golden dust bin
China, in keeping with the mysterious and magical kingdom that it is, has officially been taken away from me. The booker of the tour has scratched the whole thing and now I am left with a huge 6 week hole in my life. I'm still in shock, after a brief email that just simply said, "sorry" I am without work, travel or purpose for the month of October...
...no comedy on the DMZ...
...no follow up flight to Bejing...
...no bike trip from Bejing to Mongolia...
...no income to cover the bills...
...no great wall of china...
...no cheap leather goods...
...no yummy mink blankets...
...no bimbimbop...
Suddenly my world is filled with doubts and the fact that I have lost so much work in the past week is beginning to take it's toll on me both personally and professionally. The weird part about all of this - I wanted this. Not the desitution or the desperation - I wanted the challenge. I wanted to test my resolve and see if I had any control over my reactionary emotions. I guess you could call it; an endless mediation. I wanted to see if I could stay focused through all of the distractions.
I am failing miserably.
I really wanted to go to Tuva. I really wanted to see Asia from the back of a motorcycle. I have been waiting for years to see Tuva. Shucks!
For the past two nights, I have been working the open mic circuit in Tacoma trying to drum up some local gigs that woud cover my day job loss. Sadly, I am very aware of the fact that even if I did a show a night until I left on the cross country bike tour, I still wouldn't be able to cover all the losses. Thankfully, I had the October tour to cover my bills. The money was going to show up upon my return from the bike trip and that would have carried me to the new year. With the recent loss of October, now my world is quickly becoming an even bigger financial disaster.
Stay focused. Stay focused.
So these are the first thoughts - Cancel the up coming bike tour and cancel all the up coming work and just accept the new day job that was offered to me. It pays the bills, it keeps me ahead of the game
OR
Fuck it all! Get on the bike, keep the few shows I have, down shift my living situation to an even more pawltry existence and then just roll with the punches.
The latter appeals to me the most.
Wouldn't it be easier to just to sell out and let another personal dream be crushed by the social standard? Perhaps the error in my ways was allowing someone to have control over my dreams in the first place. If I want to got to Tuva so badly, I need to get there on my own terms. If the world around me expects me to live on their terms and I choose to accept those conditions, then I don't deserve to have dreams in the first place. The very definition of a dream, as I see it, is a foreshadowing of your future.
I have been so filled with self-pity that I haven't been able to discipline myself and stay focused on what I need to get done. When you feel sorry for someone, yourself included, it doesn't seem appropriate to show any tough love. When you're the ailing soul that is down, your own harsh words and judgements will only make the suffering that much more intolerable.
I am on the open mic stage and I am kicking ass. It's a nice switch for me and it's taking my mind off of some the burdens at hand. The crowds seem to love what I'm doing and that kind of acceptance fills all my emptiness, if just for a moment. The other comics on the show seem to appreciate what I'm doing and they have been offering me smaller gigs to help me out. Their willingness to help me out is strong medicine.
It's when I step out in to the cool Tacoma night air that my focus returns to me.
My comedy is finally where I wanted it to be when I moved here. I have the new bike, 10,000 miles of a spiritually enlightened dreamscape filled with friends, family, BBQ and comedy. What... Is all that bad about my life?
Never let anyone take the reins of your dreams away from you. As with all things, it must be you and you only that brings about the realization of your craziest visions of the future. You alone are the bearer of all the happiness that can come your way. It's when we forget this that our life sours and begins to fester. Life will... Cancel the trip.
...no comedy on the DMZ...
...no follow up flight to Bejing...
...no bike trip from Bejing to Mongolia...
...no income to cover the bills...
...no great wall of china...
...no cheap leather goods...
...no yummy mink blankets...
...no bimbimbop...
Suddenly my world is filled with doubts and the fact that I have lost so much work in the past week is beginning to take it's toll on me both personally and professionally. The weird part about all of this - I wanted this. Not the desitution or the desperation - I wanted the challenge. I wanted to test my resolve and see if I had any control over my reactionary emotions. I guess you could call it; an endless mediation. I wanted to see if I could stay focused through all of the distractions.
I am failing miserably.
I really wanted to go to Tuva. I really wanted to see Asia from the back of a motorcycle. I have been waiting for years to see Tuva. Shucks!
For the past two nights, I have been working the open mic circuit in Tacoma trying to drum up some local gigs that woud cover my day job loss. Sadly, I am very aware of the fact that even if I did a show a night until I left on the cross country bike tour, I still wouldn't be able to cover all the losses. Thankfully, I had the October tour to cover my bills. The money was going to show up upon my return from the bike trip and that would have carried me to the new year. With the recent loss of October, now my world is quickly becoming an even bigger financial disaster.
Stay focused. Stay focused.
So these are the first thoughts - Cancel the up coming bike tour and cancel all the up coming work and just accept the new day job that was offered to me. It pays the bills, it keeps me ahead of the game
OR
Fuck it all! Get on the bike, keep the few shows I have, down shift my living situation to an even more pawltry existence and then just roll with the punches.
The latter appeals to me the most.
Wouldn't it be easier to just to sell out and let another personal dream be crushed by the social standard? Perhaps the error in my ways was allowing someone to have control over my dreams in the first place. If I want to got to Tuva so badly, I need to get there on my own terms. If the world around me expects me to live on their terms and I choose to accept those conditions, then I don't deserve to have dreams in the first place. The very definition of a dream, as I see it, is a foreshadowing of your future.
I have been so filled with self-pity that I haven't been able to discipline myself and stay focused on what I need to get done. When you feel sorry for someone, yourself included, it doesn't seem appropriate to show any tough love. When you're the ailing soul that is down, your own harsh words and judgements will only make the suffering that much more intolerable.
I am on the open mic stage and I am kicking ass. It's a nice switch for me and it's taking my mind off of some the burdens at hand. The crowds seem to love what I'm doing and that kind of acceptance fills all my emptiness, if just for a moment. The other comics on the show seem to appreciate what I'm doing and they have been offering me smaller gigs to help me out. Their willingness to help me out is strong medicine.
It's when I step out in to the cool Tacoma night air that my focus returns to me.
My comedy is finally where I wanted it to be when I moved here. I have the new bike, 10,000 miles of a spiritually enlightened dreamscape filled with friends, family, BBQ and comedy. What... Is all that bad about my life?
Never let anyone take the reins of your dreams away from you. As with all things, it must be you and you only that brings about the realization of your craziest visions of the future. You alone are the bearer of all the happiness that can come your way. It's when we forget this that our life sours and begins to fester. Life will... Cancel the trip.
posted by Daniel Loomis | 11:21 AM
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