requested #6
Again... Here are the topics which you have asked me to write about. This first one comes from Canada, where most of my readership (or at least it feels that way). I have commented publicly about this topic before and apparently the issue was not resolved when the words came from my lips. I guess they want to see it in writing so they can show it to the world as a declaration of their greatness over America and as proof of how much America truly does suck.
The topic today... The war of 1812.
Canada loves to point out that they beat America's ass during this war and that they burned down our White House. They love this war. I'm not sure why they would want to remind the most trigger-happy, no-reason-needin-to-bomb-you country in the world that they beat it's ass in grade school, but they do. To America, it's a blip on the war radar and as far as meaningfulness is concerned, it means next to nothing to America. I'm not sure it's taught in school anymore. Most people have forgotten about it. There wasn't a great deal of coverage as CNN is still years away from conception. In the measure of war greatness, it's right below the Hatfield and McCoy fued, the family fued and the time Jimmy kicked Robert's ass for calling him a pussy.
So, yes, the White House burned down. America collected the Insurance and built another one. That building stayed relatively safe until Jackie Kennedy came along and remodeled it. This started a trend and every First lady since has done something obnoxious to it. BUT, we did rebuild and we chalked the whole experience up to using better fences to protect the White House against torch bearing enemies. The whole thing really just pissed off Dolly Madison, the first lady at the time. She didn't get her chance to do any remodeling.
Yes, America did take it in the ass, but not by Canada.... Canada wasn't even a country then. It wasn't even a territory. It was just a lowly... Area. Which is a step above an "over there" and a step down from a "a bit to the left". Canada, an area with many names at the time, owned somewhat by; The British in their typical, we have an army so we own it, way. The French, still trying to explore new places and make enemies. And the natives that still weren't sure what British and French people were doing there. It was just an area to be sure, but it was still their area.
So, during a spat with Great Britain, Canada, the area, became a good place for British troops to stage attacks on the US. It worked well for them, until they quit. They went home. There must have been a hockey strike or the cable went out in a snow storm, who knows, but they left and called it a day. There was a victor, but being American, I was never told who and I don't care.
However, some Brits stayed behind. They braved the cold and the French, the Natives and made "The kids in the hall" and then Alannis Morrisette was born. Canada was finally made into a country in the last century, somewhere during the 1960's and was finally recognized as a "real place" sometime last year. Again, I don't really know. I'm American, I don't care.
The war of 1812 was brutal, people died and you can see still "12-ers" walking around today with their medals on, talking about the war and the friends that they left behind. "You don't know the horrors I've seen, man. You weren't there! You weren't in the shit! Musket balls flying! British men running around with torches setting fires to houses! It was a nightmare, man!" they love to say. They also love to rag on the government for using cancer causing chemicals during the war and they talk about their drug addictions which they started during the down time between skirmishes with "Torchy Charlie". Sadly, They don't have a monument on the mall in Washington D.C.. Someone thought there should be a burned out replica of the White House built out of marble with all the names of the fallen inscribed on it, but it was shot down when it was discovered that no one knew what they were talking about. Again, we are America, we don't care.
Canada, the area, burned down our White House and to pay them back. We send a token number of men there during each war as a symbol that we will not forget their behavior. We also take from the all their talented people and brain wash them into becoming Americans. It's a process not unlike a "stepford wife". They forget wars, loonies, hockey and Donuts.
( I know this is going to lose me the last five readers I had, but as they say in Canada, "Play on!"
The topic today... The war of 1812.
Canada loves to point out that they beat America's ass during this war and that they burned down our White House. They love this war. I'm not sure why they would want to remind the most trigger-happy, no-reason-needin-to-bomb-you country in the world that they beat it's ass in grade school, but they do. To America, it's a blip on the war radar and as far as meaningfulness is concerned, it means next to nothing to America. I'm not sure it's taught in school anymore. Most people have forgotten about it. There wasn't a great deal of coverage as CNN is still years away from conception. In the measure of war greatness, it's right below the Hatfield and McCoy fued, the family fued and the time Jimmy kicked Robert's ass for calling him a pussy.
So, yes, the White House burned down. America collected the Insurance and built another one. That building stayed relatively safe until Jackie Kennedy came along and remodeled it. This started a trend and every First lady since has done something obnoxious to it. BUT, we did rebuild and we chalked the whole experience up to using better fences to protect the White House against torch bearing enemies. The whole thing really just pissed off Dolly Madison, the first lady at the time. She didn't get her chance to do any remodeling.
Yes, America did take it in the ass, but not by Canada.... Canada wasn't even a country then. It wasn't even a territory. It was just a lowly... Area. Which is a step above an "over there" and a step down from a "a bit to the left". Canada, an area with many names at the time, owned somewhat by; The British in their typical, we have an army so we own it, way. The French, still trying to explore new places and make enemies. And the natives that still weren't sure what British and French people were doing there. It was just an area to be sure, but it was still their area.
So, during a spat with Great Britain, Canada, the area, became a good place for British troops to stage attacks on the US. It worked well for them, until they quit. They went home. There must have been a hockey strike or the cable went out in a snow storm, who knows, but they left and called it a day. There was a victor, but being American, I was never told who and I don't care.
However, some Brits stayed behind. They braved the cold and the French, the Natives and made "The kids in the hall" and then Alannis Morrisette was born. Canada was finally made into a country in the last century, somewhere during the 1960's and was finally recognized as a "real place" sometime last year. Again, I don't really know. I'm American, I don't care.
The war of 1812 was brutal, people died and you can see still "12-ers" walking around today with their medals on, talking about the war and the friends that they left behind. "You don't know the horrors I've seen, man. You weren't there! You weren't in the shit! Musket balls flying! British men running around with torches setting fires to houses! It was a nightmare, man!" they love to say. They also love to rag on the government for using cancer causing chemicals during the war and they talk about their drug addictions which they started during the down time between skirmishes with "Torchy Charlie". Sadly, They don't have a monument on the mall in Washington D.C.. Someone thought there should be a burned out replica of the White House built out of marble with all the names of the fallen inscribed on it, but it was shot down when it was discovered that no one knew what they were talking about. Again, we are America, we don't care.
Canada, the area, burned down our White House and to pay them back. We send a token number of men there during each war as a symbol that we will not forget their behavior. We also take from the all their talented people and brain wash them into becoming Americans. It's a process not unlike a "stepford wife". They forget wars, loonies, hockey and Donuts.
( I know this is going to lose me the last five readers I had, but as they say in Canada, "Play on!"
posted by Daniel Loomis | 9:36 AM
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