the invasion of Canada
Episode 1.
And Jesus spoke and sayeth unto them, "Hey, what's with airline food?"
Every time I appear in Canada, there is a new challenge I must win in order to see another day. The last trip was the car breaking down and having to survive the ghost cows. The time before that, the car lost power in the middle of driving in a snow storm. This trip - I have to do a show for Mormons. Not the easiest people to entertain and they kick start my 15 day tour.
Coutts, Alberta, a town of 360, is literally sitting on the border of Canada and Montana. The border keeps moving and it has moved back far enough to run through the town. Most of the people here are farmers, farm brokers or wives of farmers or farm brokers. It's a quiet town that only sees people stopping here to have their cars checked for illegal immigrants. The mayor is only 36 and he ran unopposed in the last election. ( I know this because he told me) This town is a microcosm of Canada in general. One half of the 360 wants a Tim Hortons and the other half doesn't. Half of the 360 want a Wal Mart and the other half doesn't. It's very tense in this small space with these people. You can tell that the wrong this said and this town would riot.
It's all Mormon, all the time in Coutts. Apparently, as dedicated as they are here to the Moroni method of getting into heaven, they still smoke quite a bit, and still drink rum. I guess those were things that the Mormon missionaries were just not going to sell to these people. They can dig the whole, "two years of supplies and weapons, and the complete library of the Osmond show on DVD" that a Mormon must have to get into heaven. They can do that. But they are not having any of the "no sex, no fun, die healthy" mantra. Coutts wants, and I think, deserves, a place in heaven, but they are not going to completly sell out for a ticket. They need something to get them through.
Comedy night rolls into Coutts once a year. The ticket is cheap. There are door prizes, food at midnight, music to dance to including the sweet sounds of Toby Keith, AC/DC and Kanye West. It is, The night, to be out in Coutts. This year, along with the devil stepping music, there would be comedy. Comedy that hopefully will bring some cheer to this tormented town. Certainly the entertainer would be a man of the cloth, a true believer, someone that can find humor in the bible and not be blasphemous. Someone that knows their struggle and isn't likely to screw up any chance they have of getting into a heaven or, let's say, anywhere but here. Someone kind. Someone generous. Someone holy. Someone named... Daniel.
I crossed the border early and from the gate to my room - Two hundred feet. The motel is small, maybe seven rooms total, which I don't mind at all, but the doors of the rooms are facing the weather which means that every time you open the door, you're gonna get some of it. Instead of a run of the mill motel room, I am staying in a refurbished mobile home made in 1969 which sets back a bit from the road. It's walls are wafer thin and it's surprisingly warmer than it looks which isn't much. Once inside the room I thought I should start a fire but it didn't have a fire place. It does have a shower and a ceiling vent which is pretty much the same thing, but I thought that a fire would be bad for business so I had better skip it. I froze to death instead, that always looks better for business.
The show started at 8 and even though the venue was two blocks away from my trailer, I decided I would drive there. (HEY! IT WAS COLD!) It would have taken three minutes to walk - It took thirty to drive. Thirty seconds of that was actual driving time, the rest of the time was dedicated to warming up the car for the drive. The audience was at, what we would come to find out, capacity. 26 people. Again, half of them angry, the other half worried that I won't be Mormon funny.
The mayor was drunk when I got there and would ultimately be the one to turn off the music and introduce me. Well, not "introduce me", he handed me the mike and went back to the bar, which is actually a better introduction than from most of the MC's I've had in the past that were "professionals". I started with some lighter humor. Local stuff. Then I laid down the modified version of the jokes in my set that can be modified, still getting laughs. Then I start into the new territory which I will call, "faking my religion for the sake of comedy in Coutts". I became.....
Life loves irony. It really, really does. It loves to challenge you and forces you to look at your morals, your goals and your will to live, to see if there is any error in them. If there is, life likes to exploit them and then try to use that to destroy you. Just for life's personal enjoyment. Life is a sick, mentally disturbed teenage boy that is mean to cats and life thinks you're a tabby. Most of the challenges will make us stronger people to have lived through them. We generally feel better about ourselves when we see that the struggle is over and we love to share our story with others in a pandering way to see if we can milk some love from those around us. ( that is what I am doing right now)
In order for me to sell the last thirty minutes of comedy to the angry people of Coutts, I became... Mormon. I have read the book and I have enough Mormon friends who keep me up to date on the haps in the Church so it's not that hard of a stretch. I can't say that I did anything ground breaking or noteworthy, but pro-religious comedy is never funny. Unless you're pro-religious. There were some Adam and Eve jokes.... ...some Noah jokes..... ....some Mel Gibson jokes.... ....I think I might have even said "knock, knock" at some point.... ...I am not proud. But I did my job and was able to walk away from this phase of the challenge. ( I would have preferred retrieving a golden egg from a dragon's lair in front of a live audience, but telling jokes will have to do)
The show ended with everyone in agreement that it was funny. Which I like to see in a crowd. After-show organization that determines whether or not their time was well spent. I should ask every crowd to do that.
I stuck around for the dancing and the food and finally made the thirty minute drive back to my room around 11 or 12. I slowly took off my clothes and put some new ones out for the next day. I checked the weather on the television and looked for potential problems. I turned on the shower and jumped into scalding hot water and scoured my tongue and my eyes to get the pain off of them. I was in that shower for an hour scrubbing. (well, really only thirty seconds. It took an hour to warm up the water)
I wake up really, really early and headed out for Calgary. The entire drive - not one Tim Hortons. I am not sure what is a worse challenge; Comedy in front of Mormons or driving in Canada for three hours without one donut shop. Not one. I have been here OVER twenty-four hours and it took twenty three for me to see the first Tim's and twenty six before I had my first one. I can see why half the people of Coutts want to put in a Tim's, it would be the only one for hundreds of kilometers and therefore, a huge success. ( I did some math. They would only have to sell 596 walnut crunches or 363 scones or 1429 donut holes to raise enough money to bring me back next year to do another show. More sales than that will get you the bike)
I am peacefully resting in the home of a friend and I am slipping off for now. Tomorrow - What is that stuff growing on my windshield?
And Jesus spoke and sayeth unto them, "Hey, what's with airline food?"
Every time I appear in Canada, there is a new challenge I must win in order to see another day. The last trip was the car breaking down and having to survive the ghost cows. The time before that, the car lost power in the middle of driving in a snow storm. This trip - I have to do a show for Mormons. Not the easiest people to entertain and they kick start my 15 day tour.
Coutts, Alberta, a town of 360, is literally sitting on the border of Canada and Montana. The border keeps moving and it has moved back far enough to run through the town. Most of the people here are farmers, farm brokers or wives of farmers or farm brokers. It's a quiet town that only sees people stopping here to have their cars checked for illegal immigrants. The mayor is only 36 and he ran unopposed in the last election. ( I know this because he told me) This town is a microcosm of Canada in general. One half of the 360 wants a Tim Hortons and the other half doesn't. Half of the 360 want a Wal Mart and the other half doesn't. It's very tense in this small space with these people. You can tell that the wrong this said and this town would riot.
It's all Mormon, all the time in Coutts. Apparently, as dedicated as they are here to the Moroni method of getting into heaven, they still smoke quite a bit, and still drink rum. I guess those were things that the Mormon missionaries were just not going to sell to these people. They can dig the whole, "two years of supplies and weapons, and the complete library of the Osmond show on DVD" that a Mormon must have to get into heaven. They can do that. But they are not having any of the "no sex, no fun, die healthy" mantra. Coutts wants, and I think, deserves, a place in heaven, but they are not going to completly sell out for a ticket. They need something to get them through.
Comedy night rolls into Coutts once a year. The ticket is cheap. There are door prizes, food at midnight, music to dance to including the sweet sounds of Toby Keith, AC/DC and Kanye West. It is, The night, to be out in Coutts. This year, along with the devil stepping music, there would be comedy. Comedy that hopefully will bring some cheer to this tormented town. Certainly the entertainer would be a man of the cloth, a true believer, someone that can find humor in the bible and not be blasphemous. Someone that knows their struggle and isn't likely to screw up any chance they have of getting into a heaven or, let's say, anywhere but here. Someone kind. Someone generous. Someone holy. Someone named... Daniel.
I crossed the border early and from the gate to my room - Two hundred feet. The motel is small, maybe seven rooms total, which I don't mind at all, but the doors of the rooms are facing the weather which means that every time you open the door, you're gonna get some of it. Instead of a run of the mill motel room, I am staying in a refurbished mobile home made in 1969 which sets back a bit from the road. It's walls are wafer thin and it's surprisingly warmer than it looks which isn't much. Once inside the room I thought I should start a fire but it didn't have a fire place. It does have a shower and a ceiling vent which is pretty much the same thing, but I thought that a fire would be bad for business so I had better skip it. I froze to death instead, that always looks better for business.
The show started at 8 and even though the venue was two blocks away from my trailer, I decided I would drive there. (HEY! IT WAS COLD!) It would have taken three minutes to walk - It took thirty to drive. Thirty seconds of that was actual driving time, the rest of the time was dedicated to warming up the car for the drive. The audience was at, what we would come to find out, capacity. 26 people. Again, half of them angry, the other half worried that I won't be Mormon funny.
The mayor was drunk when I got there and would ultimately be the one to turn off the music and introduce me. Well, not "introduce me", he handed me the mike and went back to the bar, which is actually a better introduction than from most of the MC's I've had in the past that were "professionals". I started with some lighter humor. Local stuff. Then I laid down the modified version of the jokes in my set that can be modified, still getting laughs. Then I start into the new territory which I will call, "faking my religion for the sake of comedy in Coutts". I became.....
Life loves irony. It really, really does. It loves to challenge you and forces you to look at your morals, your goals and your will to live, to see if there is any error in them. If there is, life likes to exploit them and then try to use that to destroy you. Just for life's personal enjoyment. Life is a sick, mentally disturbed teenage boy that is mean to cats and life thinks you're a tabby. Most of the challenges will make us stronger people to have lived through them. We generally feel better about ourselves when we see that the struggle is over and we love to share our story with others in a pandering way to see if we can milk some love from those around us. ( that is what I am doing right now)
In order for me to sell the last thirty minutes of comedy to the angry people of Coutts, I became... Mormon. I have read the book and I have enough Mormon friends who keep me up to date on the haps in the Church so it's not that hard of a stretch. I can't say that I did anything ground breaking or noteworthy, but pro-religious comedy is never funny. Unless you're pro-religious. There were some Adam and Eve jokes.... ...some Noah jokes..... ....some Mel Gibson jokes.... ....I think I might have even said "knock, knock" at some point.... ...I am not proud. But I did my job and was able to walk away from this phase of the challenge. ( I would have preferred retrieving a golden egg from a dragon's lair in front of a live audience, but telling jokes will have to do)
The show ended with everyone in agreement that it was funny. Which I like to see in a crowd. After-show organization that determines whether or not their time was well spent. I should ask every crowd to do that.
I stuck around for the dancing and the food and finally made the thirty minute drive back to my room around 11 or 12. I slowly took off my clothes and put some new ones out for the next day. I checked the weather on the television and looked for potential problems. I turned on the shower and jumped into scalding hot water and scoured my tongue and my eyes to get the pain off of them. I was in that shower for an hour scrubbing. (well, really only thirty seconds. It took an hour to warm up the water)
I wake up really, really early and headed out for Calgary. The entire drive - not one Tim Hortons. I am not sure what is a worse challenge; Comedy in front of Mormons or driving in Canada for three hours without one donut shop. Not one. I have been here OVER twenty-four hours and it took twenty three for me to see the first Tim's and twenty six before I had my first one. I can see why half the people of Coutts want to put in a Tim's, it would be the only one for hundreds of kilometers and therefore, a huge success. ( I did some math. They would only have to sell 596 walnut crunches or 363 scones or 1429 donut holes to raise enough money to bring me back next year to do another show. More sales than that will get you the bike)
I am peacefully resting in the home of a friend and I am slipping off for now. Tomorrow - What is that stuff growing on my windshield?
posted by Daniel Loomis | 12:02 PM
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