gandhi is laughing

My body is not made for Yoga. Even though I was a yoga junky for a long time, that time has come and gone. Apparently, it's long gone. I did some moonlight yoga the other night in an attempt to kickstart my health regime. I wanted to assault my physique like an Allied bomber over Tokyo. I was successful. Just like the bombers of yore, I completely missed the target and instead destroyed the structures around the target. I can't feel my left butt cheek.

The only positive that came from the Yoga - My craving for curry came back.

Yoga is incredibly good for you. If you do it right, it's really the best exercise you can do for yourself. Swimming is the "best" exercise, but sans a body of water that I can dip into with paying 70 bucks a month for it, I have to do the death Yoga. I am now half paralyzed and still fat.... Two weeks before departure. This is going to be an awesome trip!!!

No one really sees Yoga as true exercise. So, a little challenge for you, the reader - sit squarely on your ass. Lay your legs straight out in front of you. Toes up. Sit up straight so that the spine is at a 90 degree angle to the ground. Now put your hands next to your butt, flat on the ground.

NOW JUST SIT THERE FOR TWO MINUTES! Don't bend your knees!!!! Don't arch your back!!!! Just let the Yoga Gods fuck you up. All this pain... ...was invented from a culture that gave us Gandhi, can you believe that?

I do simple yoga. The Yoga for idiots. The stuff they put in books and on video tapes that they know anyone can do and not kill themselves. I have seen the serious Yoga being done, I have a good friend that loves yoga and she does the stuff that you only hear talked about in hushed tones. Kinda like the Kumate, fight challenge in Asia. Or the Delta Force of the American Army. It's there, but no one really talks about it and when they do, it's just "myth" or an urban legend. In fact, every time someone does talk about, a rain storm starts brewing and strong winds blow open the windows and snuff out all the candles, just as the lightning crashes outside! It's that type of Yoga - the stuff that people dream about doing to themselves, if only...

I am just trying to sit at a 90 degree angle and she can rest her nose in the crack of her ass. Yes, Yoga is very sexy, if you get off on smelling your own feet.

Sadly, I made the mistake of walking past a mirror without clothes on and besides the obvious fright of seeing myself naked, I was also blessed with a unique and very special treat. I write this now as a warning to all of you....

Never use an hand-knitted afghan as a yoga mat.

Presently I have some rather strange, rather red and very indented lines extending the length of my backside from my head to my feet. It looks like I was grilled on an outside BBQ grill. My own weight against the afghan has given me plow lines. I'm a semi-cripple red zebra. How tragic. I don't feel healthy at all.

I checked with some other riders of the world that have taken similar trips and the one thing that they say they wish they would have done differently is that they would have NOT departed so late in the year. It seems that bikes in the fall, especially in New England, run into a new hazard that I hadn't even thought about - fallen leaves. Falling leaves on the road way that are basically like trying to walk in a soapy tub. I can't fucking believe this! I have prepared for the rain of Virginia, The snow of Colorado, The blistering heat of Texas, The depression of Oklahoma, The repression of Utah and yet, somehow I completely forgot about the power and the glory of New England's maple trees. Shit!

With this in mind; I have decided that I need to get out on a dirt bike and practice wrecking. I need to learn how to put the bike down and do it safely at various speeds. I need to test the body armor that all of your donations have purchased for me (big thank yous to all of you that donated, Especially if I don't lose any skin when I wreck). I actually need to wreck the bike on purpose and get comfy with it. I need to see if I can slip on a leaf and hit a tree at sixty miles an hour and be able to walk away.

Don't worry. I'll be okay, there must be a Yoga posture that trains you how to wrap yourself around a maple.