all i want for christmas
I have already received quite a few great gifts from my readership and I want to thank you all for the sentiment. I enjoy the presents, but appreciate your efforts much more. For the rest of you that didn't care to send anything... Kiss my ass, you cheap bastards! WHAT? After all my writing and suffering to bring this to you, you can't take ten minutes and wrap up a gift for me? Worthless slugs...
Of course, I really don't mean that, but it's the best manifestation of what we all truly feel when it's our turn to get some gifts and we don't feel we got what we deserve. How often have you been shorted on the gift exchange program? Have you ever bought someone a great gift and received some cheap, meaningless gift in return? You can't show your displeasure in front of them so you try to convince yourself that it's "the thought that counts" so they won't see your displeasure. But inside, you're truly pissed off. Because, IT IS the thought that counts and apparently the thoughts involved with this gift were cheap, meaningless and uninspired.
In my days, I have seen some weak presents, mostly because of where my birthday lies in conjunction with Christmas. I have spoken of this before and I don't want to rehash this, but for those people that do go the distance and buy a gift for me for each occasion, I find that most of them short me on the quality compared to those that stack up the generosity and make it one big present. (this is also a shafting, but I'm used to it) I can't really win and never will unless I start celebrating my birthday on June 8th. This should allow everyone to save up for six months before purchasing my big gift. Then I will see the gift-peace that I have so long desired.
I know that I am not the only one on the ass-end of the gift exchange and I know that every single one of you can recall that gift "shorting" you endured and are thinking that as you shop for that gift-shorter this season. If they are going to buy you a movie theater gift certificate good for one movie and a half, then you're going to get them a gift certificate at a Denny's - good for a small dessert or side salad.
The most commonly given shit gift is food. Candy canes, M&M's, Lifesaver "books", cakes, cookies, brownies... They all suck as presents. (Unless you're starving, then it's very fitting.) Normally food would be an excellent idea, but ever since people started to deliver food to sick people and to relatives of the recently departed and to bake sales - food has taken a nose dive in overall value. If it's good enough for a wake, then it's not good enough for a birthday or Christmas present. If you're going to give someone a cheese or jelly sampler, then you need to THINK about what you're doing and how it's going to affect your relationship with that person. Because next year, you're going to get used socks from that person.
The second most commonly given shit gift is the gag gift. The funny - ha - ha gift. This is funny to the gift giver and seen as a slight by the gift receiver. Gag gifts are funny - once. Then they become a wasted opportunity and junk that has to be stored somewhere in your world. There are drawers full of gag gifts in everyone's world. They are never going to rot as they are made like nothing else in the universe and will be here long after the earth has blown up into a zillion little pieces. Amid the debris will be the gag gifts floating near by.
Add up the total number of people you know that might give you a present. Then subtract ten percent for various variables that can come into play. Now single out the few people on that list with some true money and the ones that really, really, really like you. These are the best shots you have at a great gift. The rest of your total you can assume that you'll get some second hand gift item or easily disposed of gift. You're gettin' hosed and you know it. You know this and you actually shop for them the same way they are shopping for you - with pre-scorn in the heart.
You have a limited number of presents coming to you every season. This means that like in baseball, you only have a few shots at a home run and every time someone drops a gag gift, or food, or a gift certificate, then you are adding up the strikes. This season doesn't come along every week, so it's important to gain as much "worth" as you can while the gettin's good - Cars, jewels, money, electronics, homes, trips - that kind of thing. Those are the home runs and will continue the circle of life.
(And so are pretty painted pictures by children. You know, the ones with glitter glued on them. Those are great. Cheap kids...)
Of course, I really don't mean that, but it's the best manifestation of what we all truly feel when it's our turn to get some gifts and we don't feel we got what we deserve. How often have you been shorted on the gift exchange program? Have you ever bought someone a great gift and received some cheap, meaningless gift in return? You can't show your displeasure in front of them so you try to convince yourself that it's "the thought that counts" so they won't see your displeasure. But inside, you're truly pissed off. Because, IT IS the thought that counts and apparently the thoughts involved with this gift were cheap, meaningless and uninspired.
In my days, I have seen some weak presents, mostly because of where my birthday lies in conjunction with Christmas. I have spoken of this before and I don't want to rehash this, but for those people that do go the distance and buy a gift for me for each occasion, I find that most of them short me on the quality compared to those that stack up the generosity and make it one big present. (this is also a shafting, but I'm used to it) I can't really win and never will unless I start celebrating my birthday on June 8th. This should allow everyone to save up for six months before purchasing my big gift. Then I will see the gift-peace that I have so long desired.
I know that I am not the only one on the ass-end of the gift exchange and I know that every single one of you can recall that gift "shorting" you endured and are thinking that as you shop for that gift-shorter this season. If they are going to buy you a movie theater gift certificate good for one movie and a half, then you're going to get them a gift certificate at a Denny's - good for a small dessert or side salad.
The most commonly given shit gift is food. Candy canes, M&M's, Lifesaver "books", cakes, cookies, brownies... They all suck as presents. (Unless you're starving, then it's very fitting.) Normally food would be an excellent idea, but ever since people started to deliver food to sick people and to relatives of the recently departed and to bake sales - food has taken a nose dive in overall value. If it's good enough for a wake, then it's not good enough for a birthday or Christmas present. If you're going to give someone a cheese or jelly sampler, then you need to THINK about what you're doing and how it's going to affect your relationship with that person. Because next year, you're going to get used socks from that person.
The second most commonly given shit gift is the gag gift. The funny - ha - ha gift. This is funny to the gift giver and seen as a slight by the gift receiver. Gag gifts are funny - once. Then they become a wasted opportunity and junk that has to be stored somewhere in your world. There are drawers full of gag gifts in everyone's world. They are never going to rot as they are made like nothing else in the universe and will be here long after the earth has blown up into a zillion little pieces. Amid the debris will be the gag gifts floating near by.
Add up the total number of people you know that might give you a present. Then subtract ten percent for various variables that can come into play. Now single out the few people on that list with some true money and the ones that really, really, really like you. These are the best shots you have at a great gift. The rest of your total you can assume that you'll get some second hand gift item or easily disposed of gift. You're gettin' hosed and you know it. You know this and you actually shop for them the same way they are shopping for you - with pre-scorn in the heart.
You have a limited number of presents coming to you every season. This means that like in baseball, you only have a few shots at a home run and every time someone drops a gag gift, or food, or a gift certificate, then you are adding up the strikes. This season doesn't come along every week, so it's important to gain as much "worth" as you can while the gettin's good - Cars, jewels, money, electronics, homes, trips - that kind of thing. Those are the home runs and will continue the circle of life.
(And so are pretty painted pictures by children. You know, the ones with glitter glued on them. Those are great. Cheap kids...)
posted by Daniel Loomis | 11:44 AM
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