Garfield napping over and over again. I think.

Where is the best place to hit someone to stop a fight and why?

Hit them in several places, choose your favorite or the most accessible. Knees - hurts like a bitch if you hit a knee in any of the directions that it doesn't bend in. Groin - on men, it's not the dick you're trying to get but the balls. A light grazing of the testes and its' rolling on the ground time. On women - It hurts, but not with the same magnitude. Throat - stops, drops and rolls them every time. It doesn't take that much force to be effective either. Take your finger and flick your throat very lightly. Add a little pressure and that's a stinger. Of course, if you can, grab a large mass of hair from the top of their head and pull it straight down in front of you and then bring anything up to meet their face. That should also do the trick. Most people can take a punch when a fight is on so don't rely on face punches or tummy slaps to do the trick.

Do you like to shop? What is your favorite store?

Yes, I do. My favorite time to shop is when I need things. I also enjoy the frivolous shopping when the items are purely vanity purchases or gifts to people that I know will enjoy them. However, I have trained myself to not buy things at all, just pick them up, think about it and then abandon them and walk away. It's shopping in harmony with my soul. I get the thrill of the purchase and the sense of relief of not having spent the cash. My favorite store - bookstores.

Why don't men like date to single mothers?

Oh, this should be obvious, but okay... They like you, but it's a lot to ask someone to not only get to know you, but your kids and their dads. It's not the sexiest notion that a man can have. I do know that men will date single mothers, but it's a harder break up and the single mothers can ask for more than a no-parent. For instance, a night with a single mother could be eating at Chuck E Cheese with kids or watching "Finding Nemo" instead of going to bar and then heading home to make a video... Men will do it, but they have to be in the right mood. I think it's the same mentality that women have with dating married men. They'll do it, if they're in the right mood, but not all the time. (I know, bring it on...)

Why don't men like to cuddle?

Cuddling, will happen. It won't happen after every sexual experience and it generally won't happen at the frequency that you want it too, but it will happen. Men like to cuddle, but they don't like to be forced into it. They can get kinda sick of being asked or pressured into it when they don't feel like it and that creates a stigma about cuddling. Men are more needy so therefore they will cuddle when they need it. Sadly, after sex isn't the best time to reach out to a man. They are no longer full of the love that they had for you before the orgasm and could care less that you are there. You want to cuddle, they want to move out. Give him some time. He's a cuddler, trust me.

What is the best city you have visited? Why?

Portland, Oregon. It's functional, clean, useful and I like the fact that it cultivates art, humor, thinking and topless bars. It's also a pretty beautiful city by design and minus the fact that you can't swim in the river that flows through it, it's a very healthy place to live.

Beauty and sexiness are different. How can sexiness be learned/taught?

Beauty is found in those lucky enough to be blessed by nature and maintained by those with large grooming budgets and time. Sexiness is pure personality. Sexiness is not found in size, color, textures or aromas. The great rub.. Sexy people are rarely beautiful by the standards of magazines. Beautiful people are so hung on being beautiful, that they never work on the traits that would make them sexy. Not so beautiful people have to work harder at attracting people so they work on their personalities which is how they become sexy. You can not make someone beautiful unless you have thousands of dollars of expendable cash to waste on surgery, but you can make someone sexy. Why do this? Because beauty fades and sexy is forever. To teach sexiness, it requires humbling the beautiful person and showing them their personality and making them see the obvious deficiencies. Usually, lack of effort, lack of variable interesting traits, and inability to promote sexy qualities over vanity. Beautiful people love their looks and it has worked for them their whole lives and they rarely have to use their personality to make friends, etc. So, in order to teach sexiness, you have to make them appreciate their personality over their looks. You have to make them abandon their passion for appearance and make them focus on self. I start by telling someone to tell me the story of themselves at 85. What kind of person are they - and work backwards from there until they see that they are shallow and empty - then help them fill that emptiness with personality. ( I can see I need to post this... )
What makes a good, interesting blog? Can anyone do it?

An interesting blog - Honest content. Can anyone do it - No. Sadly, most people write as if they are sending a note to a friend in high school. It's empty and contains nothing but fluff. To be interesting it should be focused, thoughtful and brutally true. Something that most people do not do in writing. They continue the lies they tell themselves in private in their written work. They don't include the truth as it should be but as they want it to be and that is where they die on the vine. They sound like everyone else and it's dull.

Your ideas may seem to radical for the "dime a dozen" type of person, what do you want those people to take from your writing?

I hope that people read this and just read it. I am not sure that everyone sees my humor or will agree with my viewpoint on everything. I know that most people that read this assume the worst of me and that does bother me from time to time. Especially when it comes to issues that involve racism, women's rights, children, gun ownership and fucking habits. When that happens, I think of the kind words that I get and I think they balance each other out. I know that there have been times when I have posted something and people have taken in a whole new direction from where I was writing it from, that's scary, but to be expected. How many ways can you say the same thing and make it's definition change each time? I thought that people would ask more questions about the roots of the writing, but I rarely see that. I usually get emails from people that have already decided the genesis and are writing to me to bash me, love me or laugh. I hope that the writing is enjoyed, appreciated and discussed. As any writer will tell you.

Some of the things people ask for the Questions Of The Weak are pretty dull... can you please tell your other readers to be more imaginative?

Yes, I can. Readers! Hey! Be more imaginative. Much like the person who asked this exciting, winner question.

Do you think it's possible/probable for men and women to both get what they want/need from a relationship?

This question is best answered on a person to person, couple to couple basis. Some men don't have the need or desire and some women don't either. Is it possible or probable? Yes, absolutely. It happens all the time. And if you can't get everything you need, you will get it elsewhere, is that any reason to end the relationship you're in? Did you ever play to ends against the middle? Everyone does it. No one person is perfect for another. Think of it as a 1000 piece puzzle that a few pieces are missing from. It's always been that way in every type of relationship, no matter what the dynamic.

MORE TO COME.....

REVENGE OF THE QUESTIONS OF THE WEAK

Can you sing? What's your favorite song?

I tend to sing a lot and I will not qualify that with a "only in my car" etc. I sing all the time. The catch to my singing is that I don't sing the whole song or even the right words to the song. I like to sing a song mixed together with other songs, with words of my own choosing. My favorite song changes from day to day, moment to moment. Today the song of choice is Lunatic Fringe. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's because the way he verbalizes "lunatic fringe" sounds so generic, which allows any four syllable phrase to fit in there.

How many movies have you seen?

Let's put it this way, I can usually recognize a movie during the pre-film Universal, Paramount or 20 century fox logo. I have seen tens of thousands of movies. Almost all of them were viewed before I was 28. I have the knowledge, try me....

What did the pep club lady say to you after you made fun of her?

I wrote a post where I made reference to the pep club banner making society as big paper wasters. A reader in Texas wrote back and very graciously informed me that she was on the banner making society and that I was wrong. They didn't use new paper, they recycled their banners when they could by painting over them. Which makes them the biggest wasters of white paint in the world.

What is your deal with Hippies?

I really have no issues with them. I am not a fan of extremist anybodies, and so I tend to group hippies in with neo-Christian pro-lifers. They share the same amount of judgmental behavior which entails disruptions of your casual day with commentary about their borrowed, narrow minded world view and a sense that they need to re-educate the world to see the genius that they have discovered. "The world will be a better place when everyone agrees with me!"

Have you ever been in a fight?

Yes. Many. There are all types of fights and other than fighting for my political life, I think I have seen most of them.
How's your urban legend coming along? Need help?

My urban legend wasn't hard to put together, it's hard to spread it around. There needs to be other ways to get people to believe in these silly little stories. Help? Can you come fix my bathroom?

How do you describe a person wearing a cowboy hat with a thick gold chain and combat boots and baggy pants?

Gay. Or Ashton Kutcher.

What was the worst part about killing the chickens?

The smell of burning chicken hair. Yes, they have hair on their bodies. It had to be burned off after they were plucked. Which wasn't' a great treat either. It smelled like human flesh burning.

Do you think less of men or women?

This comes from the Delicate thorny flowers post where I talked about men and what they want when it comes to women. If you read the post, I try to show that I think the same about everyone. I am not trying to place one sex above or below another. I think it's pretty obvious that neither sex has their shit straight and neither sex can claim supremacy over the other. As to my own feelings; Women are pretty obnoxious when they are emotional and catty and men are even more obnoxious when they are emotional and start wars or cry during "Brian's Song".

Are there any bad restaurants in your town?

Well. There are restaurants that are not as good as others, but we have four posh little restaurants, so it's not fair to compare a normal, small town restaurant to one of these. In any other town, the non-posh diners would probably be prom worthy. There is one that is pretty bad, but we don't speak of it. Let's just say, I would rather eat at one of the four gas stations in town that also serve food before I eat there.

How's your heart?

It's good. It turns out that late night coffee, late night eating or eating after say six, is one of the main reasons for the discomfort. I cut down on the smoking and that helped I'm sure. I still have a way to go. My diet is still rich in sugar, salt and fat and that isn't making the matter any better, but I am working on it and I think three weeks in the Orient will help that along.
How's Heidi's health?

Heidi is a big question mark. Her leg is worse and she chews on what looks like a tumor growing on her leg all the time. She is slow to rise but once she has her legs, she is fine. The thick coat that haunts her breed has returned and the fall weather isn't dropping fast enough to justify it, but she is a trooper and hasn't died yet. I shall tell her you care.
You have never shown compassion for any of the survivors of any of the hurricanes, tsunamis or other disasters, aren't you ashamed? Are you soulless? What's wrong with you?

So many questions. Am I ashamed? No. How dare you seek to justify your feelings and control issues involved with them by using death, loss or "change" as a reason. You can't handle the natural order of life, then you have some things you need to work on, most notably, your neediness to feel like you own the perfection that is the world. Am I soulless? No. I love Roberta Flack. What's wrong with me? Nothing that has to do with hurricanes, tsunamis or other natural weather occurrences. I ask you this? Did you cry as much for the hurricane victims as you did for the people that died in the heat wave that killed over a hundred in Chicago two years ago? No. You probably didn't even notice that. Not a disaster unless there's a telethon.

MORE TOMORROW.....

RETURN OF THE QUESTIONS OF THE WEAK

You asked, some of you asked the same question, which will only be answered once, but here it is...

Why did you change the name of your blog from Daniel lives here to just Daniel?

The name changed when it became clear that the people reading it were no longer people I knew personally and so I didn't feel the name was appropriate. Daniel was the easiest way to name it without trying to be cute.

Have you eaten one of your chickens yet?

No, most of them have walked off the property to neighbors and they say they're delicious, however, I have not eaten one yet.

Did killing chickens change your mind about eating them?

No. I think I enjoy chicken more now. Chickens are a hard animal to live with, there is loads of untimely crowing, chicken shit everywhere and they are generally pretty boring as pets go, so eating them seems to be sweet revenge. However, I will never eat chicken SKIN again. You don't want to know why.

Is Johnny Depp a Caine-Murray award winner?

No. He would be but it's impossible to sit and watch, "What's eating Gilbert Grape?" and his presence in "Nightmare on Elm Street" didn't save it or make it worth watching.

Do you condone Homosexuality?

I don't think I am in a position to judge. My opinion is thus, Who gives a shit? My attitude toward the sex lives of others can be easily summed up like this, There are those that will sleep with me and there are those that won't sleep with me. I seem to like those that will sleep with me more than the ones that won't. End of story.

Will you poop in public?

Give me a moment to stop laughing... Ummmm, sure. If I have to go, I guess I have to go. If you are referring to pooping IN FRONT OF the general public, I think I might have a problem unless there was money involved. But if you are referring to pooping in a public bathroom, I have my standards.. Must be a nice hotel bathroom, a hospital or other lesser used toilet, otherwise, no, I can't do it. Unless of course, there's money involved.

Marking your territory is hysterical, would you ever let someone pee on you?

Again, I AM NOT INTO WATER SPORTS. (I do sense a theme to these questions, don't you?) No, no peeing on me unless I have been stung by a jellyfish or there's money involved. I was once asked to pee on someone sexually but was unable to do it, I can't believe that I have an emotional scar from NOT being able to pee on someone.

What would make you put a blonde streak in your hair?

I wanted one. My hair is much longer than when I first dyed it and the streak looks more like a lone highlight streaking down the side of my head. It makes me really sexy so back off.

Your grasp of the English language is abhorrent, did you graduate from high school?

Yes. HA. It wasn't the experience that I wanted it to be, but I did it. I will admit to having left most of my knowledge of the English language in my locker along with a bunch of crap that I didn't think I would ever use after graduation. I'm pretty sure it's still there.

Do you fish?

No. Go fish.

Does your house have electricity?

Well, yes it does. Let me paint a picture... Old white farm house. Wrap around porch. Large tan barn with matching chicken coop - metal sided and only footsteps away from the back porch. Large gravel drive. From my smoking perch on the front porch I look north in to the starry sky above the foothills. To my left - a valley that leads to town, beyond that is the great expanse of the Palouse. To my right - the valley that leads into the forgottens. Behind the house... danger! There is water, electricity, television and a working oven. The toilet flushes, the shower works and there is no foundation so the house is crooked in every direction.

What part of Missouri are you from?

Kansas City.

Can you describe yourself in less that ten words?

Yes.

Ever notice how much you write about fencing? Do you think that it's a subconscious metaphor for your life?

subconscious metaphor? I'm not really sure what that is, but I know that fencing and my life are almost one and the same. Check this out... I am either building fences to keep things IN or I am building fences to keep things OUT. Sometimes I build a fence for both. I am also tearing fences DOWN all the time. Fences that OTHER people built to keep things IN or OUT, but now they are gone and they don't do either. Now is that deep or what? The depth of the fencing issue is this... Animals have a tendency to wander without them and it's a major pain to chase them down. Fences are a luxury not unlike your remote control. It's not required, but it makes the whole overall experience more worthwhile.

Why don't you write more about your political views?

I do, and it meets with a lot of scorn from the readers. Most of you have indicated that you will not read my politically motivated entries because they either piss you off or you don't understand them. AND, I think I summed up everything that needed to be said about the present day political world when I asked everyone to vote Republican across the board last October. Remember? I said this would happen if Bush won and I was right, so now I am trying to be humble and not say, "I told you so" every day.

When did you start smoking?

When I was young. My grandmother felt is was a good idea for me to smoke so that I could not become addicted to drugs. In her assessment, you could only be addicted to one thing. Smoking was the lesser to all evils. Of course, I am not sure why it was important for me to be addicted to anything at all. Thanks grandma.

What is your favorite meal?

Tuna fish, cottage cheese, water crackers. Black pepper. Which is tied with anything BBQ.

Has this blog changed your life in any way?

Sure it has. I love writing it and I love reading the emails that you send to me about it. It's one of the greatest sources of joy that I have in my life and I enjoy the creative process. I will admit that I don't read my own blog and that I am shocked when people ask me something about it. They will write and say something nice or meaningful and I won't have a clue what they are referring to. Such as the peeing on people question, I had to go back and check the post that they were referring to, read it and then I got what it was they were asking. It turns out that I use this blog to get stuff out of my head which is very helpful in my day. Sadly, my inability to recall any of it makes it difficult to enjoy it with others. AND, I spend hours working on this blog and have yet to make a dime.... Enjoy!


TO BE CONTINUED....

safe southern attribute

I have lived with the slightest southern accent my whole life and it's something that I have tried very, very hard to cover up. On most occasions, my accent leads people to believe that I am the worst kind of southerner and I should be treated accordingly. People think I am a racist, sexist, Nascar fan, hunter, pick up truck owner, tobacco chewer, titty bar regular, and just plain stupid. These conclusions are easy to jump too and I am used to it. Most of the time the people that think these things of me are people I could care less about anyway. However, there are times when having a southern accent comes in handy. Certainly the charm of the southern gentleman has long been a seduction technique that has worked for traveling "rebs" on more than one occasion and I am as guilty as the next Reb for working the magic on the Yankee girls that lift their skirts so easily when they hear the syrupy sounds of Dixie.

The southern persona for all of it's faults does carry with it a terrific stigma that is a joy to own up too. The only time I can think of that being from the south is considered a measure of quality is when people are referring to cooking. Someone who grew up in the north, having never seen the Mason-Dixon line in their life, and would never willing admit that they have southern roots, will stand on a table top and shout at the top of their lungs that they have southern roots, only when it comes to their prowess in the kitchen. "OF COURSE I CAN COOK!!!! MY GRANDMOTHER IS FROM MEMPHIS!!" As if to say, "You can't doubt my ability to do long division, my grandfather is from India." It has the same ring to it.

My whole life, the dark shadow of my southern-ness has haunted me. I try to talk to people and they will catch a word and feel the need to repeat it to me in a mocking mimicry. "You said, yeee-allllll. I heard you say, yeee-alll. Say it again" Yes, you silly shit, I said, Ya'll. People love to do this and it takes away from whatever I might have been talking about. I could be revealing the cure of cancer on live television - billions of people watching and I could stumble into "ya'll" and half the world would think that i was joking from that point on. The other half wouldn't believe me because southerners are notoriously stupid and there is no way that someone from Missouri could have cured cancer in between Nascar races and professional wrestling.

Cooking. For some reason, southerners have all the glory. (And everywhere south of America as well) It's as if the southern accent is added to the food and it makes it taste better. Fried chicken made from someone in North Dakota will never taste as good as the fried chicken made by someone in Alabama, even if the person in North Dakota had made it a million times and the person in Alabama bought theirs frozen and heated it up in the microwave. I have tasted a lot of southern food and not all of it's the power and the glory that people claim it to be. I have eaten some food that is so rich in salt, butter, lard and Lawry's that is practically death on a stick. It touches your lips and your heart just stops. You would swear that some of the food is just deep fried colon cancer.

There are great cooks all over the world and it strikes me that the only true trait of a great chef is that they have American southern roots. The greatest French chef with all the fame, glory and respect in the world is nothing compared to Martha Rodgers of 4920 Alcorn Street, Deven, Tennessee. That French Chef could cook up the greatest tasting food in the world. It could lull you to sleep with it's grandeur, but Martha can make a casserole that will literally kill you if you just smell it and there isn't a food competition in the world that would disagree with her. French chef was schooled for five years in the greatest restaurant in the world, Martha was taught as a child and has only cooked for the toughest critics in the world since she started rolling bisquit dough at the age of five. Southerners, are picky. Regardless of what you hear about eating roadkill, pickled pig's feet and that stuff. It doesn't sound good, but it tastes like an orgasm.

For those southerners that don't know how to cook, the stigma is just another in a long line of anxieties to live with. I have been invited to dinner parties, backyard cookouts and other festive occasions where I am asked if I will cook fried chicken for everyone. This happens to me all the time and thankfully I know how to cook fried chicken but if I didn't then I'm sure I would be freaking out. I know that if I didn't, that I would claim that I could and I'm sure that everyone would expect it to be the best in the world and then I would be spending the rest of time trying to figure out how to disguise Kentucky Fried Chicken so it tasted like I made it. I'm sure every group with a stigma must feel this way; the not well hung black man, the low key red head, the non-drinking Irishman, the Canadian that doesn't know the rules to hockey, the tall guy that doesn't like basketball and the non-bisexual stripper. Sadly, every stigma group pretends that the stigma applies to them even when, deep down, they wish they didn't have too. I wonder how many tall people have disappointed groups of driveway basketball players that picked them first for their team only to watch their hopes be dashed with every air ball that Mr. Amazingly Tall lofts over the backboard? (for you Canadians that don't know your hockey, that's the blue line)

Southern man - long ago a trait to be proud of. Something that women swooned over and men respected. The accent was as close to a well-educated dialect as an American could have but today it's more well known for it's moron-like qualities. The southern accent, which once stood proud as the voice of individual spirit and was once the very definition of the power of a people to rise up against it's own nation when it felt that it stood in disagreement with it, is now an accent of the easily fooled, tricked and shammed by a corrupt government that southerners believe in, sadly, to the death. The southern accent which was once the very voice of reason is now the reason that most Americans don't have a voice at all. It's heartbreaking....

But we can still cook...

Not all of us.

wear my hair

I have had long hair, on and off, for twenty years. I like it long and I wear it proudly, but I am not sensing the love that I used to see for long hair about fifteen years ago. Back in the dark ages of American fashion, long hair on men was all the rage. Women of all ages wanted it and were willing to do anything to get their hands in it. The men with the long hair, walked the planet as demi-gods and could punch their own ticket to playerland. As a young man in my teens, having long hair was my ticket to a whole new world. I was so used to women wanting me that to this day, every time I see a woman wearing spandex, sporting fluffy bangs or who is married, I just assume they want me.

I wore the long hair from it's heyday into the dark days of grunge where it was still acceptable, but not widely. The women that were attracted to me were less feminine and more thoughtful and the lovely spandex skirts gave way to nasty long underwear and combat boots. Not that I discriminate, but it wasn't as fun.

I finally gave up the ghost in the early nineties so I could take a job with Disney. They had a company policy that required that no male have facial hair or long hair or piercings, etc. The idea then was to be a family oriented business and the message that Disney wanted to convey was that if you had long hair, a beard or a pierced ear, you shouldn't be accepted into any family, Disney's included. Only bad people looked like that.

For the next ten years, the hair was all over the map, never long again, but noticeably different. I looked like everyone else, but the number of women interested in my hair was noticeably different. It was if the old Sampson legend was true and I was weak... I guess Disney was my Dehlila - there is no depth of evil that they will not sink too.

Today, my hair is in phase one of the hair restoration project. It's down to my shoulders, which is the second true measure of hair length. The first being, "It's in my face! Yecch!" Then "It's down to my shoulders.", which is followed by, "I can grab it behind my back" and it ends at, "It takes two hours to dry." I am not sure that I want my hair to get back down to "I can grab it behind my back", but I do want to see it around my shoulders. I know that the effect it had on women is lost, but I enjoy my hair and feel that as long as I can see it growing then I must be alive.

I am shocked that so many people still associate long hair with dirty, pot smoking, lazy, worthless, heavy metal, loser. It's odd to think that in this day and age when all things are becoming amalgamous that the length of one's hair would be enough data to pigeon hole them. I can't say that I am above this problem, I still see people in Birkenstocks and think they're hippies. I see baggy pants and gold chains and think good dancer, bad credit. I don't feel any of us are above this but it's still shocking to think we haven't progressed as far as we thought we had.

My long hair has never been so much a fashion statement or political statement as a personal statement against barbers. I have a scar on the back of my head from a pair of scissors that missed the clump of hair and instead took a chunk of flesh. It was from that moment on that getting me into a barber's chair was a real task. The hair continued to grow and fashion caught up with me, as it so often does. The long hair that I have now is more laziness inspired. I do have a haircut lined up for Tuesday, but I think that long hair, on stage, in front of Mormons should really send that Disney message, which is so strong in my shows, right on home.

cause I need the bread

Notice anything different? Floating around above the heading of the post, just above the date? That's right, it's my attempt at justifying three hours a day. Don't get me wrong, I love you all and there is nothing I enjoy more than writing these little essays for you to read, but I do need to pay my bills. It may be obnoxious to see, but if your viewing of my blog can pay for it's existence without me having to use a pay site format, then I think we have a pretty fair arrangement. You don't give me heat about it and I won't start asking for paypal information.

Besides, if it gets too obnoxious with classmate this or vioxx that, then we can pull it. Don't you want to see the irony unfold on the day I say one thing and the ads are pushing the antithesis? I think we are in for some odd amounts of fun.

Of course, they could choose to pull this as fast as they they choose to place it. According to my contract, which reads like legalized slavery and is pretty typical corporate bullshit, I can not cross the line or make their company look bad. Odd, I wasn't aware that their companies could be made to look any worse than they already are. We will have to wait and see which of us breaks first. In the meantime, I hope that I can raise some dough so that I can continue to bring these little bits of my day.

I am headed to Japan and Korea next month, with a stop in Tacoma before I head to Canada again for December. If any of you want to know the tour stops, I will send them too you, one date in Canada in particular, none of you can go too as it's some mormon show that requires I become Christian overnight. Lots of jokes like, "Here? The lord said here? In the middle of the high desert, next to a large body of undrinkable water? Here? This is the promised land?" After that, it's good Canadian fun.

In the meantime I need to prep for my upcoming two months of absence. I turned in my ballot for the upcoming smoking ban vote and I voted to ban smoking in buildings everywhere. Why not. I like when smoking is something that only criminals do. It shall make me want to smoke more, not less. Even though I only smoke four cigarettes a day. Ah hell, I will probably come back from Korea with bird flu anyway, I might as well smoke.

Cutting down the smoking wasn't as hard as I thought it would be and I actually force myself to smoke the three or four that I do smoke. I know this trend will change when I get to Canada as they smoke there like they know they live in Canada. I think I will smoke less in Japan as I don't like to smoke around computers and my vision of Japan is that it's one big Imac. At least it looks like one. I do enjoy the way the rest of the world smokes. I like the way they hold their hands which makes the cigarette look like a flower or a source of wisdom, which is in sharp contrast to my brutal teeth chomping, putting them out in my hand style. I have a butt can that sits on my front porch for me to put butts in, I wonder if they have these same sludgey, stinky butt cans in Japan.

I have mixed feelings about the tour to Japan as it comes on top of the return trip by my brother. He is only gone for a month on this trip, and then back for a month before he's gone for 5 months. My tour starts two weeks before he arrives, and ends the day he leaves to go back to Iraq. I will only see him on his birthday and Thanksgiving and the day in between. Three whole days. I guess it won't be that bad, he has things to do and places to see, so I can see him in the spring.

I like your questions so far. For those of you that I know read this and haven't asked any questions, don't think I am going to answer any of your questions in person when I see you. If you want to read all of these weird questions, then you have to ask some of your own.

Lastly, this is the birthday of the blog. Thank you for a great first year.

the tao of garfield

I am stunned by the child trends that have sprouted up over the years and just how empty their "fascination's" purpose really is. Some of the things that children think are wonderful toys or are items that they must have in their life so they can live as well adjusted human beings are really just glorified furry flashlights or teddy bears dipped in different colors with different stitching. What I think is really amusing to hear about are the parents jumping all over each other to grab that last Furbie off the shelf so THEIR child can have it for Christmas and not some other child. (Christmas is the time of peace, love, sharing and all that stuff, right?) It doesn't matter if they have to hurt someone to get it, it's more important that they make their child happy. I'm not sure why pleasing children became the number one priority but parents are dedicated to the task and are willing to let others suffer in the process. Perhaps the parent's self-esteem is so low that they think that only showering their child with presents will make their child love them. Is that it? Perhaps. The parents do act like needy little children when they are fighting other parents to get the one TOY that will make their child the luckiest kid on the block. Maybe the parents want to show their child that they can provide for them or that their parent is the toughest on the block - or the coolest - or the baddest. Maybe making their child happy means that their life will be easier because the child won't bother them as much. Perhaps the toy is just a pacifier that will keep their child busy until they are old enough to move out and buy their own toys.

Over the years, toys such as the Furbie, Barney, Teletubies, Bob the Builder, Tickle Me Elmo and Cabbage Patch Kids have all created a mass hysteria as the "must have" item for Christmas. There have been others as well, but none have been as violent as the Barney, Elmo years. Those were some dark times in the world of toys... A moment of silence for those we left behind in the bloody isle of Toys R US on that fateful day.....

For the two months leading up to December 25th, you couldn't get a hold of one of these must have items during the year that each was the holy grail of gifts. Each year, there are news reports that show video footage of people sleeping outside of Toys R Us in the freezing cold or stampeding and fighting through the doors at a Wal Mart at midnight just to get this toy, raise it above their head in victory and then get beaten down by dozens of other hungry, salivating, rabid parents. The rest of world stands back, views the carnage and just shakes their head in amazement. You hear this a lot, "What kind of idiots are we allowing to breath our air?" and "If that is what the parent acts like, then what kind of children must they have." And when they say, "what kind of children" you know they want to say, "their children must be put down before this is allowed to spread." Those guilty of acting this way will never admit to being part of the rabid herd of desperate parents, they just lower their heads in shame and hope that their child doesn't punish them when they get home.

I understand toy devotion when your a child. I was a big Garfield fan when I was a kid. I loved it. However, the fascination was the books and the little crap items that you could buy everywhere for around two bucks a piece. Garfield and his gear was never a must have item for Christmas so it was always available and cheap. I had posters, sheets, curtains, books, rulers, paper, and all the other crap that I can't remember. I loved that damn cat and I wanted it on everything. I used to think those kids into other stuff like Strawberry Shortcake and Star Wars were fools that didn't know better. They were misinformed and I should pity them. Ironically, today I am not a cat fan. But when I was a child, Garfield spoke to me in more ways than just his four box lifestyle. He was more to me than just a cat that liked lasagna, he was a spiritual leader. A monk, a prophet and a sage. He was it. His philosophy in life seemed to appeal directly to a fat kid like myself and I could appreciate his smart ass ways and his determination to rid his world of cuteness, opposition and personal responsibility. He lived and breathed to eat and sleep. Everything else in life was either on the way to a meal or nap or coming from a meal or nap. His Tao was very strong and his message resonated through my soul.

My fascination with Garfield lasted for years and finally found it's way to the dust bin when I turned into a sex fiend. It would seem that there was more in life than just eating and sleeping that one could do to bring pleasure to one's soul. The Garfield sheets and curtains didn't seem to be a part of my new plan as I soon realized that it was hard for a woman to climax when she sees a fat, smiling cartoon cat staring at her from the pillow below her.

Garfield is still a great source of inspiration as he has not changed in the twenty plus years that he has been around. He is still fat, still looking for food, making time for naps and he still has a great deal of contempt for those that would ask more of him than he can give. To be honest, as an adult the thing I think I like the most about him is that he drinks coffee, something I never realized before. I love him in a whole new way and it's sad that Garfield never saw the fame and fury that the Furbie saw, but he can take pride in the fact that he saw more pussy love than Heathcliff ever did. I don't think Heathcliff is even around anymore. HA! Poser.

In a dramatic twist of fate, all the frenzy that each of the must have toys created died quickly, and today you can find each toy in a clearance rack at your local 7-11 for a tenth of the asking price in their glory days. Their glory was the flash in the pan that those of us not caught up in the frenzy knew they were. The toys have lost their value as quickly as they gained it and a kid would be embarrassed and cry if you purchased one of them today. Garfield, having laid low on the popularity scale, is still in print in newspapers on a daily basis. He had a major motion picture made about his life (it was bad, but Bill Murray did the voice of Garfield, so according to the Caine-Murray credo, it's still worth seeing because he is in it) and Garfield can still be found on sheets, rulers, curtains and plush toys that you can stick to the rear window of your car. Can Barney say that? Do the Cabbage Patch kids still publish a book each year? Does Garfield scare children and animals the way the Furbie does? Does anyone trust Furbie not to kill them in their sleep?

INFORMATION

OKAY!

I will do the questions of the weak!!!!

This is how it will work. Submit your questions right now - about anything. Next week, I will dedicate the week to answering all of your questions. Apparently your love of reading what other people ask me is too great a guilt pleasure for me to discontinue it. SO ASK RIGHT NOW AND BE CLEAR WHICH POST YOU ARE REFERRING TOO. There is exactly one years worth of posts to work with which will disappear at the end of next week leaving only October to be viewed until the second book comes out, which looks like it might come out before book one at this point, but never the less, it's being printed as we speak. SO GET ON IT! ASK! SHOOT! GO! BEGIN! WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT TO KNOW?

If this works and it doesn't cramp me up too much, we will continue to do it, if it does give me cramps, then you will have to live without it.

This post will self destruct in five seconds.

nature lovin

It's easy to love a warm sunny day especially when there is time enough in your day to savor it. No matter how fast your life is traveling, a good nature setting can stop you on a dime and turn seconds long blissful hours. You think you can enjoy it more than the time allotted, but days turn into night and that speed, hectic life always gets you back. As you turn to go, you remind yourself that you will make more time in your life for more days just like this. You remind yourself, out loud, just how much you enjoy nature and that your life needs more of it. You remember how much you enjoyed nature as a kid and how good being outside is for you. No one is really sure if this is true, but I think it has something to do with our parents always telling us that it was and so we just believe it. ( really, I don't think anyone has ever done a study to see if being outside is truly good for you, better for you or necessary at all. Hmmmmmm.)

Nature is lovely and on a good day, it's easy to lose yourself in all that blissful "livingness". You can lay in the sweet smelling grass, and look at silent clouds pass by. You stare at the clouds and wonder if they are living creatures that are mimicking images that they see on earth. (how do you explain it!?) If you're lucky enough to have a tree in your field of vision, you can watch the leaves and the branches dance across the sky as the wind blows through them. Flowers are more colorful and the trees seem stronger, healthier. You start pulling out all of your bio 101 material as you look around... "This tree is an oak! And that rock is sandstone! See those clouds? The shape they're making means we are going to have a harsh winter, but it shouldn't snow until late November! I know, I took two years of biology in high school".

Rocks always seem more interesting and water is somehow softer to the touch when you have the time to appreciate them. The wild animals don't seem to mind you being there and actually seem friendly towards you and you can actually find the patience inside you that is required to watch them, a patience that you didn't know you had. The time passes slower and a ten minute nap in the tall grass seems like more sleep than you get in a week at home in bed. A warm sunny day somehow seems to be disconnected from time and space and you can stay there forever in your little nature habitat.

Of course, when we talk lovingly about nature we only talk about the parts that we enjoy. The fantasy aspects. The parts we want to think about but not all of it. We always think of warm sunny days, a soft snow fall, a warm rainy summer night, or a cool day, playing in a leaf pile in our front yard. Those are wonderful nature stories. Simple fantasies that make us go outside and take it all in with a huge smile on our face and a hug in our heart. (aaaaaaaaahhhhhh). Always absent from these stories are things like ants, bees, dog shit and water so dirty you can't even touch it without getting an infection. These too, are parts of nature, but they are the part of nature that we don't want in our dream world. Had any of us been mother nature, I'm sure the bee/dog shit portions would have been eliminated along with ticks, ants, spiders, chiggers, sand mites, jelly fish, large animals that eat small cute ones, slugs, snakes, hungry lions, tree diseases, thorns and that funky green growth that appears on rocks just under the surface of the water that makes them slippery to step on. As earthy as we like to feel when we are in nature, we really only see nature as a fantasy world that we normally neglect and take for granted and is just there when we want it to be. As we want it to be. And we take comfort in the fact that it is there and the way we want it to be. I think this is the same mentality we use when we think of political action as it pertains to nature. I think we are remembering the soft green grass when we think of "environmental issues" and not the smelly dog shit laying in the soft green grass.

I have friends that live in cities that claim that they love to go camping because it puts them back in touch with nature, which is the real reason they go camping in the first place. They love to pack up their vehicle with the tent, the food, the sleeping bag and the matches and they head out to a camp ground, pay twenty-five bucks and then set up camp in campsite number 12, which is just enough nature for them. They spend two days and nights; hiking on trails, eating prepackaged food, sitting on fold up chairs, drinking instant cocoa and staring at the fire glowing brightly in the fire pit provided too them. They sit there and they take in nature and love nature and fantasize about moving to campsite number 12 because that would be "real living". As true nature lovers, they only get to do this once a year or once every two or three years, so it's important to soak all the nature in that they can before they have to go home to their comfortable lives. I see camping a little more colorfully than that. I have had my days in campgrounds with the instant cocoa, but the best camping experiences I have ever had have been in remote areas that have no accommodations and require a great deal of reprogramming to adjust to your chosen temporary lifestyle. These are the times that the beautiful trees aren't scenery, but warmth and protection. When cute little critters can eat you and when cocoa isn't going to cut it. It's in these more involved moments that your opinion of nature will be tested the most. I think we should ask those people that get lost in the wilderness and we have to send a search party out to rescue them, what they think of nature. I wonder if during that time when they were fighting to stay warm or dry or when they were searching for food or trying not to become food, if they were enjoying the sweet grass or the slow moving clouds or the wind in the trees and if they thought they could live there.

Nature is lovely. It should be appreciated, but it should also be respected and not in the "don't litter" kind of way. Nature is not unlike an exotic pet that is lovely to look at but can still turn on you and strike you down with one swipe of it's hearty paw. It's easy to love the strips on a tiger when you are not in the cage with the tiger. It's easy to enjoy the beauty of nature, when nature isn't trying to off you.

Continue to love nature in your own way. Take in the sensory pleasure and turn it into great moments in your mind. If nothing else, the images of your fantasy nature can sustain you through dark times when life seems to have abandoned you. That is why our fantasy images of nature appear so often in our art. Our great poems, paintings, photographs and songs were all inspired by an artist's image of their own fantasy nature scene and what it meant to them in their life. Nature is as much of a muse as the lovers we want or seek out and we treat them both the same way.

I hope that my nature isn't too much fantasy. I enjoy the sweet grass as much as everyone, but I think it's unfair that I don't care for the dog shit and I wonder if that means I am a hypocrite like the rest of them. I guess this is why I didn't get the mother nature job or why they don't allow me to cruise the park at night any more...

publisher's clearing house

For Colorado

A neo-nazi group held a march somewhere in Little nowhere, America this past week and the information coming out the event is staggering. Apparently, not being able to get the "permits" needed to "assemble" and march down the middle of the street, the neos decided that they would forgo the legal avenues and just walk down the sidewalk, which does not require a permit and isn't against the law. Now, I am not a nazi fan, and I could care less about their march. To each their own and so what. However, the neighborhood which they choose to march in was a predominately black neighborhood and the denizens came out in force, literally, to show their displeasure. There were riots, buildings burned, stores looted, people assaulted, public officials threatened and over a hundred arrests were made. None of it, neo nazis. It seems that the locals were not too willing to accept another way of life being allowed to express their rights in America as it pertains to their neighborhood. To sum it up - One group was willing to use violence to oppress another group from expressing themselves. Ironic?

I am not a fan of Nazis, but I do think that their presence in America is a test of our true nature as so called, "accepting human beings". The actions of the civil rights workers in the 60's was not so that one group would see equal rights and justice under the law, but that everyone would see it. Even those that we truly can't stand. We may not agree, condone or like what the neos say, but we have to let them say it if we are truly going to be a free society.

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For Canada

The Iraq constitution was put to the vote and the people of Iraq voted to accept it. Surprising considering that the majority of Iraq is Sunni and they are the group that opposed it in the first place. Had all or half of them voted, it would have been voted down, so it's amazing that the constitution passed at all. Did the Sunni's decide to just accept the raw deal and vote in favor of the constitution? Not surprisingly, the American government claims that this pro-constitutional vote shows that they have brought real stability to the region and this will make it possible for the US to withdrawal it's forces in a timely manner and thus avoid any more scandal before the war crimes tribunal convenes to bring down Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfawitz, Don Rumsfeld, James Baker, George Bush and Roger Ailes as war mongers. (the same crime the world brought against Mussolini, Hitler, Imperial Japan and Saddam Hussein) When they say timely manner they mean right before we invade Iran and avoid a public backlash that could occur when the war-friendly general public has nothing to show support for on their car. For the next two months the violence in Iraq is expected to dip dramatically and I'm sure no one will die or be injured. I'm sure the people of Iraq will see their new constitution as a way of settling old religious arguments and just sit down and share a hooka with their sworn, 5000 year old enemies. It's going to be a sight to see. I hope their constitution doesn't require permits to assemble, pray, print or bear arms...

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For Wisconsin


There was a major earthquake in Pakistan. So far more than 50, 000 people have been confirmed dead. AND, not one major telethon is expected. No one is collecting money or trying to raise money for the survivors. Not one major celebrity has gotten on board to raise money for the relief effort and no one has run out to give blood, money, food, clothes or letters of hope and encouragement to the survivors. No one has offered to let the survivors live in their houses, neighborhoods or in a spare RV. I guess we only have room in our hearts for one major catastrophe per season. Sorry Pakistan, you needed to wait at least six months from the Hurricane season if you wanted to see Sean Penn lifting rocks off survivors.

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For Washington


Former model, Kate Moss and former pop star, Boy George are both in the spotlight with a cocaine problem. Not sure why cocaine is actually a problem in today's world, but apparently there are just some among us that just can't let go of the 80's. I am not sure why I need to know about either of these two and their drug problem. I am fascinated that people are shocked and think that we need to burn these two at the stack for their lack of digression. Kate Moss lost her endorsement deals and stands to lose a bunch of money. I am not all that worldly-wise about all things advertising, but what products did she push? Will the absence of her coked out body make the product lose money? I am not sure if any of you remember this, but the "dude, you're gettin' a dell" guy was busted for having dope and he lost his endorsement deal. The character he was supposed to be was a pot smoking idiot that made their computers look more hip and it worked. Kate Moss is coke sniffing thin and that is what advertisers wanted from her. Exactly what is the thinking behind this? You wanted them to look like they were on drugs to sell your products but when it turns out that they actually DO take drugs, you are shocked and want so distance your product from them?

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I am not in the mood to think about this stuff anymore. I can see the through line as all of you can. I hope this doesn't disappoint you that I have become so jaded to irony, conspiracy and hippocracy that I don't care to write about it any more. There are too many blogs out there that do nothing but write about this stuff. However, these are all real stories. Most of the information contained within, with the exception of the war crimes tribunal for the fucking Cheney-Bush faction, is real. I think we have actually seen the arm of Shiva descend upon us and start removing vital parts of our spiritual anatomy. Apparently she started with the part of our souls that controls common sense and reaction. Someone needs to cry bullshit, but the problem is... Who would listen and who cares too?

real tough chick

It's been a long time since I actually went to see a movie at the theater. It pains me to say this, but there just isn't enough out there to see. I think that in the past decade or so we have seen a sharp decline in quality movies that are theater-worthy and just demand that you see them when they first come out. "Lord of the Rings" "Star Wars" "Thin Red Line" these are cinema eye candy and if you didn't see them in the theater then you missed 90 percent of their value as films. I guess today's films are just made for the quick release and people would rather rent, wait for cable or just refuse to see it no matter what. I remember life before cable and rental, when you had to see it in the theater or wait for one of the three channels to broadcast it on nightly television otherwise you were never going to see it. I have still seen more movies in theaters than I have on cable and rental combined, but that ratio is quickly changing. It's sad because I love the theater experience. I love the preshow trivia powerpoint presentation and I love the smell of popcorn and the comfort of sitting in the dark with a bunch of strangers and not touching each other. I like eating all of my ten dollar tub of dry popcorn before the previews start and I love being able to just eat the M&M's and not know which color they are (also consumed before the movie starts).

To get me to the theater now, it takes a great need or a great movie. Guess which one "Domino" is? "Domino" is an interesting movie about a young woman who has a famous father and who decided to become a bounty hunter. To explain any more about the movie would be foolish, not because it would ruin it, but because I can't waste more time thinking about it. Keira Knightley is the star and she plays, Domino. She is backed up by some serious Caine-Murray award winners which save the film, most notably, Mickey Rourke, who is again, perfect. Christopher Walken, always a hit and barely used in this one. And, a great surprise... Dabney Coleman. My long lost favorite. He hasn't done a lot of work in the past fifteen years but prior to that, he was the man. If you are having a hard time placing the name or face, he was the boss in "9-5". If that doesn't work for you, stop reading this and go suck your thumb. Tom Waites is another Caine-Murray award winner that appears in the film but he is sparsely used so it's almost not worth the nod. The film is directed by Tony Scott, who gave rise to the quick edit film style that we are used to today. He has a few good films to his name, but most of the films he gets in the can, are shit. "Top Gun", "Days of Thunder". His directing style gave rise to the Simon Wests, Micheal Bays and other shit directors of today. So you could say that Tony Scott, director of "True Romance" is directly responsible for the lack of good movies in the world today. If he didn't direct the crap, he spawned it in some indirect way. His films gave money and power to the Jerry Bruckheimer Juggernaught that have brought you such hits as "Coyote Ugly" and "Pearl Harbor".

Back to Keira Knightley as Domino. She is supposed to be a tough girl, a chick that can kick ass and I am not buying it. I know that it's the trend these days for female leads to be tough broads but I think it's important that you cast the right type of person for those kinds of roles. Keira Knightley is not tough and it shows, it makes her acting looking stilted and ruins the film. There are several reasons why she just doesn't make the cut, most notably she weighs ten pounds less than my Heidi. She is also British, and British dames just ain't tough. But what really does her in is the fact that she wears so much eye makeup to make herself look tough, which is the most telling sign that you're not. Tough people don't act tough, they live tough. Looking tough means you're a coward with issues and you don't want anyone to know about either one. Eye liner isn't going to make people cower when you enter the room. Being British might, I might need to rethink my position on that.

Tough women are everywhere, on television, you have Alias, Dark Angel, Cagney and Lacey, Will and Grace, Night Court, Designing Women and Perfect Strangers. With the exception of Bronson Pinchot, none of these women is really tough. Again, dark eye liner and a sassy southern accent don't make you a bad ass. I want to see the episode of Designing Women where Dixie Carter starts into her weekly diatribe and she gets clocked and the rest of her cronies have to carry her toothless, limp body back to the house where she bleeds all over that floral couch. If she wakes up and is still talking sassy, then she's tough. If not, then it's all hot air. Toothless, that's a telling sign of a tough chick... and other things.

I am not big on the fake acting tough broad. The first tough girl I ever saw was in the original film version of "Gloria". In fact, ever since, I have measured tough girls by degrees of Gloria. For example, Alias - 1 out of 5 Glorias. Cagney and Lacy - 3 out of 5 Glorias. Domino - 2 out of 5 Glorias. Prince - 3 out of 5 Glorias. Get the point? Gloria was tough, she didn't advertise it, she just did it. That's tough. Okay, so she gets soft at the end, but she's tough up to that point.

I like a mean broad. I think they are a little more my speed on certain adult activities. A lot of women have claimed to be pretty tough, but they crack under the slightest hair pulling or a medium nipple biting and they expose their true soft-loving sexual self. I'm not a demon by any means, but I like sex to be pretty primal at times. I think that is why I have such a problem with the wanna-be tough girl. I'm not impressed with claims of toughness as it pertains to bearing children, raising children, farm or inner city childhoods, or coming from a family with five older brothers. I think a tough broad can take a punch. A true ass kicking woman of strength can take a punch better than a man. (note, I am not asking the readership to go out and strike a woman or if you are a woman to go out and take one on the chin, please resist the temptation) I think tough girls are pretty sedate acting in their life and just happen to enjoy chewing on rusty bolts and think that losing three or four inches of skin falling out of a tree is a fun day.

I, myself, am not as tough as the girl's I profess to like. I thought I was in my youth, but as I got older and joints started to ache and bruises took longer to heal, I lost my itch for running my head into walls and staying up past 11.

If you gonna be dumb, than you gotta be tough. We you get knocked down, then you gotta get up... as the wise minstrel of Jackass fame told us. Everyone wants to be tough. Everyone thinks they're tougher than they really are. I think we would all like to think we can take more and stand more than we ever have in reality but the truth is, you can't. That's why we aren't tough and neither is Keira Knightley, Prince, Jerry Bruckheimer or that girl that is pressing charges against me... sheesh! Broads.

potty break

I will admit that I am one of many grown children that still say, "I have to potty." I find it really puts the whole experience in to perspective as we all act like children when it comes to potty time. For one, none of us like to go potty in front of other people unless we are drunk, in the hospital or frightened into it, which is pretty childish if you think about it. I don't know why we get so private when we have to go potty but we do. It's not just going potty that people have a problem with. Women are notorious for being able to silence the passing of gas, an art form in an of itself. I have no idea how their bodies work, I wish I knew, but I don't. Men can pass gas in church without feeling any one way about it. Big deal, unless it carries with it an aroma. Then we are never man enough to accept the glory of being the creator of the masterpiece. Very childish.

Peeing seems to be something that women can do whenever and talk to each other during the whole process. They just squat, hover and chat away with whomever might be in the stall next to them. Doesn't phase them a bit. I know they do this because I have spent enough time hanging out "near" the ladies bathroom to hear them yapping. Men, are bathroom is a shrine to silence which is only broken with the periodic squeaking of toilets flushing, soap dispensers being depressed, paper towels being used by the dozens per hand or doors or zippers opening and closing. It's a no talking zone and you would think that only people looking for a fight would open their mouth in a bathroom. I have seen men go from wild banshees in a bar to tame, quiet little lambs as they cross through the bathroom door. The only time the silence bothers me is when I have to share the agony of hearing a man "potty" in a stall, if you know what I mean or when a man has to lose his lunch. Both smell, sound terrible and have nothing but vacant silence to let their symphonic expression be heard and smelled. It's in these times I wish that men were more chatty in the bathroom and perhaps we wouldn't have to hear all that we don't need to hear.

They say it's a test of any good relationship to be able to potty in front of your partner. I have heard the level change from fart in from of them to enjoy the fart in front of them to fart on them to pee in their mouth, so I am not sure where this so called test got it's start. I think that when the relationship is at the stage where you are using the potty in front of each other and you NOT talking to each other that's when you know it's love. If you don't even acknowledge that you are about to use the toilet and you just go at it and your lover is stuck their to enjoy your foulness and doesn't make any comments, then you have truly surpassed the pheromone stages and moved into mutant stage of the love cycle.

I still like to say that I have to use the potty. I still do. I like it better than pee, which hurts my ears when women say it and it's much more acceptable than piss, shit, take a dump, see a man about a horse, etc. I have to potty. I just went to the potty. I like the way it sounds and phonetics are important to a man when it comes to body waste removal.

Another aspect to the men's bathroom that most women are not aware of that I think needs repeating... Men's bathrooms are nasty. They are not the sweet smelling, clean floor, flushed toilet masterpieces that you women get. We have to got potty in a room that is almost always broken, clogged, never flushed and always smells like the mob is living bodies in there. It's amazing that there are even toilets in the room to begin with, you would think that we just need a drain in the floor and we could just all stand around and potty in it. I think it would save a lot of time. Any time I have ever been in a womens bathroom I have been amazed at how clean they are, no wonder women think it's cool to screw in their. You never see them want to screw a man in a man's bathroom. I don't think a woman would survive the horror of the experience if she did.

I am not a fan of underwear, haven't worn it since I was 12, so my potty time is pretty limited. I can get in, unzip and be done with my business in less time than those underwear wearing freaks that have to dig around their goods to find an opening. This little trick I believe has saved me countless hours of unneccessary bathroom minutes. Another trick I have learned is the one handed show. One hand unzips, grabs, directs, taps, repacks and zips ups. I am not sure if this works for other men, but it works for me and it leaves me a free hand to place on my hip like superman, for no reason whatsoever. Occasionally I will put my hand straight in the air in a fist and kind of shiver a bit, this always thrills me. The post-potty shiver is the greatest feeling in the world next to Q-tips in the ears. I don't know why I do it, or if anyone else does it, but I love it and I wouldn't trade it for all the greatest sex in the wo- Bulgaria.

hell hath no fury like a bird scorned

The familiar theme of the end of the world is again on the tips of everyones' tongues as the bird flu adds a new flavor to the deadly recipe that is Armageddon. So now, not only do you have to worry about terrorists blowing up your local blockbuster video store or the American President handing out key leadership roles to people that can't run your local swimming pool or gas prices rising so high that the world markets could fail driving us all back to cave dwelling, now you have to worry that your bucket of Kentucky Fried might contain a deadly virus that could kill your whole family. The Western world has enough paranoia floating around in it's head right now it doesn't need something else to be watching out for but we can now add, "don't let that bird shit on you" to the list of terrorist threats and reasons for taking xanax.

In an article in Newsweek, the bird flu was broken down as simply as it possibly could be so that all the innocent, not-so-good-at-all-that-science-stuff people could understand. To break it down, it's coming soon. It's coming our way and when I mean "our way" I mean toward the western, television watching world. So far the bird flu has found it's way to Siberia, Turkey and to some degree, Europe from it's origins in Asia, where all things in this world are manufactured. (because labor there is cheaper and works harder than their American counterparts) It's not across either pond as of yet, but it's time is coming. It might travel south from Europe to Africa with the great winter migration, sail over the pond from Africa to South America and then head north with the spring migration, thus landing in Detroit sometime around May. If can make waves in Detroit then we are all fucked. Those among us with allergies, asthma, weakened immune systems and the very young and the elderly are at the highest risk of dying from the flu, even though it's not clear if we humans can even catch it. There seems to be a problem with the whole viral transfer from birds to humans. Something about their genes not being like our genes. I suggest condoms as the leading preventive measure. OR, put your trust in Jesus, cause only the sinners, heathens, and the children of sodom will suffer from this plague and only those that have been dipped in a muddy creek in Kansas will survive. (I think that's how it goes....)

Not to be out done by this tragedy, dilemma or whatever we are going to call it (I guess we will have to wait and see if they have a star studded telethon on NBC to determine how severe it is and what we should call it) the world of big business, big government and big sneaky bastards have already figured out how to profit from our paranoia by revealing that the only known preventive medicine for this pandemic is a miracle drug that we have huge stockpiles of. No, it's not a bunch of bibles or a carb free diet plan with plenty of exercise, it's a miracle drug, that just happens to be rotting in a warehouse, waiting for it's moment... to be a major part in a serious fraud that could cost millions of lives. What they aren't going to tell you about this drug is the reason it has been stockpiling in a warehouse for five years is that because when it was introduced five years ago as a flu vaccine and an anti-virus medication, it didn't work at all. Not even in the slightest. They weren't able to sell a single dose of it to anyone due to it's ineffectiveness but now - Surprise! It works. I guess any drug works when you need to unload it before the expiration date runs out and you stand to lose millions of dollars because of it.

With all this turmoil, the big trend in American life is again, Y2K hysteria. Start stocking up the goods and preparing for the world to go dark. You can't trust your neighbors and the stores won't have goods, employees or power, so you better make sure you have all you need before the newscaster takes his life on live television. It's in these times when I think it's fun to see what kind of survival we will see. Will your ability to fold a shirt neatly and display it on a table or run a cash register, help you in the next evolution of human existence? What job skills, life skills or value do you have for the next phase of human development? Do you have a plan or some idea of what you might do when the shit hits the fan? Is your plan to "go to a friend's house in the country"? Or is it to seek out the government and ask them for help? How will you make it there and are you sure that your friend in the country will really want your extra mouth around? Do you know how to make a fire from two sticks? Find fresh water? And remember, all of this has to be done with a deadly bird flu and Mormon missionaries running around trying to infect you. Is there anything in this life that is preparing you for the next one? The religious are fond of saying that and I guess they weren't talking about life after death as it applies to breathing, but life after death as it applies to toilet no longer flushing.

I am not sure what or when the next great scare will be and I am not sure if or when the powers that be plan on releasing some of the tension that is building up inside of their communities, but I think we are all due for some. We either need a really good sports victory to celebrate, a feel good romantic comedy, indie film to talk about or a healthy revolution that actually works to give us a sense of hope that we are all working for a goal that lies in the right direction. That we are all worthy, even if all we know how to do is make a mocha. I believe that it's in the darkest times of our existence that we have shown our greatest trait as a species, that we choose to live regardless of how bad the conditions may be. That even though life isn't as comfortable as it once was, we can make a life from what we have left. We don't need a telethon to do it for us.