fraility

There are times in my life when I wonder what life would have been like had certain conditions in my past been different. I wonder what could have happened, or what I might be like. I think of what I might be doing now and if there is something that I could live without. Would I have smoked? Would I be taller? Would I have been married with children? Would I have been a banker or a pilot? You can carry on like this for years and sometimes it feels like I do.

It depresses you or maybe it's a sign of depression when you just think about it in the first place. Why would you want things to be so different? Isn't the life you have now worthy of your appreciation? The fact that you are alive to even think about it says that it wasn't as bad as you think it is. If you had turned right, then you would have never seen what was to the left and then you would have always wondered.

I think that we dwell on "what if's" as a sort of reverse hope or fantasy. We think of ourselves as better people with better lives and we can actually see the life we should be living instead of actually embracing the one we have. We like to mope about and blame certain occurrences, deficientcies, bad genetics, bad luck or lack of opportunity on all of our problems. Some of that may be true, but the ability to see what it could be means that only you are keeping that life from being a reality. In the immortal words of Dr. Frankenfurther, "don't dream it, be it."

For me, I don't always have to dream about what if's. I have a family that loves to remind me of the what if's and what could have beens. I think anyone that comes from a position of constant badgering is driven to doubt their happiness as to whether or not it's real or just a lie that we convince ourselves of to accommodate the badgering. It gets too me and I am not always sure what I should do. There are others out there with worse parents than mine and I use that as a life preserver when I let their bullshit get to me.

The worse part is that there is really no one out there to talk to about it. There are kind words and friendly faces, but that's all they can be. Fighting with yourself over issues that are the very foundation of "YOU" is very private business. Ultimately you either kill yourself or you find a peace within the eye of the storm. I am two-thirds of the way to peace. With a few minor steps, I think I will be just fine having never had the life I think others wanted for me, expected of me, or expects of me now.

For the rest of you that would think that your life is so hectic, confusing, depressing, unexciting or dull, I suggest you accentuate the positives and accept that which you are not. For example, you can read. You can think. You can speak... maybe. You ARE NOT living in a mud hut that smells of goat ass. You ARE NOT infested with intestinal parasites that are slowing eating you from the inside. You ARE NOT being shot at every day.

It's very satisfying to feel sorry for ourselves. It's hard to accept that being alive is ever enough. It's also easy to miss the point.