bring me the head of mark walhberg

In the infancy of the white rapping festish, Marky Mark was one of the two standards by which all other white rappers were judged. The only other white rapper that was used as a measuring stick was Vanilla Ice, so you can see just how important Marky Mark was for the burgeoning white rapping trend.

Marky Mark didn't work hard to become the pillar of the new genre. Oh no. No, he got his start in an old fashion way; he was related to a different person. Marky Mark was the younger brother of a more popular singer at the time, "the bad boy" - Donnie Walberg of New Kids on The Block. The most popular group in the world. Donnie was broody and mysterious and he oozed all that makes a bad boy, bad. He set fire to his hotel room in Louisville, Kentucky. Cause all bad boys have issues with child proof lighters. He had a natural scowl. He licked his lips a lot. He wore baggy clothes. And he had a mohawk/mullet that was so hot at the time. Marky Mark was cut of the same cloth so it was no surprise that Marky Mark was such a furrowed brow angry Bostonian like his older brother. He never set a hotel on fire, but he did set the world on fire with his Calvin Klein underwear ad. Cause all bad boys love to sell underwear in their spare time. He had the angry scowl and the lip licking. His hair was under a sideways baseball hat(which is very, very naughty) but that didn't matter. Marky Mark had something that no one bad boy had ever had, muscles. No bad boy had ever had them before, but every real bad boy since has had them.

Marky Mark had two hits - a dance number called, Good Vibrations, which was filled with joy and happiness, two very serious bad boy traits. The other hit was a remake of Take a Walk on the Wild Side. He updated Lou Reed's lyrics a bit and wisely put his brother in the video to give it some credibility, but as soon as Marky Mark released Take a Walk on the Wild Side, he was gone. The future looked bleak for Marky and there was nothing that his brother's fame could do to save him. Donnie's fame was all but gone at this point and he was really milking anything he could off his bro's fame.

Suddenly, Judas Priest's lead singer came out of the closet and the band broke up, shocking everyone and shaking up the rock world. Just like that! Trying to find a lead singer to replace Rob Halford was going to be an impossible task. Rob's voice was the band so no ordinary man was going to do. So instead of seeking out an established singer from another famous band, the band instead found a man that was singing in a Judas Priest cover band. His name was "Ripper". And you could say that the band made all of his dreams come true. He went from being an obnoxious Rob Halford wannabe to being Rob Halford. Sans the Homosexuality (which the female fans really appreciated). Ripper was rich, famous and getting laid every day. (see momma, dreams really do come true!)

Marky Mark stopped singing but he didn't stop being famous. He saw the early writing on the wall for the white people in the black musical mediums and he jumped ship. He reappeared as Mark Walhberg: Master thespian (see the difference there; Marky Mark and Mark Walhberg?) But in order for Mark sans "EEE" to be taken serious, he needed a huge cock. So, It all starts with a huge cock with a coke problem.

In the seventies, men didn't have to be charming, funny or good looking to get laid. In fact, it was encouraged to be a slob and hairy if you wanted to get the ladies hot. Women ate it up! They couldn't get enough of these furry, drug addicted, no condom wearing, Friday night specials. Of course, it helped that these men had cocks that dragged behind them on the ground when they walked. I guess the laides like that sort of thing...

There were two men on the planet that were primarilary responsible for this new trend, they were two white boys named, Ron Jeremy - a former special education teacher from Queens, New York, and John Holmes - a shoe salesman from Ohio. These two white men with their huge love for women were the backbone of the porn industry for years. Their disgusting and every man appeal gave hope to millions of men around the world.

John Holmes' fame started to wane when he became a drug addict and was involved in a drug related murder. Eventually his fame all but washed up and he died in 1988 of AIDS, which he aquired after switching to Gay porn which paid him in coke. Ron Jeremy, depending on the way you look at it, is sadly still around. A living relic of a time when ugly men had the ability to rule the universe. Time was not very nice to him, and even though he is still making porn, he is now referred to as the "the human hedgehog" for his less than desirable appearance.

Mark Walhberg started getting more and more movie roles. They were "nothing" roles, not much to look at, in fact, they're forgettable. In "Fear" he played a bad boy that stalks a girl. In "Basketball Diaries" he played a bad boy junkie. And in "Renaisance Man" he played a bad boy solider. He was the new mold for short, muscled bad boys in film.

In the world of American sports, no world is more widely aspired to, or fantasized about, than football. With a high degree of accuracy I can say that 79 percent of all American males dream about playing professional football. They dream of walking onto the field, no matter what, and making the big play that wins the big game. Of course, the odds of becoming a football player are one in 100,000. These odds increase exponetially with each passing year of your life. In fact, only one person in the history of professional football has ever become a player after 30. Vincent Papale of the Philadelphia Eagles. He is the only walk on player to ever try out and make the team. No previous experience at all. None. The statistical average of that happening: 1:1,454,673,000.

Mark Walhberg was offered his first "real" role of his life. He was cast in the lead of the quasi-John Holmes bio pic, "Boogie Nights". The film was a huge success and Mark's popularity went through the roof. Especially when his musclely body was fitted with a 12 inch prosthetic cock which he displayed at the end of the film. He was as popular as one man could dream to be. Women wanted him. Men wanted to be him. Normal guys everywhere dream of becoming a porn star.

Mark Walhberg was offered his second "real" role. He was cast in the lead of the quasi-Ripper bio pic, "Rock Star". The film was a huge succee and Mark's popularity again, went through the roof. Especially when his body was fitted with a magical voice that could reach over eight octives. He even got to drive the Batmobile. He was as popular as one can could ever be. Women wanted him. Men wanted to be him. He has a 12 inch cock and he can sing. Normal guys everywhere dream of becoming a rock star.

Mark Walhberg was then offered the third film in his bio pic career path road to success. He was offered the "real" role of the "real" Vincent Papale. The film comes out this year and it's sure to be a success. Especially when his is fitted with acting talent. He will be as popular as he ever been. Women will want him cause he's an athlete with a huge cock and huge voice. Men will still want to be him and I'm sure there will be a small portion of world that will begin to think Mark Walhberg is the most perfect human that has ever lived. Normal guys everywhere dream of becoming a star athlete.

Donnie Walhberg had to lose forty pounds for a cameo role in "The Sixth Sense" for which he wasn't paid a dime. He played a disturbed, balding, crazy man who kills Bruce Willis and then himself. In fact, in all of Donnie Walhberg's movie he plays a disturbed, balding crazy man. "Ransom","Dreamweaver" and a video he made for his daughter. I think they should release the pillow with Donnie Walhberg on it today. I doubt to many people are going to rush out and buy it. The Marky Mark Pillow... There are men that would not only buy it, they would make out with it every night.

There is really only one thing left for Mark Walhberg to be associated with that would complete his "dream date" status - Jesus.