funeral arrangements

"He didn't want to buried here. He didn't even want to be buried, he wanted to be cremated and have ashes spread over the ocean."

This is a typical refrain that can be heard at any funeral by one member of the grieving cast. No matter what the setting for the final act of the dearly departed, there is always someone that is upset over the arrangements. Did he want to be buried? If so, did he want to be buried here? Didn't he mention something about some song being played at his funeral? Shouldn't he be buried in his favorite shirt?

The Put-out griever at a funeral is the ninth hardest person in the world to listen to. The tenth hardest person in the world to listen to is The Lord, so you can see what kind of competition the Put out griever is up against. (the eighth hardest person in the world is the person with the wandering eye) So, in order to save my grievers from having to second guess about whether or not I am happy with my send off, I have decided to lay it all out right here and now so that there can be no debate and no catty dialogue about the color of my flowers or the quality of my headstone.

Step One: Make sure I am really dead.

I can not stress enough how important it is that before any arrangements are made that it be confirmed that I am indeed dead. Not breathing and a lack of pulse can be deceiving, so in order to guarantee that I am a goner and to insure that there will be no premature burials or cremations. Behead me. Just cut my head right off. It may be a bit drastic, but it would make me feel better.

Step Two: Lots of lighter fluid.

I prefer to be cremated but it tends to be pretty expensive to get rid of evidence "legally" in this country so what I propose is a deep pit, a lot of lumber and some diesel fuel. Just burn me in the back yard and then scoop up all the ashes. I think this saves money and it's very theatrical.

Step Three: Dust bin.

I think the most effective way of solving the "where to put him" question is to have a hundred or so tiny urns filled with my ashes (and whatever hard fuel ashes that were present when I was cooked) and then handed out to those that would care to have a little vial. They can take me where they think I should be disposed of and then do their little goodbye in private and without debate. Some people might try to save my ashes and that's fine. Eventually there will come a time when I get thrown out or put in storage, which is also an acceptable end for me. (Has anyone ever inherited a full urn from a relative after that relative passed away? Wouldn't that be a thing) Whatever happens, each person will get their own moment to spread half an ounce of me, where ever and it can be their own little space. Side note: No comics with a coke habit are allowed to have an urn for obvious reasons. I know I should ask for specific places to have my ashes spread but then everyone would dump me in those spots and not put me where they want me thus defeating my cool idea.

Step Four: The tunes.

Sad music is everywhere and at my funeral there shall be none of it. There is a song on the "White Nights" soundtrack called, "This is your day" which is campy and very 80's and I think, very funny, which might be appropriate, but that would be about it. That should do just fine. Whenever I am finally disposed of in private. Play whatever song you best feel suits the moment for you. If the ceremony doesn't play the song you want, play the one you want at your own private "disposal".

Step Five: Floral arrangements.

Could really careless. Really.

Step Six: Religion.

I... am not the least bit religious but if there had to be someone who should stand up and do "the thing" then it should be a Jedi. No kidding. Any other denominational presence will be considered an insult to my memory and whomever arranged their presence should be disposed of promptly.

Step Seven: Ceremony.

A movie theater would be the best place to hold it. I love the movies and always felt pretty good sitting in the dark. AND if there was an A/V portion of the event, the screen is right there. I think that refreshments are what are missing from funerals. If we sell enough popcorn and peanut M&Ms we could pay for the A/V portion of the event.

Step Eight: Benediction.

What a time for everyone to get together and get to know each other. What a mess that will be and thankfully, I won't have to be the one to pick up all the trash.

Step Nine: Commentary.

If someone feels that they knew me well enough to say something that will sum me up, go for it. I doubt that any one single person will satisfy the whole crowd. If you think I am kidding here, remember this - my hardcore friends are never going to believe that I liked Air Supply and vice-versa.

Step Ten: Moving on.

Am I okay? Did I live a full life? Did I leave any unanswered questions? The answer to all of these is "yes". These questions are not really meant to be answered but are more telling signs of the depth of your affection. These are questions that are created in your mind to let your emotions and memories linger on. If you keep asking your self questions that can not be answered, then you can never let go. Am I okay?... I'm gone. Did I live a full life?... Having lived is enough. Did I leave any unanswered questions?... Absolutely. If I had known there were questions to answer while I was alive I would have answered them.

I think that my funeral should be pretty angst-free if things go down the way I want them. Just in case they fill more canisters than there are guests... Just dump the left-overs in garden.