the delicate art and complex science of snot rockets
One thumb. One nostril. One blast of determination. And with that... Clarity.
Switch thumbs and take care of the other side. Know that when you do, you'll not be able to fully seal the second nostril as the previous nostril will be recently emptied of it's natural sealant. This may cause the second projectile to lose some of it's mustard and barely be able to make it out of the barrel. A quick second blast of air pressure should send the second projectile far enough from the silo to clear your shirt collar.
All totaled, this entire sequence should take less than two seconds. Three, if you have to send a second blast to clear out the muzzle.
Should one of the projectiles malfunction during take off and merely crawl out of the missile silo, then another finger will be required to assist in removing the live round before it prematurely dries and crusts. This can lead to an unsightly skin abrasion should you rub up against it accidentally. Or, should it be left unattended it could lead to serious embarrassment.
Disposal is an art in and of itself; a tissue is the best coarse of action, but not always available. When you're caught without a tissue; under a chair, on a friend's clothes (or anything owned by your friend will do), in between the pages of US weekly magazine, or on the wall of a bathroom stall will suffice. Where you place it, has a lot to do with who you are as a person. The more creative you are, the more likely you are to place it in a creative spot. Some of the more creative spots have been left to the imagination to figure out. Get one on the bottom of the throne of England and you're a god.
The visceral rockets are also great play toys and make an excellent Ben Wa ball for the meditative soul. Simply roll it in between your fingers until the "sticky" is gone and then you can flick it from your fingers into the unsuspecting hair of a stranger. Oh the laughter! The process of playing with this toy is very zen-like and should aide you immensely in your pursuit of eternal enlightenment. Many a soul has discovered their true innerself while rolling a hunker of a booger between their fingers. It's unconfirmed, but rumor has it that Albert Einstein came up with his famous, E=MC2 theory while rolling a particularly massive booger. The story goes that Al was taking one of his famous bike rides down a dusty road that lasted for a few hours and he had collected some serious rocket build up. (The removal of which, is considered in certain cultures to be very, very sexy and sign of virility) Anyway, Al felt the presence of that great conflagration and tried to remove it promptly. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be and it landed on his sleeve. He tried to remove it to no avail. It was a stubborn booger and it kept finding ways to cling on to Al's fingers. It took hours of fidgeting, all the while, Al had stopped riding and gone over to a friend's house where they got involved in a deep conversation about different influential men of science. Al finally fed up with the booger, had to wipe it on a colleague's notebook while his head was turned. Written on the notebook in big black letters was "Edison was a Misaligned coefficient!" and, written in pencil just below that was, "Yeah, Bro! Times two!" And the rest, they say, is history.
It's a centuries old practice with religious roots that even predates Christianity. However, there are tales of Jesus occasionally wiping a good one on one of his disciple's grails while they weren't looking. I mean, let's be honest, who cares about II Peter's grail? Jesus was such a prankster. It's not widely publicized, but J man was also big into blowing raspberries on hooker's bellies after he had downed a few too many cups of his own blood.
It's actually written in Josea...
"And after forty days and forty nights in the desert, the lord appeared and proclaimed, Whomsoever should believe in me... Will let me wipe this on their robe. HA HA HA!" (the ha ha ha is really written in there. Really. You don't believe me but when was the last time you read Josea?) I wonder how many clueless followers fell victim to J man's love of belching to show you love his pops.
There are actually early cave paintings showing ancient man wiping ancient boogers on the sides of ancient woolly mammoths. The next paintings show the mammoth wiping one back on the cave man but the cave man doesn't survive.
These days, the mostly forgotten practice of snot rockets has been deemed behavior of the unruly, unsavory and the unacceptable. A once noble art is now a crude act of a lesser human. It's now something done only by those that have no class or virtue, but I say this - Even rich people get boogers and rich people wipe them on chairs just like the rest of us. It's just that their chairs cost more than yours.
Boogers, it's what's for breakfast. Don't believe me, ask ten trillion children. They eat them like hot cakes. Booger eaters know no class, religion, race, sex or sexual orientation (even though I think homosexuals eat them more than heterosexuals). I'm not sure why boogers are so alluring and enticing to these children, but they can not be stopped.
Final note: I don't like to end on such a gross point, which is why I added this final note.
Switch thumbs and take care of the other side. Know that when you do, you'll not be able to fully seal the second nostril as the previous nostril will be recently emptied of it's natural sealant. This may cause the second projectile to lose some of it's mustard and barely be able to make it out of the barrel. A quick second blast of air pressure should send the second projectile far enough from the silo to clear your shirt collar.
All totaled, this entire sequence should take less than two seconds. Three, if you have to send a second blast to clear out the muzzle.
Should one of the projectiles malfunction during take off and merely crawl out of the missile silo, then another finger will be required to assist in removing the live round before it prematurely dries and crusts. This can lead to an unsightly skin abrasion should you rub up against it accidentally. Or, should it be left unattended it could lead to serious embarrassment.
Disposal is an art in and of itself; a tissue is the best coarse of action, but not always available. When you're caught without a tissue; under a chair, on a friend's clothes (or anything owned by your friend will do), in between the pages of US weekly magazine, or on the wall of a bathroom stall will suffice. Where you place it, has a lot to do with who you are as a person. The more creative you are, the more likely you are to place it in a creative spot. Some of the more creative spots have been left to the imagination to figure out. Get one on the bottom of the throne of England and you're a god.
The visceral rockets are also great play toys and make an excellent Ben Wa ball for the meditative soul. Simply roll it in between your fingers until the "sticky" is gone and then you can flick it from your fingers into the unsuspecting hair of a stranger. Oh the laughter! The process of playing with this toy is very zen-like and should aide you immensely in your pursuit of eternal enlightenment. Many a soul has discovered their true innerself while rolling a hunker of a booger between their fingers. It's unconfirmed, but rumor has it that Albert Einstein came up with his famous, E=MC2 theory while rolling a particularly massive booger. The story goes that Al was taking one of his famous bike rides down a dusty road that lasted for a few hours and he had collected some serious rocket build up. (The removal of which, is considered in certain cultures to be very, very sexy and sign of virility) Anyway, Al felt the presence of that great conflagration and tried to remove it promptly. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be and it landed on his sleeve. He tried to remove it to no avail. It was a stubborn booger and it kept finding ways to cling on to Al's fingers. It took hours of fidgeting, all the while, Al had stopped riding and gone over to a friend's house where they got involved in a deep conversation about different influential men of science. Al finally fed up with the booger, had to wipe it on a colleague's notebook while his head was turned. Written on the notebook in big black letters was "Edison was a Misaligned coefficient!" and, written in pencil just below that was, "Yeah, Bro! Times two!" And the rest, they say, is history.
It's a centuries old practice with religious roots that even predates Christianity. However, there are tales of Jesus occasionally wiping a good one on one of his disciple's grails while they weren't looking. I mean, let's be honest, who cares about II Peter's grail? Jesus was such a prankster. It's not widely publicized, but J man was also big into blowing raspberries on hooker's bellies after he had downed a few too many cups of his own blood.
It's actually written in Josea...
"And after forty days and forty nights in the desert, the lord appeared and proclaimed, Whomsoever should believe in me... Will let me wipe this on their robe. HA HA HA!" (the ha ha ha is really written in there. Really. You don't believe me but when was the last time you read Josea?) I wonder how many clueless followers fell victim to J man's love of belching to show you love his pops.
There are actually early cave paintings showing ancient man wiping ancient boogers on the sides of ancient woolly mammoths. The next paintings show the mammoth wiping one back on the cave man but the cave man doesn't survive.
These days, the mostly forgotten practice of snot rockets has been deemed behavior of the unruly, unsavory and the unacceptable. A once noble art is now a crude act of a lesser human. It's now something done only by those that have no class or virtue, but I say this - Even rich people get boogers and rich people wipe them on chairs just like the rest of us. It's just that their chairs cost more than yours.
Boogers, it's what's for breakfast. Don't believe me, ask ten trillion children. They eat them like hot cakes. Booger eaters know no class, religion, race, sex or sexual orientation (even though I think homosexuals eat them more than heterosexuals). I'm not sure why boogers are so alluring and enticing to these children, but they can not be stopped.
Final note: I don't like to end on such a gross point, which is why I added this final note.
posted by Daniel Loomis | 3:29 PM
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