horse apples

It's a horrible world and it's filled with horrible people. All men are assholes and all they want is one thing. Why is it so hard to find a good man? Whatever happened to Prince Charming on his white horse? Where have all the good men gone?

This is the sad refrain of the single woman trying to find a decent man. I'm not sure what she wants from the decent man, but she seems to whine about not having one all the time. What's so special about a decent man? And what makes you sure you deserve one? Do you feel bad about letting indecent men hump you all the time? Is it that you're mad at yourself for lifting your skirt up for men that - YOU KNEW - in the beginning were pieces of shit? Are you mad at yourself for getting suckered again? Do you think that men come in several catagories of decency and that you just find the ones on the wrong end of the spectrum?

I don't know what the ladies are really whining about, but I do know that they really, really want this Prince Charming dude and they want him BAD! With that in mind, I would like to address this issue. Ladies, let's take a break from your daily daydreaming to fantasize with me a bit. This isn't hard to do, just take a deep breath and read on....

PRINCE CHARMING.

You're in a horrible world. You have to slave all day for what little creature comforts you have. You work in bile and shit and you smell awful. Your body aches from all the manual labor that is required of you. You have been beaten down emotionally so many times that you are just a shell of what you used to be. You are so unsatisfied with your world that you don't even know what to think about when you're alone in your cell, laying in your cot, covered in filth and bugs, trying to dream about a better life.

But somewhere in all that misery IS a dream. There's a man. A real man. Unlike any man you have ever seen. This man is clean. And he smells good. And he's a prince. And he's charming. And he's kind and gentle and thoughtful and cares about you and all those memories and thoughts you have. This Prince will TAKE YOU AWAY from all this misery and strife. He will make your world a better place to live. He will give you the comfort and the pleasure that you deserve. He will shower you with praise. It will be perfect.

He will ride into your prison on his white stallion and he will be dressed in white that is so pure it will radiate goodness. He will have his sword drawn and he will slay all those men that tricked you and lied to you. Then, still perfectly clean from all of the carnage, he will stretch out his hand and pull you up on his horse and the two of you will ride away into your perfect future. He will smell delicious.

That's the dream. (sort of)

SO... Let's address some key components of this dream.

One. If you're a woman that is slaving away in shit all day, then you smell like shit and look like shit and that is rarely attractive to men. Especially rich ones that are concerned with their cleanliness.

Two. Have you ever ridden on the back of a horse? It's not the most comfy spot to sit for hours. It's like sitting on pointy rock. And if the horse is running at all, then you're in for some serious anxiety. HOLD ON TIGHT! And, if this is Prince Charming, he doesn't live in your neighborhood and that is a loooooong ride to his house. The good news, your legs will be naturally spread apart for later.

Three. Why does he ride a horse???? What kind of weirdo rides a horse in this day and age? Sounds like a cowboy thing to me. Isn't he worried about a car or truck hitting his horse? I hope you like "git er done" jokes...

Four. Who do you think is going to shovel all that horse shit? Well, you do have the experience. You didn't think he really wanted to hear about your friends and your childhood dance lessons, did you? (no guy wants to hear about that, please stop)

Five. Did I mention that he killed a lot of people with a sword? He's a madman. A killer. And you want to simply ride away with this man. He's trying to flee the scene of a crime, ON A HORSE, and you're on the back of that horse, hugging him like he's a walking orgasm machine. Did you ever stop to think that he just took you hostage? Do you think the cops are really going to buy your story? Look at you, you're a stinky mess. And what if the cop that stops you is that married guy you were seeing, who stalked you when it was over? You're screwed.

Six. Who wears all white? Popes. And they ride in Jeeps, don't hump at all, and as far as I can tell... Have other people do their killing for them. SO this Prince of yours is a wanna be Pope. A Pope impersonator. ON A HORSE, no less. He has a weird religious thing and that can only mean blood sacrfice.

Seven. Prince of where? Of what? Does this mean you want to be a Princess and then be responsible for the well being of an entire country? You can't take care of yourself, what makes you think you can fix the country's problems? AND... AND... AND if your life sucked so bad, then why are you riding off with the man who's policies made your life so miserable in the first place? Isn't that "Prince" of yours the root of your original problems? Perhaps he isn't as perfect as you thought, eh? Apparently he isn't smart enough to get rid of poverty or to bring harmony to his own people, I'm sure your "two different world" relationship is going to be just perfect. (as long as you know that the country comes first, then his weird wearing white and slaying people thing, then his love for you). We have those types of politicians running our little country. They're greedy little bastards. There's a good chance your Prince is a puppet ruler for the George Bush/Dick Cheney syndicate. Your boy is a bitch.(make sure he doesn't going hunting with Cheney)

Eight. How sad are you that a man has to save you from your life? What a sad sack of shit you are. What does this Prince see in you anyway? You better have great tits and put out on the first date. Well... If he rode in on a horse... You're putting out.Those horses are expensive. And if the horse doesn't impress you, then he should find a cheap hooker that will be impressed.

Nine. Are you in the habit of just riding away with strangers? What do you really know about this "Prince"? Are you worried that if you don't get along he can have you imprisoned or beheaded? What if he is just taking you to an altar to be a sacrfice for his "god". You thought your judgement was wrong about all those one night stands you had last summer, well... Are you in for a surprise.

Ten. How are you going to fit in with his friends? Or his family? Do you think his family is really going to appreciate a common woman gracing their dinner table? Don't you think that his family will see you as a "fling" or a "phase" that their weird son is into at the moment? Do you even know what that fourth fork is used for or when to use it?

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Now that we have looked at Prince Charming. I think it's only fair that we look at the male fantasy and see how it compares.

SHE LET ME.

The male fantasy involves reality. We hold no illusion of another life or a far off land. We think of right now, what we can see. Our dream girl. Our Princess Charming... She's standing in line in front of us at the bank. She's in the blue car in the next lane over. She's the bartender. She's the group of five girls eating lunch at the table next to us. Yes, even the married one that is kinda chubby.

Her dream quality that makes her the fantasy... She looks at us. She comes over. She takes our hand and fucks us somewhere nearby within two minutes of seeing us. After the wild sex, she goes back to her life, and we go back to ours. We have her number, and call can her whenever we want too. She doesn't have our number. Or our name.

That's it. Dream over. Dream girl story done.

Male fantasies are not in another world, they are here today. She is every semi-attractive woman we see and we would screw if given the chance. That's it.

Analyze these two dreams anyway you want. They are both true in their own way. It may not be so true for "you" the reader. But in some small way - it is the root of your dream.

With these two types of people on the planet, how are we ever going to get together?

The trick... Men - buy horses, slay bad guys and get the girl. Women - just put out.