requested #20
Astrology
"Have you ever had your chart done?"
This seemingly innocent question can send chills up my spine and make my eyes water uncontrollably. I don't know why this happens, but I am assuming it's a Pavlovian response. Perhaps it's my Queen of Hearts or my 39 Steps trigger(yes, they're movies), because when I hear it, I become a completely different person and I don't remember what happens for long periods of time afterwards. I do know that I feel this strong urge to grab a rifle and find a clock tower. It's seemingly, the only release valve available to me for letting some of my pain out. Don't get in the way or you could get hurt. It's that serious.
The "chart", in question, if you're not aware, is a map of the stars (celestial, not movie) as they were positioned at the very second of your birth or conception(perhaps movie would be better). Using the location of your birth, the time of your birth and a vast knowledge of star-alignment interpretation(stabs in the dark and bullshit) - specially talented people(people that can use the internet) can tell you all kinds of interesting information about you that you already knew, but you still love to hear when other people tell it to you.(they're magical - like Smurfs!)
They can tell you valuable information about "you" such as; what type of baseball teams you like, your favorite color, your if you like light or dark meat, your sexual temperament, your family values as it pertains to procreation, your spiritual values and your tolerance for pain and suffering as it pertains to friends, family, dates and would-be Astrologists. They can also tell you why all of this is "you". If you want to be a happy soul and live life knowing what you know, take what they have said and move on. Don't press them for any further information. But if you want to know deeper information such as; why this particular alignment means you like cashews and not almonds - then you're gonna be disappointed. They don't know WHY. If they knew why you liked yellow when Venus and Orion are two inches apart in the sky, they wouldn't be wasting their time telling you, they would be milking you for every cent you have. They would be in a room being pressed by the government/corporate America for information on you. Like I said, just take what they have told you and stop crying, at least you know what color to paint your house.
I generally don't have a problem with Astrology nuts and I have even gotten into it a bit especially as it pertains to sexual astrology. I am not blaming astrology for my sexual exploits, but I will admit that I have taken it into consideration when evaluating some key issues such as; who to screw, how to screw them and whether or not I should give them my real name before, during or after we're done.
I have even looked into Astrology as a possible source for my all-religious foundation. It fell flat, but I gave it a try. I really did want to like astrology and I still secretly do. To this day, I proudly boast that I am a Sagittarius( from Sagitarria), but I still can't... Get into it.... Totally. However, like all things in our world, it's a part of the dialogue and a cute little piece of nostaligic kitch that we all like to use from time to time When someone asks your birthday and you tell them, one of the first things they say is, "ooooh, a Leo, eh? As if to insinuate that they somehow know you better than yourself because they know your sign.
Websites such as Yahoo and Hotmail, both list your sign on your personal page and offer a free daily horoscope if you wish. Almost every local paper in America offers free horoscopes. They even go as far as to tell you the day you are going to have. I doubt that too many people actually listen to this, but it's there anyway.
I don't know the deep details about Astrology, but I do know that Ren-festers love it and certain types of chicks get into it too. I know that a log of people make a lot of dough claiming to be Astrologists and say it with a deep tone to show you that they mean it. It's as if they're priests or medical doctors. Yes, it can be a career for some people. Astrology is a Siamese twin to the Tarot card reading profession as they both use a "read" to indicate your future, your past and everything else about you. Funny, but these readings never tell you how gulllible you are.
I'm not a big fan of Rennies, Siamese twins or chicks that still have an active interest in Astrology after high school(sophomore year of college at the latest) so I don't see much of the Astrology ballyhoo anymore. And seeing as I don't see them in my future either, I guess we can say that I have learned all I am ever going to learn about Astrology. Rennies are just too frightening as humans to be around for any length of time. Siamese twins... Shady lot in their own right. And those Astrology chicks are too deep into making their pain into your pain for me to hump them... again.
There are twelve astrological signs. Each one represents 30 days of Earth's calendar year, or, as we like to say in Astro-speak, a complete phase of the moon. Astrology has been around long before anyone on Earth knew there were other planets, or that we were on a planet, or that there was a thing called the universe, or that Earth wasn't the center of universe, or that the sun was a day time star, or the Earth went around the sun, or that the there were 365 days in the calendar year, or that the world was round, or (ad infinitum). Astrology was an early attempt by humanity to explain the world around us and it has lingered around loooooong after we figured all that little stuff out. Now it's just a cheap way to talk to chicks. ( I wonder if a woman has actually gone home with a man based on that famous opening line.)
Nowadays the serious world of Astrology is filled with people that think it's either "the Law" because it pre-dates all other religions, or people that want to feel that they are good at "something" and this was the easiest thing they could find on the web. For the rest of the world, it's just an obnoxious belief system that is kinda cute at times, but is generally considered to be easier to explain away than the tooth fairy.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is the last requested piece that I am doing. I have too much I want to write about before this thing wraps up in November, so I have to pass on the other requests. Thanks anyway.
Lastly, If I don't post for a few days, I'm busy. Give me a break with the "reminder" emails.
"Have you ever had your chart done?"
This seemingly innocent question can send chills up my spine and make my eyes water uncontrollably. I don't know why this happens, but I am assuming it's a Pavlovian response. Perhaps it's my Queen of Hearts or my 39 Steps trigger(yes, they're movies), because when I hear it, I become a completely different person and I don't remember what happens for long periods of time afterwards. I do know that I feel this strong urge to grab a rifle and find a clock tower. It's seemingly, the only release valve available to me for letting some of my pain out. Don't get in the way or you could get hurt. It's that serious.
The "chart", in question, if you're not aware, is a map of the stars (celestial, not movie) as they were positioned at the very second of your birth or conception(perhaps movie would be better). Using the location of your birth, the time of your birth and a vast knowledge of star-alignment interpretation(stabs in the dark and bullshit) - specially talented people(people that can use the internet) can tell you all kinds of interesting information about you that you already knew, but you still love to hear when other people tell it to you.(they're magical - like Smurfs!)
They can tell you valuable information about "you" such as; what type of baseball teams you like, your favorite color, your if you like light or dark meat, your sexual temperament, your family values as it pertains to procreation, your spiritual values and your tolerance for pain and suffering as it pertains to friends, family, dates and would-be Astrologists. They can also tell you why all of this is "you". If you want to be a happy soul and live life knowing what you know, take what they have said and move on. Don't press them for any further information. But if you want to know deeper information such as; why this particular alignment means you like cashews and not almonds - then you're gonna be disappointed. They don't know WHY. If they knew why you liked yellow when Venus and Orion are two inches apart in the sky, they wouldn't be wasting their time telling you, they would be milking you for every cent you have. They would be in a room being pressed by the government/corporate America for information on you. Like I said, just take what they have told you and stop crying, at least you know what color to paint your house.
I generally don't have a problem with Astrology nuts and I have even gotten into it a bit especially as it pertains to sexual astrology. I am not blaming astrology for my sexual exploits, but I will admit that I have taken it into consideration when evaluating some key issues such as; who to screw, how to screw them and whether or not I should give them my real name before, during or after we're done.
I have even looked into Astrology as a possible source for my all-religious foundation. It fell flat, but I gave it a try. I really did want to like astrology and I still secretly do. To this day, I proudly boast that I am a Sagittarius( from Sagitarria), but I still can't... Get into it.... Totally. However, like all things in our world, it's a part of the dialogue and a cute little piece of nostaligic kitch that we all like to use from time to time When someone asks your birthday and you tell them, one of the first things they say is, "ooooh, a Leo, eh? As if to insinuate that they somehow know you better than yourself because they know your sign.
Websites such as Yahoo and Hotmail, both list your sign on your personal page and offer a free daily horoscope if you wish. Almost every local paper in America offers free horoscopes. They even go as far as to tell you the day you are going to have. I doubt that too many people actually listen to this, but it's there anyway.
I don't know the deep details about Astrology, but I do know that Ren-festers love it and certain types of chicks get into it too. I know that a log of people make a lot of dough claiming to be Astrologists and say it with a deep tone to show you that they mean it. It's as if they're priests or medical doctors. Yes, it can be a career for some people. Astrology is a Siamese twin to the Tarot card reading profession as they both use a "read" to indicate your future, your past and everything else about you. Funny, but these readings never tell you how gulllible you are.
I'm not a big fan of Rennies, Siamese twins or chicks that still have an active interest in Astrology after high school(sophomore year of college at the latest) so I don't see much of the Astrology ballyhoo anymore. And seeing as I don't see them in my future either, I guess we can say that I have learned all I am ever going to learn about Astrology. Rennies are just too frightening as humans to be around for any length of time. Siamese twins... Shady lot in their own right. And those Astrology chicks are too deep into making their pain into your pain for me to hump them... again.
There are twelve astrological signs. Each one represents 30 days of Earth's calendar year, or, as we like to say in Astro-speak, a complete phase of the moon. Astrology has been around long before anyone on Earth knew there were other planets, or that we were on a planet, or that there was a thing called the universe, or that Earth wasn't the center of universe, or that the sun was a day time star, or the Earth went around the sun, or that the there were 365 days in the calendar year, or that the world was round, or (ad infinitum). Astrology was an early attempt by humanity to explain the world around us and it has lingered around loooooong after we figured all that little stuff out. Now it's just a cheap way to talk to chicks. ( I wonder if a woman has actually gone home with a man based on that famous opening line.)
Nowadays the serious world of Astrology is filled with people that think it's either "the Law" because it pre-dates all other religions, or people that want to feel that they are good at "something" and this was the easiest thing they could find on the web. For the rest of the world, it's just an obnoxious belief system that is kinda cute at times, but is generally considered to be easier to explain away than the tooth fairy.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is the last requested piece that I am doing. I have too much I want to write about before this thing wraps up in November, so I have to pass on the other requests. Thanks anyway.
Lastly, If I don't post for a few days, I'm busy. Give me a break with the "reminder" emails.
posted by Daniel Loomis | 6:10 AM
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