the invasion of Korea
Episode 4
naughty by nature
This hotel room has some celebrity attached to it. On the wall, next to the mirror, is a collection of headshots and promotional photos from famous people who have shared this space at one time or another. A lot of the photos I don't recognize and I could care less about, but the one that jumps out at me is the photo of Naughty By Nature, the rap group that made "OPP" back in the 90's. They have signed the photo and indicate how much they appreciate the "korean ho's". The lead singer for that group, Treach, is a notorious bad boy and I can only imagine the debauchery that must have happened in my little room with those K-Ho's. I am shocked that a group that big would have stayed in a hotel like this, but then I remember that they really only two hits and both of them are ten years old so their tour must have been pretty cut rate. But still... Hotel Capital? On this trip, nothing is all that surprising anymore.
It would seem that I am being shadowed by Bushie the Kid, who just happened to make a surprise stop in Osan two hours before my show, so again, there is another lock down. However, this time, I am off the base in my Treach stained, crib away from crib and I have the freedom to move without passes or paper. So take that Bushie!!
It turns out that Bushie did his little thing on the base and then promptly flew away... leaving most of his white house support staff behind along with the entire white house press corp. I would have thought that Bushie would have wanted to hang out a bit, perhaps see my show, which he keeps missing by minutes(this was chance number three), tie a few on and go check out the local K-Ho's with some comics. He is beginning to remind me of the tag along guy that isn't really invited to the bar with you and all your friends but somehow manages to keep up with you and avoid being shaken off. Thankfully he buys all the drinks and drives everyone home at the end of the evening.
So, the first show of the night was in the bar where the Bushie the kid wrap party was being held. The white house staff that weren't cool enough to get on Air Force One, were having a good time and so were most of the world's media along with the three, two and one star generals and every major officer of merit on the air base. The one "three" that I met was a great guy and actually ordered my drink for me and we talked for a bit before the show. I have nothing but love for the man with the three. The rest of the crowd was not very interested in the buzzing bee that was our comedy show. As far as they were concerned - forget us - this was there time to shine. Pilots that hope to fly Air Force One or make astronaut or make waves with super higher ups, were working the room and didn't have time to sit and watch the show. "Three" loved the show and noticing the other officers chatting during the show pissed him off a bit. A few of the White House staff enjoyed the show, not the Bush jokes, but the child abuse ones went over really well. (when I say White house staff, these aren't people that talk to Bushie directly, more of the basement dwelling cronies that do the leg work). The show was clean, but I was able to to throw in some Bushie jokes that seemed to make them chuckle in a "Skull and Bones"kind of way. Nothing deep and hearty, but a chuckle like this, "hu-hu-hu... this little man amuses me... give him a cracker" The three apologized for his officers and looked pissed that he didn't get to see the whole show. I can see there being some serious PT coming to some officers tomorrow. You don't mess with the three!!!
That show, overall, was a struggle but we made it work. That show went off at 8 and our next show wasn't until midnight so we had some time to burn and we spent it driving around the base looking at military perfection in action. I am not allowed to go into details about what was there, but we did see some serious protection of South Korea and the free world, aiming at the non free part of the world, from that base. We ended up eating at a diner with some of the White house staffers and our sponsor on the base. It was an interesting gathering of minds to be sure. I am beginning to feel like a wolf in sheep's clothes on this trip. It's bad enough that I have long hair amid a sea of buzz cuts and white skin in a world of darker hues, I don't need to stick out any further.
The general rule of thumb when it comes to meeting fellow countrymen abroad is not to talk about the things that divide us. Skin heads would embrace a black jewish American if they ran into each other in Thailand. Why? Because what you have in common is what draws you together, and what would tear you apart is not as important. What is important is home. The memories of it - the food, the bars, the people - and it's fun to talk about America with other Americans who haven't been home in a while. Politics, pop culture and other issues are all shit conversations compared to the glory of describing home. On a side note: I must say that I feel that I am really screwing up my FBI file by coincidentally running into federales at every turn on this trip and then, hanging out with them socially and listening to them ramble on in a drunken stupor. I have never been more concerned for my well being in all my life. The wrong question, the wrong comment or the wrong gesture and I feel I could end up in a prison in North Korea or Cuba.
The second show was at the enlisted club which was having its weekly hip hop night and we just came in, turned off the music and went to it. This always goes over well with hip hop fans. The show started at curfew so most of the airmen not working the "arrival" were off base getting lit and chasing skirts, and when they showed up at the show they were not looking for a giggle before they went back to their rooms. These airmen are hoooooooooooorny and they could care less about a long haired white boy and his little Latino side kick. The ratio of men to women here is 10:1, so they have to use all their reserve energy on getting laid. Laughing would require too much effort that could be better used sliding up to a lady and letting her know that your peacock feathers are brighter than the all the others. The women here have it good. You don't have to be attractive in the least little bit and they are treated like goddesses among mere mortals. They have their pick of the finest men and could breed with a new man every night of their enlistment if they wanted to.
The show rocked. Horny, desperate airmen and all.
In a weird wrinkle in the fabric of my life, I actually wanted to stay AFTER the show and hang out with everyone. Mostly because there were American women to look at that didn't smell like fermented cabbage, even if they were Republican White House staffers, they were something to see. I had my chances with them and could have stayed, but I am NOT feeling the least bit sexual even when it's being encouraged and offered. I need to channel the spirit of Treach, but I can't. Not even the "I am the Osan superhero" is working here. I don't remember the last time I was sexually aroused on this trip. I think the smells of the area have destroyed my sex drive. That and the fear of getting chicken flu as a veneral disease. There is just something that is turned off inside me that I can not turn back on at will. Perhaps I just want to get home. Perhaps I don't want to screw anything up or do a lousy job with a White House staffer and end up in a North Korean prison or audited for not calling her back. I don't really know what the deal is, but the chance to fuck a White House staffer would usually be tops on my list of things to do in Korea or anywhere and I am could care less. Regardless of what they looked like, I would rather brush my teeth, watch Sumo and go to bed.
Besides, there is the DMZ on the horizon. Literally and figuratively.
It's a difficult trip. No one I have talked to here thinks I can get there and back in one day. It's two in the morning and I am more than a little exhausted, but I have to get up early and get to the DMZ to salvage what I can out of this leg of my trip. To make it to the DMZ and back safely before the next show, I would have to leave by six in the morning and be back by six in the evening. That's twelve hours to figure out where it is (due north is a good place to start) and then how to get there and back without knowing a word in Korean. Or having any idea if it's open. I would shit myself if I got all the way up there and it's closed. (I was told that it happens a lot) Not sure how it can close, I mean, isn't it a major border heavily guarded with serious people with serious weapons? Does everyone go home at ten and start over the next day at five? Is there a night watch man that walks the fence line with a flashlight? Hmmm...
Perhaps I won't go. Korea was never really high on my list of places that I wanted to go in my life. I have enjoyed the moments that were offered me, but it's time to begin the trek home and I need to spend time with Sancho Ponchi before I send him home on another plane, which is going to be tough to do after three solid weeks of nothing but his face at my side and the sound of his English speaking voice as my only comforts on this trip. I think we need a day.
We are both concerned that we won't know what to do back in our old lives. Working out, driving, eating, talking, not using a passport or having to show papers every where we go, it's all ahead of us and actually seems more foreign than the Korean language. One thing's for sure, you won't ever see either of us eating in a Korean restaurant back home from this moment on. Well... Sancho would never eat anywhere but a McD's so that is an empty claim to make.
Korean... not a language that would make for easy crosswords or Wheel of Fortune. America - the windmills of Asia have been vanquished and I return with the eastern winds. Forgive my inability to talk without a phrase book in my hand. Forgive me for wearing my passport around my neck like it was a fashion statement. Forgive me if take photos of everything.
This ends the invasion of Japan and Korea. Tomorrow.. a few photos.. and a plane trip home.
naughty by nature
This hotel room has some celebrity attached to it. On the wall, next to the mirror, is a collection of headshots and promotional photos from famous people who have shared this space at one time or another. A lot of the photos I don't recognize and I could care less about, but the one that jumps out at me is the photo of Naughty By Nature, the rap group that made "OPP" back in the 90's. They have signed the photo and indicate how much they appreciate the "korean ho's". The lead singer for that group, Treach, is a notorious bad boy and I can only imagine the debauchery that must have happened in my little room with those K-Ho's. I am shocked that a group that big would have stayed in a hotel like this, but then I remember that they really only two hits and both of them are ten years old so their tour must have been pretty cut rate. But still... Hotel Capital? On this trip, nothing is all that surprising anymore.
It would seem that I am being shadowed by Bushie the Kid, who just happened to make a surprise stop in Osan two hours before my show, so again, there is another lock down. However, this time, I am off the base in my Treach stained, crib away from crib and I have the freedom to move without passes or paper. So take that Bushie!!
It turns out that Bushie did his little thing on the base and then promptly flew away... leaving most of his white house support staff behind along with the entire white house press corp. I would have thought that Bushie would have wanted to hang out a bit, perhaps see my show, which he keeps missing by minutes(this was chance number three), tie a few on and go check out the local K-Ho's with some comics. He is beginning to remind me of the tag along guy that isn't really invited to the bar with you and all your friends but somehow manages to keep up with you and avoid being shaken off. Thankfully he buys all the drinks and drives everyone home at the end of the evening.
So, the first show of the night was in the bar where the Bushie the kid wrap party was being held. The white house staff that weren't cool enough to get on Air Force One, were having a good time and so were most of the world's media along with the three, two and one star generals and every major officer of merit on the air base. The one "three" that I met was a great guy and actually ordered my drink for me and we talked for a bit before the show. I have nothing but love for the man with the three. The rest of the crowd was not very interested in the buzzing bee that was our comedy show. As far as they were concerned - forget us - this was there time to shine. Pilots that hope to fly Air Force One or make astronaut or make waves with super higher ups, were working the room and didn't have time to sit and watch the show. "Three" loved the show and noticing the other officers chatting during the show pissed him off a bit. A few of the White House staff enjoyed the show, not the Bush jokes, but the child abuse ones went over really well. (when I say White house staff, these aren't people that talk to Bushie directly, more of the basement dwelling cronies that do the leg work). The show was clean, but I was able to to throw in some Bushie jokes that seemed to make them chuckle in a "Skull and Bones"kind of way. Nothing deep and hearty, but a chuckle like this, "hu-hu-hu... this little man amuses me... give him a cracker" The three apologized for his officers and looked pissed that he didn't get to see the whole show. I can see there being some serious PT coming to some officers tomorrow. You don't mess with the three!!!
That show, overall, was a struggle but we made it work. That show went off at 8 and our next show wasn't until midnight so we had some time to burn and we spent it driving around the base looking at military perfection in action. I am not allowed to go into details about what was there, but we did see some serious protection of South Korea and the free world, aiming at the non free part of the world, from that base. We ended up eating at a diner with some of the White house staffers and our sponsor on the base. It was an interesting gathering of minds to be sure. I am beginning to feel like a wolf in sheep's clothes on this trip. It's bad enough that I have long hair amid a sea of buzz cuts and white skin in a world of darker hues, I don't need to stick out any further.
The general rule of thumb when it comes to meeting fellow countrymen abroad is not to talk about the things that divide us. Skin heads would embrace a black jewish American if they ran into each other in Thailand. Why? Because what you have in common is what draws you together, and what would tear you apart is not as important. What is important is home. The memories of it - the food, the bars, the people - and it's fun to talk about America with other Americans who haven't been home in a while. Politics, pop culture and other issues are all shit conversations compared to the glory of describing home. On a side note: I must say that I feel that I am really screwing up my FBI file by coincidentally running into federales at every turn on this trip and then, hanging out with them socially and listening to them ramble on in a drunken stupor. I have never been more concerned for my well being in all my life. The wrong question, the wrong comment or the wrong gesture and I feel I could end up in a prison in North Korea or Cuba.
The second show was at the enlisted club which was having its weekly hip hop night and we just came in, turned off the music and went to it. This always goes over well with hip hop fans. The show started at curfew so most of the airmen not working the "arrival" were off base getting lit and chasing skirts, and when they showed up at the show they were not looking for a giggle before they went back to their rooms. These airmen are hoooooooooooorny and they could care less about a long haired white boy and his little Latino side kick. The ratio of men to women here is 10:1, so they have to use all their reserve energy on getting laid. Laughing would require too much effort that could be better used sliding up to a lady and letting her know that your peacock feathers are brighter than the all the others. The women here have it good. You don't have to be attractive in the least little bit and they are treated like goddesses among mere mortals. They have their pick of the finest men and could breed with a new man every night of their enlistment if they wanted to.
The show rocked. Horny, desperate airmen and all.
In a weird wrinkle in the fabric of my life, I actually wanted to stay AFTER the show and hang out with everyone. Mostly because there were American women to look at that didn't smell like fermented cabbage, even if they were Republican White House staffers, they were something to see. I had my chances with them and could have stayed, but I am NOT feeling the least bit sexual even when it's being encouraged and offered. I need to channel the spirit of Treach, but I can't. Not even the "I am the Osan superhero" is working here. I don't remember the last time I was sexually aroused on this trip. I think the smells of the area have destroyed my sex drive. That and the fear of getting chicken flu as a veneral disease. There is just something that is turned off inside me that I can not turn back on at will. Perhaps I just want to get home. Perhaps I don't want to screw anything up or do a lousy job with a White House staffer and end up in a North Korean prison or audited for not calling her back. I don't really know what the deal is, but the chance to fuck a White House staffer would usually be tops on my list of things to do in Korea or anywhere and I am could care less. Regardless of what they looked like, I would rather brush my teeth, watch Sumo and go to bed.
Besides, there is the DMZ on the horizon. Literally and figuratively.
It's a difficult trip. No one I have talked to here thinks I can get there and back in one day. It's two in the morning and I am more than a little exhausted, but I have to get up early and get to the DMZ to salvage what I can out of this leg of my trip. To make it to the DMZ and back safely before the next show, I would have to leave by six in the morning and be back by six in the evening. That's twelve hours to figure out where it is (due north is a good place to start) and then how to get there and back without knowing a word in Korean. Or having any idea if it's open. I would shit myself if I got all the way up there and it's closed. (I was told that it happens a lot) Not sure how it can close, I mean, isn't it a major border heavily guarded with serious people with serious weapons? Does everyone go home at ten and start over the next day at five? Is there a night watch man that walks the fence line with a flashlight? Hmmm...
Perhaps I won't go. Korea was never really high on my list of places that I wanted to go in my life. I have enjoyed the moments that were offered me, but it's time to begin the trek home and I need to spend time with Sancho Ponchi before I send him home on another plane, which is going to be tough to do after three solid weeks of nothing but his face at my side and the sound of his English speaking voice as my only comforts on this trip. I think we need a day.
We are both concerned that we won't know what to do back in our old lives. Working out, driving, eating, talking, not using a passport or having to show papers every where we go, it's all ahead of us and actually seems more foreign than the Korean language. One thing's for sure, you won't ever see either of us eating in a Korean restaurant back home from this moment on. Well... Sancho would never eat anywhere but a McD's so that is an empty claim to make.
Korean... not a language that would make for easy crosswords or Wheel of Fortune. America - the windmills of Asia have been vanquished and I return with the eastern winds. Forgive my inability to talk without a phrase book in my hand. Forgive me for wearing my passport around my neck like it was a fashion statement. Forgive me if take photos of everything.
This ends the invasion of Japan and Korea. Tomorrow.. a few photos.. and a plane trip home.
posted by Daniel Loomis | 8:55 AM
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