i will abide

Have you ever closed your eyes and still been able to see it? Does your body cringe and roll around when you do? Have you just ever so lightly taken the softest of breaths in through your nose and been able to taste it? Can you run your hands just over the surface without touching it and still been able to feel it with every inch of your body? Do you take deep breaths when you just think of it? Do your hands start to touch you, the way they want to touch a lover, without you even noticing it?

It's been a while for me. Too long, some would say. I like to think of it as testing my resolve or slow dancing with my soul with the intentions of teaching myself patience and thus, a finer appreciation for the art. Most people like to call it a dry spell, a fasting, a rough spot or even the vulgar - impotence. What ever it's called, it's working wonders for me at the moment. (Yes, I can still get it up, but I am not using it, that's the difference)

Sex was always very important to me for most of my young life and I indulged my sexual thirst whenever possible, with whomever was convenient and I didn't hold back. I was quenching my thirst from a raging waterfall in large messy gulps that drenched my entire body. I wanted to bury myself in each and every occasion and I wanted to squeeze every drop of whatever was there, out of it. For years and years I felt successful, it's only now that I realize that I missed the mark entirely.

I found that I was engaging in so much sexual behavior because it was what was expected of me. My persona and my urge to seduce were one and the same and I didn't know life without it. Nymphomania, as I have said before, is not a joke, it's an affliction. I felt the need to dance with so many people just to satisfy a destructive side of my personality, but I had to do it in a pleasurable way. I can honestly say that 99% of the people I have had sex with I would never sleep with again. It's not that I don't like them or that I didn't enjoy myself, it's just that I didn't do it for the right reasons and I know better now. I have no regrets, without my prior behavior I would have never come to this place in my mind and body and the pleasure I get from the insight is far greater than ten thousand successful seductions or ten million orgasms. Perhaps this is why I stand down now.

My behavior has allowed me a greater insight into our world that many people will never know and most people don't think possible. The amount of time I have spent having sex, pursuing sex or behaving in a manner associated with sex, equals the same amount of time it takes most people to achieve two PhDs. Which, by every standard in the world of education, makes me a PhD in the field twice over. Honorary, of course. (I could have a minor in Math too)

I know what makes people do what they do and I have seen the systematic behavior that people engage in subconsciously that they themselves do not see nor sense. I can see the single people acting out in modest sexual ways without them thinking it sexual at all. To say it was would be an act of flirting, name calling or blasphemy, so I hold my tongue. I have seen married people with the same sexual behavior, but they would think me crazy if I told them they were. I have seen people acting out knowingly and willingly and yet, still not having a clue why or to what end their actions will bring. I have seen parents prepare their children for a future of sexual behavior and not even know it. I have seen schools, religion and modern media preach the gospel of sex and I have seen the faithful sheep obey their shepherds without question. This is what I know from sleeping with so many. Without knowing it, I would never have been able to sleep with as many as I did. I tapped into their minds and I used it for my own ends. Their own minds gave themselves away. We are helpless when it comes to being participants to our own dreams. In reality, if we don't live our own dreams, we will be doomed to be the participants in the dreams of others. Either with or without our knowledge. Doubt me? How many people have you slept with that you can't explain why you did it? What made you do it at the time? I bet you have a real good explanation now... That's if you can remember it at all.

I do not claim to be the champion of sexual causes or the final word in sexual behavior. I do, however, claim to be rather knowledgeable when it comes to my own sexual attitudes. This is why I am presently; the calmed waters of a once formidable tempest. The sediments are slowly settling on the bottom and the water is finally finding it's clarity.

I drift along as only a drifter can - In a peaceful solitude.

BUT OOOOOOOOH how I miss it! The sensory explosion of two people engaged in a dance. The salty taste of skin. The ever changing contour of a warm body. The look of eyes closed in rapture as you violate their body. The power of every thrust and the intensity of gliding, swaying, slapping and teasing. The unbearable tension that builds as the orgasm approaches. Oh, the sins of the flesh in all their glory, how can I be so stalwart!?

I believe that what I miss the most is what I have never really appreciated during my time on the dance floor. I never took the time to notice the tiny measurements and now I am left without any recollection of them at all. This keeps any fantasy from being complete and it pains me to know this. I only barely remember what it's like to remove the clothes of another person, yet I recall it being an important aspect of the event. I barely remember removing my clothes or if I liked it when someone else removed them for me. I don't remember if I liked it when people seduced me. I have no chemical memory of where my hands were or what they were doing all that time. The same is true for my eyes, where were they during all this excitement? How come I can't fix an image in my mind of the grander parts, but I can recall the minor ones? I can remember what every lover preferred from me orally and what position was sure to make them have an orgasm, but I can't remember their names.

So for all the dancing, the stroking, the humping, the choking, the restraining, the name calling, the laughing, the moaning, the groaning, the sweating, the pleasing, the torturing, the awkwardness, the talking, the planning, the wooing, the hugging, the joking, the laughing, the seducing and the lying.... I am left where it all began before it started - Just a single man without any sex. Curious and frightened by the notion, that another human might possibility see me naked. Worried to the point of sickness that I will fail miserably in the art of pleasure. Confused and confounded by the intricate workings of the mind of a lover. Consumed with vanity and being cool. Unsure of whom to seek out for information, relief, and understanding.

Perhaps the second time around I will know better what I am looking for. Perhaps I will only find genuine lovers from this point forward. Perhaps. I know one thing for sure; I know that women under 25 can't fuck worth a damn. Thankfully (I think) none of them find me attractive, so I shouldn't have to worry about that in the future. Unless, of course Natalie Portman comes calling. I doubt that my resolve can withstand her charms.