chow yung fat is cool like that

A good kung fu movie can send you to heaven. As a child, kung fu movies were played late at night on the little network that seem to only play old movies. It played the Tarzan, the old war films, the westerns, the classics, some serials and then, late at night, just for the kids who were stealing some time after lights out... kung fu. I remember watching those movies and thinking that Asian people spoke that way and that there was no other language in the world but english, but that other countries just spoke it differently than we did.

The fighting is the reason you watch the movies. Every fight was the same, but it was always worth while. It starts with an accident. Someone does something wrong and as a consequence, someone dies or something is broken. The resulting action is what the movie is all about. Either the hero has to learn kung fu by balancing water on his head while an old man hits him with a stick or the hero is a mystery man who is in town to clean some shit up after finding his soft side in the eyes of a small curious child or sexy local girl. Either way, something bad always bad happens to them that kicks our hero into high, "kill em all" gear.

Fights are as follows..

There is a dramatic stare. Then a brief dash to face off. Then a pregnant pause. Then flying. Then fire. Then a sandal hits someone in the mouth and swords or some other weapons are drawn. More staring. Then more flying. Then some makes a misstep, or the ghostly, disembodied voice of the old man who was hitting people with sticks can be heard, and then some one dies.

The sound effects are brilliant and make you think that your body should make these "SHOONT" and "SLAAAAK!" noises when you move.

I was so impressed with kung fu movies that I wanted to learn it. I think that is what a kung fu movie really is. An advertisement. It worked. Millions of people have taken karate or kung fu courses, some people have taken them for years. Those are my favorite people because they walk around like they know that if shit went down, they could kick your ass. Or maybe those people have some kind of mental disorder that makes them think we are going to be overrun with ninjas in the near future and they want to be prepared. Maybe they scoff at us for not being ready. Ironically, it's these, "I have taken four years of Karate and have two black belts" people that get their asses kicked on a regular basis from some drunk in a bar with some real time fighting experience under his belt.

For those of you who have never fought, they don't last long. It's over quickly, not because the issue gets resolved or because someone gets knocked out, but because the combatants get pretty fucking tired pretty quickly. It's tiresome stuff. If you have never hit someone before and want to know what it's like, make a fist and punch the ground as hard as you can. It helps if there are some rocks in the dirt to act as bones. Hit it for thirty seconds at full power and see how tired you get.

Fights start off good, then end in a dull, death dance of circling before a bystander gets bored and drags his or her favorite opponent away for some water balancing and stick hitting training.

Here are some valuable tips for a quick end to a fight.

1. A gun shot to the body. Usually one should do. Lethal ones are best, but carry a stiff penalty if someone sees you and rats you out. BUT, the gun does have more bullets in it.

2. If no gun, then a heavy object, a knife or a vehicle works well. Same rules from 1 apply.

3. Running really fast.

4. If no weapon and you can't run. Aim for the throat, the knee, the crotch or the ear. These areas don't hurt you as much as them and they can end it pretty quickly. Need proof, hit yourself in the throat lightly and see how it feels.

5. Running really fast.

6. Grab hair at top of head and pull down quickly. Lowering the opponents head, then strike face with knee. It's going to hurt your knee, but it ends the fight.

7. Blame someone else and the join your assailant in beating the pulp out of the new victim.

I hope these little hints help you in your next fight. Enjoy your kung fu.