get your christmas cookie

Holiday sex has more pressure and anticipation attached to it than any other sexual experience one person will see in their life other than, maybe, the wedding night. And to give you an idea of how stressful that night of whoopie is, most people... don't do it. Wedding tradition lost. Too much stress, too much booze. The most mentally, physically and spiritually satisfying thing you want to do is sleep. This is a modern world and you have probably slept with your new spouse for months or years before this moment and it's not that big of a deal. I'm sure that fifty years ago it might have been a thing, but today - not so much.

But holiday sex is different. It really doesn't have a specfic reason to be special, but it just seems to be that way. Society helps add to the stress by looking down on you if you don't have a date for Valentine's day, New Year's eve or National oral sex day. Society has also tried to stack the deck with some underhanded methods of increasing the sexual behavior - Mistletoe. Revealing (and acceptable) Halloween costumes, Pinching someone who is not wearing green on St. Patrick's day - these are all norms that we don't even think about as sexual, but they are. No one is going to kiss the leper under the mistletoe. You have to be selective, which is the same kind of selective as your sexuality.

Each holiday has it's own lingerie and each holiday has it's own sexual innuendos. It's not uncommon to hear comments like, "I'll come down your chimney. he-he-he!" or "Make me see fireworks!" or "I'll stuff your turkey". There are Ms. Santa garters, bras and matching hats. Every Halloween costume that a grown woman wears is a step above a stripper outfit. Everyone loves to increase that pressure until the nighttime rolls around and most people stumble in the gates. The most common reason we stumble is pure exhaustion. The holiday can just take too much out of us and leave us with little or no energy to do anything at the end of the day. The fourth of July is just one loooooong day and to get laid at the end of it is near impossible.( And that's only if you don't have a sunburn.) Halloween sex is great if you can find your lover under all those layers of unfamiliar, foul smelling fabric. (I'm not sure why it stinks, but I know it does) Christmas or Thanksgiving sex has to be a quickie in a bathroom during the middle part of the day when your whole family is just a awkward knock on the door away. You could do it later, but at the end of the day the amount of food still floating around in your stomach is just too overwhelming to allow for any real acrobatic humping.

The one lone stand out for a great night of holiday whoopie is New Year's eve. If you don't drink too much and you make it to the end of the night, there is a sense of desperation in the air as everyone is running around looking for someone to screw. Which makes the odds of finding some, dip a bit more to your favor. The only problem here is that it's after midnight and the best sex starts before midnight. After midnigh,t you are looking at a partner who is only at 60 percent of their best. Before midnight allows for more time to get into things, take your time, screw with a purpose and some time to sleep so you can do it again before the mad dash to the door begins. On New Year's eve, there is no mad dash for the door and people actually rest up for the day and save energy for the night. By the time that ball of lights hits Time's Square, people are already getting it on. It's the only holiday that says, "You have to kiss someone". If you don't, according to ancient Peruvian mythology, you'll die. So New Year's is the holiday to get it on.

Unless you're single.

Then it's the fourth saddest day of the year. (Birthday - one, Valentine's - two, Christmas - Three). The amount of depression floating around in the air is so great that you can feel it sticking to your clothes. It's that bad. For some reason holidays, celebrations and parties are the single biggest cause of depression in the known universe. It's life's great irony.

For all those left behind again this holiday season I say this, don't fret. You may not have "one" person to kiss on the New Year moment, but you do have millions of others. You have options that other people don't. Most of the people that do have a "one" are wishing it was another "one" and have just had to settle on this "one" because it was all they could find. They wish they were you! AND, take this to the bank, you may not be getting laid, but at least your not getting laid badly.... How many sexual experiences do we look back on and wish we hadn't wasted the time? Lonely people are saved from this emotional scar. Those New Year's party goers think they are going to get the best of the best and find out that booze slightly deadens key components of the sex drive and makes the sex a farce.

Enjoy the holidays in your own way. I say that we should fear the holidays and be forced into a full day of fasting and prayer. No talking. No lights. Nothing. Just let the day past. Show your true dedication to the holiday and don't take advantage... As soon as the day passes. Fuck someone's brains out.