inspirational calendar

I know that many of us suffer from various mental disorders and I will be the first to admit that I am not really sympathetic to those people. I understand that it makes them happy to admit to having them. For some reason, the idiots feel that being able to blame a mental defect for their problems makes everything okay. If they create some mental-math equation to explain why they pee their pants whenever they see a plate of spaghetti, then they don't have to apologize or take responsibility for peeing on themselves in public. Okay, if it makes my time with them go by faster, then I am willing to accept their claim. Their defect is mental, but their equation needs some work. It looks like they multiplied when they should have divided... I guess.

---For all that I lack in empathy, I make up for it with humor. I AM willing to humor the idiots if it gets me out of the conversation with them faster.

Nothing is my fault. The fault of everything I am lies in the details of my past. The fault of today lies in the missteps of my past. The burdens of a healthy future come from a past that is riddled with my shortcomings. GIVE ME SOMETHING TO KILL THE PAIN OF MAKING ALL THESE MISTAKES!!!!

---Medicate the lesson that I am supposed to learn so I won't learn from it. I would rather hide from it than learn to grow from it. Lessons are too hard, the price is too high, and the cowardice that brought me to this point needs to be cultivated to a fine art so that I might continue to blame others for my cowardly and regrettful behavior.

It's for these people that laws have to be written. It's for these people that curfews have to be established. It's for these people that shiny commercials are made. It's for these people that Meg Ryan movies get green-lighted. It's for these people that inspirational calendars are made....

...yup...

Where does all this come from, you ask???

I have to pee really, really badly. I'm driving to a gig and I'm in a hurry, so it takes me two hours before I can find a suitable bathroom(by suitable I mean clean). I pulled off the highway at a rather obscure exit that was poorly marked but I recognize the symbol for potty, so I am past the point of caring what the potty looks or smells like. Generally I look for densely populated exits which means more bathroom options should my first one not pan out. Sadly, this exit has only one, tiny gas station.

The gas station is a little hokey, it's filled with local jams, brass art, pictures of old farmers dispelling "down home wisdom", and gag gifts. I'm used to this scene, so I'm not impressed. The potty, however, has something new for me. Above the potty, hangs a calendar. Again, it's nothing new to see something above a potty, men's bathrooms are filled with ads that hang at eye-level for the captive audience to peruse. It's open to February. The photo above the dates is of a lighthouse standing strong on a cliff. It is being assaulted by massive waves from an angry sea. A beam of light that seems like it comes from the sun, is shining through the tempest out into the ocean. Written in bold letters just below the crest of the wave... "THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY".

I flipped through the rest of the calendar and took in some more of it's catchy little prozac/zanax wisdom, but before I could fully appreciate it, I had a personal habit that I had to take care of. I wasn't able to fully digest the strength of the words in front of me because the utter ecstasy I was feeling from my bladder was too overwhelming. It wasn't until I was another ten miles down the road that the power of what I had just experienced started to sink in.

There are all kinds of drugs you can take for mental disorders. There are drugs that if you touch them with your bare skin, they will begin to take effect immediately. There are drugs that take hours, if not days to take effect. But a calendar... That takes a whole month before you allowed to get another dose of happiness and inspiration. Apparently the words of that calendar (along with the imagery) are so potent, you can only handle one shot a month OR it takes a whole month for the people that buy these calendars, to figure out what the words mean(and how they correlate to the imagery).

Calendars are one item in a Walmart sized warehouse of junk, that these people use to soothe their pain. It's hard for people that are above this crap to stomach it, but sadly, we are a fewer and fewer in number these days. The cowards of the world out number the stout of heart. This means more calendars, more dribble and more messy pants in Italian restaurants. Other notable items that bring about this same bitter feeling in my heart when I see them; RNC membership cards, Thomas Kincaid artwork, Precious moments paraphernelia, reality television... The list is endless.

I just want to pee in peace. I just want to be able to live life without feeling that I have to be careful about everything I do so I don't disrupt some poor mental reject's day. Is it fair to ask others to walk on egg shells so that the nut jobs don't panic and run out of the room hysterical? NO. Then why do I have to live in a world that is so structured around keeping them calm?

Eventually what will happen.. The nut jobs will drive the rest of the sane people crazy and then we will all be fucking nuts and THAT'S when the gods will come to earth and say, "We are here, my children! We are here to take you - Excuse me. Are you peeing on that man's plate of spaghetti? Oh! Oh! That's nasty... Fuck these weirdos. No. Let's leave 'em here, I don't want to see this...."