QUESTIONS OF THE WEAK

When does the book come out?

End of July, hopefully.

Do you ever get nervous before you go on stage?

For comedy, no. Unless there is a contest or it's important, then I must get nervous, because I try to sabotage it, which tells me that I am fighting off the nervousness.

For other "stage" related events. No. I do a pretty good job.

What do you consider your favorite post so far?

The one I called, "education loses by 4 million votes". I just thought it was funny and pointed, which is how I measure a good post to a bad one.

What was your least favorite?

I guess it was the one in December where I said, "i'm still here, more later" and that was all. I am not that attached to that one. I don't think it made the book.

How old were you when you learned to read?

I was very young. Around 3 or 4. I am not sure. I was drinking a lot then and most of my memory is gone from that time.

What do you love to read the most?

Classics. Presently I am reading Herman Hesse. If you get a chance, read all of his work.

Do you think that you will be happier as a writer or as a stand up comic?

A writer... that gets paid to make public appearances. Does that count?

If you are asked to or were offered a ton of money, would you move?

Yes. I love it here, I really do, but there is so much life out there that I haven't lived yet and I would love to give it a go.

Where will you sell the book?

On line, or you can mail me money... either way, some of you bitches had better buy it or I am shutting this fucking site down.

When is your birthday?

December 8th, 1972. Born in Kansas City, Missouri, United States of America. Jackson County. Research Hospital. I know what you are going to say, and yes, it's true.

Are you still dancing?

I dance at least twice a week, either in my home or en route to some fabulous locale in the surrounding area.

How is Heidi?

Thinner. Happier. Healthier in general. Taking lots of walks, eating better and hoping that ten isn't real the life expectancy of a Newfounland. ( she's nine )

Have you ever had a mullet?

Sort of, not really. Not a style that would be considered one, but it was shorter on top than it was in back. So, yes and no. I hear that they are popular again in New York.

Are you really that angry at your readers for the questions they ask?

Fuck you!

..no, not really. I just wanted to share the burden of answering questions with some of the more avid readers. Nobody replied to give the advice, isn't that funny? I guess the readership loves to watch the madness but not be a part of it. What do you people want from me? BLOOD???

What kinds of advice are people asking for?

More "how to" things. Starting blogs, stand up comedy, travel, sexual ones are good, but rare. Apparently my sexual prowess isn't as well known as it should be. I think I will post my credentials next. But mostly the people that ask for advice seem to be kidding around, or it feels like they are. I don't know, maybe their serious.

Has your heart been bothering you?

Not so much. I haven't been working out in the gym for the past two weeks, I hurt my wrist putting in fence posts and I can't really lift any weights. The cardio is still there, but I am enjoying the good food of summer tooooo much. Can you say, "Jamoaca Almond Fudge"? But the heart is good. It's still there, still beating and still black from cigarette smoke.

Would you ever consider being a full time teacher?

I think the idea has crossed my mind a few times, but I am not sure I would stand up to the moral scrutiny of it all. If you remember, I once posted a list of qualifications that a JOB had to have for me to do it. Teaching would never make the cut. I like to say, "fuck" too much.

What would you teach?

Sexual education, to wayward, juvenile deliquent teenage girls. Or sociology to nerds, for almost the same reason.

Where do you get the titles of your posts?

They show up before I start writing and they just get thrown up there. I don't really remember them too well. I try to be cute, but that has only worked a few times.

When are you going to do Comments of the weak again?

Uh, never. Comments and the interaction with my readership will end soon.

When are you going to do the requested writing again?

In a few months or when a good one comes along. I don't know.

Have you slept with Denise?

No, and I think it chaps her hide a bit.

You have recommended four blogs, which is your favorite?

I think thebrettmartin is the funniest. marcusmouse is the most relatable and mine is the easist to read. Blogs should be legible, too many people with black backgrouds, weird fonts and that kind of thing... brett martin is a human comedy. Marcus is a good mind. I can relate. And marcus let me sleep on his couch when i was in Calgary.

Do you think the book will sell well?

No, not really. I can see sinking all this time and money into this and watching you people just let me lose my ass on this because you have all read it before. If I have to make a move to change the next one. i will stop posting and just sell the book periodically to people who enjoy the work.

You don't seem very chatty in person, are you shy?

No. I just don't have a lot to say to certain people. I have had the same conversation over and over again and I try to avoid having to have it again. Sorry to all of you that want me to be more chatty, but I am waiting for something new and fun. Old conversation makes me want to kill children and old women.

Would you take up arms against Canada?

Right now? No. Unless you know something.... ...give me a sec... I'll get my gun.

If you are referring to a war between the US and Canada. It would have to be a pretty good fucking reason. Otherwise I would have to say, "yes". No matter how much I love Canada. I am American first. And we rock! Fuck Canada. There is so much gravy in their veins, we could eat them for lunch in under an hour. It's not even a war! It's practice for when we decide to go to war with the Federation of retarded people with gimp legs and Cerebral Palsey. They are cowards!!!!! And we shall smoot them.

Are you depressed?

Not any more than your average deep thinker, smart-ass, horny, retired nympho would be if he found himself in a small town writing a blog every day to keep the readers of it from killing him. Did you know I have death threats from this fucking thing? I have people that say they want to come here and fuck me. No, none of you get to come here. None. Am I depressed? No, not yet.

Boxers or briefs?

You people scare me......

Send your questions to me, care of me, for me to answer. I will answer them if they are relevent and/or funny.