middle-aged whore's knees syndrome
Okay, this is it. I need a HO LOTTA money. Cash, bread, cheese, queso oro, Texas tea, mean green, moola moola, dead presidents.... I need a lot of money and I am willing to do anything to get it. I am open to suggestions at this point and I thank all of you for your support and your effort. I am very touched to see so many people reach out.
The complications I am having comes from a bank loan that I took out for my car - which I sold to my mother. As soon as she pays the bank what I owe on the loan, that releases my credit for the bike loan. My mother has decided that she doesn't WANT to start that process until late August. Thus, I still own the car(which she just drove to Kentucky from Washington and still has at this posting), I am still making the payments for the car, I have no bike, I have no loan for the bike and I am running out of time to make my departure date. Even if I did get the loan, they bank wouldn't give me the entire coast of the bike SO, I would still have to raise two grand to cover the rest of the cost of the bike. WHICH, If I could raise the two grand I would have to use that money to cover my bills before I could apply it to the bike. AND, as if that weren't enough, I would have to do it, in less than ten days! (this sounds like a Jerry Bruckheimer movie, doesn't it?)
HERE'S THE MATH::::
Bike "A" must be purchased in the next week SO THAT I can have it fitted with the gear required for such a long trip. THEN, I then need to get some shorter practice trips on the bike to fine tune the bike and myself; which gear to take, how long can I ride, suspension adjustments, etc. THEREFORE: Loan "A" for Bike "A" is waiting on a my mother's "Yea or Nay" to Loan "B" on Car "B", which she doesn't FEEL LIKE DOING until, MAYBE, a week before the trip is supposed to start! Car "B" could make the trip, BUT, the fuel costs QUINTUPLE if I take Car "B" instead of Bike "A". AND, the dream isn't a cross country road trip in a car... I have done that over a hundred times and it's not the same as a solo bike trip. Not to mention, she has the car with her.
As you can see... It's a tight spot.
A friend suggested that I have a fund raising auction where all of my friends could donate goods and then my other friends could buy them with all proceeds going towards the trip. Another friend suggested that I sell blood, sperm and/or plasma which is a wonderful idea, but you can only give blood once every three days. Plasma, once a day and sperm, once a week - if you're healthy and sperm-worthy (yes, even our sperm is scrutinized by the women's ever critical eye.)
Another good idea was whoring myself out to the world. No holds barred! This seems to be appeal to my darker sexual side a lot, but it doesn't seem particularly reasonable given my present physical state and age. But if it pays the bills, celibacy be damned! Sadly, the only customers that I could see trying to seek out a middle aged man whore for affection would be older men who couldn't get the younger man whores to touch them. So you can see, that makes that target market less than ideal. It would take more than a "grin and bear it" mentality to make enough money that way.
I could try to find sponsors for the trip. Putting stickers and patches on my bike and gear to supplement the ride. If you're willing to sell your sex for money, why not the back of your helmet? If you're willing to trash your morals for cash I say, GO ALL THE WAY! Get paid! "This trip brought you to by Vagisil".
I can sell the typewriters, my clothes and various other "Daniel used this!" items. That seems like a strong idea at the moment as I don't think I would have a place to come back to if I make this trip and if I didn't have anything in the apartment when they locked me out, I wouldn't feel so bad. Not to mention, those lucky enough to have the limited edition, Daniel coffee machine. Would know that it's a one and only. Should I become famous, these items would go down in history as the "Bike tour boot". Ebay, anyone?
Shows are usually the best for raising money fast so I am working with a few people at setting up shows along the bike tour route. Sadly, without a bike, it's going to be a hard sell a Comedy Bike Tour, but if I book shows, I'm a comin', no matter what. At this point, I am doing every local show within five hours of my house that is available to me.
An online travel magazine called, InTravel.com has shown some interest in publishing some of my road stories, but which ones? (I would be open to suggestions here as well) Do you think they would be interested in a daily "Invasion" diary of their own? I like the idea of having writing save my skin in this crisis. In a way, it would satisfy my deep desire to be seen as a legit writer. Not that I think that writing a monster blog posting every day isn't legit writing, but for some reason, paying a cover to read my stuff seems to validate the job title.
....Hey.... that's another idea.... a blog cover charge.... forget it.
I have auditions for a commercial, a live sex show and an indy movie over the next two days. If I give away a pint of plasma a day, a handful( ? ) of sperm a day and a pint of blood a day, I should be able to make another 100. There is always being a lab rat for a science experiments or pharmaceutical company drug trials, I have done this before and it pays well, however you tend to walk funny and you have a metallic taste in your mouth for weeks afterwards.
Does anyone want a Nintendo Game cube? How about a collection of photos of naked women that I have slept with that didn't know I had a camera? I have some pens that I have never ever used... And some paper that matches. There is some beef jerky in my cabinet that I am willing to part with.
Drum roll... I have a brown, very used, very smelly, very faded, brown hat.... Anyone? Anyone?
If you ever wanted to know where my breaking point is, I think we've found it.
The complications I am having comes from a bank loan that I took out for my car - which I sold to my mother. As soon as she pays the bank what I owe on the loan, that releases my credit for the bike loan. My mother has decided that she doesn't WANT to start that process until late August. Thus, I still own the car(which she just drove to Kentucky from Washington and still has at this posting), I am still making the payments for the car, I have no bike, I have no loan for the bike and I am running out of time to make my departure date. Even if I did get the loan, they bank wouldn't give me the entire coast of the bike SO, I would still have to raise two grand to cover the rest of the cost of the bike. WHICH, If I could raise the two grand I would have to use that money to cover my bills before I could apply it to the bike. AND, as if that weren't enough, I would have to do it, in less than ten days! (this sounds like a Jerry Bruckheimer movie, doesn't it?)
HERE'S THE MATH::::
Bike "A" must be purchased in the next week SO THAT I can have it fitted with the gear required for such a long trip. THEN, I then need to get some shorter practice trips on the bike to fine tune the bike and myself; which gear to take, how long can I ride, suspension adjustments, etc. THEREFORE: Loan "A" for Bike "A" is waiting on a my mother's "Yea or Nay" to Loan "B" on Car "B", which she doesn't FEEL LIKE DOING until, MAYBE, a week before the trip is supposed to start! Car "B" could make the trip, BUT, the fuel costs QUINTUPLE if I take Car "B" instead of Bike "A". AND, the dream isn't a cross country road trip in a car... I have done that over a hundred times and it's not the same as a solo bike trip. Not to mention, she has the car with her.
As you can see... It's a tight spot.
A friend suggested that I have a fund raising auction where all of my friends could donate goods and then my other friends could buy them with all proceeds going towards the trip. Another friend suggested that I sell blood, sperm and/or plasma which is a wonderful idea, but you can only give blood once every three days. Plasma, once a day and sperm, once a week - if you're healthy and sperm-worthy (yes, even our sperm is scrutinized by the women's ever critical eye.)
Another good idea was whoring myself out to the world. No holds barred! This seems to be appeal to my darker sexual side a lot, but it doesn't seem particularly reasonable given my present physical state and age. But if it pays the bills, celibacy be damned! Sadly, the only customers that I could see trying to seek out a middle aged man whore for affection would be older men who couldn't get the younger man whores to touch them. So you can see, that makes that target market less than ideal. It would take more than a "grin and bear it" mentality to make enough money that way.
I could try to find sponsors for the trip. Putting stickers and patches on my bike and gear to supplement the ride. If you're willing to sell your sex for money, why not the back of your helmet? If you're willing to trash your morals for cash I say, GO ALL THE WAY! Get paid! "This trip brought you to by Vagisil".
I can sell the typewriters, my clothes and various other "Daniel used this!" items. That seems like a strong idea at the moment as I don't think I would have a place to come back to if I make this trip and if I didn't have anything in the apartment when they locked me out, I wouldn't feel so bad. Not to mention, those lucky enough to have the limited edition, Daniel coffee machine. Would know that it's a one and only. Should I become famous, these items would go down in history as the "Bike tour boot". Ebay, anyone?
Shows are usually the best for raising money fast so I am working with a few people at setting up shows along the bike tour route. Sadly, without a bike, it's going to be a hard sell a Comedy Bike Tour, but if I book shows, I'm a comin', no matter what. At this point, I am doing every local show within five hours of my house that is available to me.
An online travel magazine called, InTravel.com has shown some interest in publishing some of my road stories, but which ones? (I would be open to suggestions here as well) Do you think they would be interested in a daily "Invasion" diary of their own? I like the idea of having writing save my skin in this crisis. In a way, it would satisfy my deep desire to be seen as a legit writer. Not that I think that writing a monster blog posting every day isn't legit writing, but for some reason, paying a cover to read my stuff seems to validate the job title.
....Hey.... that's another idea.... a blog cover charge.... forget it.
I have auditions for a commercial, a live sex show and an indy movie over the next two days. If I give away a pint of plasma a day, a handful( ? ) of sperm a day and a pint of blood a day, I should be able to make another 100. There is always being a lab rat for a science experiments or pharmaceutical company drug trials, I have done this before and it pays well, however you tend to walk funny and you have a metallic taste in your mouth for weeks afterwards.
Does anyone want a Nintendo Game cube? How about a collection of photos of naked women that I have slept with that didn't know I had a camera? I have some pens that I have never ever used... And some paper that matches. There is some beef jerky in my cabinet that I am willing to part with.
Drum roll... I have a brown, very used, very smelly, very faded, brown hat.... Anyone? Anyone?
If you ever wanted to know where my breaking point is, I think we've found it.
posted by Daniel Loomis | 10:26 AM
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