men at thirty percent
The door has officially opened in to October and the big three holidays are standing in the foyer like bouncers at a rave. It's sad that three of the greatest months of the year have to be tainted with the emotional and mental abuse of required holiday participation. You can skip Halloween and just stay at home, sitting in the dark, not moving, hoping that children don't come by to bother you, praying that they don't "trick" your house. Sure, you can phone in the family Thanksgiving meal or find excuses for not making it to your friend's house. There always seems to be a sudden attack of bird flu right around the Thanksgiving holiday. You can also claim, "other plans" that you made in March. Those holidays are easy to avoid if you have a smidgen of patience and can waste a day, but Christmas... You can't hide from Christmas. It's evil. It's not like it's one-day, holiday cousins, no, Christmas can take up three whole months and no one has that much patience in them. No matter how hard you try, you can avoid the constant stream of Christmas music being pumped into your world from every direction, Christmas specials on TV, Christmas "cheer" found in the faces of notoriously mean people, Christmas decorations found on every available inch of free space, Christmas shopping for people you can't stand, Christmas reminders such as "tis the season for giving" and "peace on earth" which make you feel like shit for not being a more giving individual year round and finally Christmas cards, which are responsible for the death of more trees each year than the zig zag community and the high school pep club banner making society combined. It's just too much. It will get you.
Most of us that have made it past 25 know that there is no Santa. Not everyone, but most of us. The very notion that there isn't some lazy, fat Inuit that only works one day a year from his frosty perch seems to send most of us over the edge and we become very bitter bloggers. Our bitterness is found not in the loss of childhood fantasy, but in the fact that someone will now be required to buy all those gifts and it may have to be us. If you're a shopping fool, this is probably not that big of a burden and you probably enjoy the responsibility, but if you are a man, you hate it, period. (there are exceptions to this, but not many)
It has been discussed ad nauseam, it has been joked about, sung about, complaints have been made, questions are asked, interventions performed.. Men are just not shoppers in the true sense of the word. It's not that we don't like new things, we just don't particularly like to buy new things for other people. (unless we benefit from it in some way - think lingerie, cable television subscriptions, etc) This genetic deficiency, as it has been described to me by more than one woman, is a great source of friction between the sexes and I think it's time that I step up and let you ladies in on secret number #9093-G of the male handbook and other information that might help you in this holiday shopping season.
#9093-G states: In order for a male to shop there needs to be a two major steps taken to insure his participation. One, there must be a valid reason for the purchase as a functional, reasonable acquisition to the overall well being of the male or Two, it must serve to appease inner desires that the male carries with him that may, or MAY NOT, have a functional purpose but will undoubtedly serve the overall well being.
So, if you are trying to get a male to shop this holiday season, it's best to let him know what the purchases are for BEFORE you head out to the stores. Men are not the "gatherer" part of the hunter-gatherer stereotype. Men do not like to "shop around". Hunters like to see what they like, kill, eat, sleep... Burp... All is well. Gatherers are people that have time. They like to look things over and contemplate their effectiveness, their cuteness and their compatibility with other gathered items already in the gatherer's possession. Gatherers can be picky, choosy and may not gather anything at all. If they see a bush filled with berries, they might pick the best berries on the bush and discard the rest or just pass by the bush and come back some other time. As a hunter, you take what you can get. Again, see it, kill it, eat it, whether it looks good with the curtains or not.
The very idea that you might get a man to stand idly by and give you his opinion on the clothes you are "just looking at" or trying on, is very scary to the male. He knows that a wrong opinion will come back to haunt him. We are not wired to say the wrong thing, even though there is evidence to the contrary. What he sees in his head are clothes that you already own. He sees shoes that look like your other pair of shoes. Sure these are brown and the ones you have at home are blue, but to him, their the same pair of shoes. You ask him what he thinks, I'll tell you what he's thinking, " See shoe - kill - eat!"
Shopping for others is an even deeper emotional burden for a man. If you are shopping for a present for a mutual friend or friends, his opinion will again fall under the direction of "is this functional or cool?" while yours may fall into, "would they like it or need it?" They sound like the same question, but they are oceans apart in meaning. Men would rather buy a shovel or beer for a friend where a woman might want to buy a throw rug to match their friend's living room scheme or a candle.
To train your man. To insure that he will shop with you. Remember this. Don't take him. END OF STORY. He's hunting. You're gathering. He's stalking, ready to prounce at any second. You're patient and willing to let something ripen a bit more before harvesting it. If you want to get your man through the shop door, make a strong, easy to follow list of things for him to buy and then send him on his way, alone. Don't follow. Nothing good can become of it if you do. If you value that man, leave him be. Otherwise it's fights and break-ups over shopping tactics. When you do have to venture out together, do not ask his opinion of what you are interested in, hunters do not understand what you are trying to accomplish or why you are interested in it. Rule of thumb here; if you like it and it makes you feel good, he likes it. You don't like it, he likes it. You hate it, he likes it. He likes everything, why? Because he has no educated opinion on what the hell you are asking him and it's best to be consistent and be right some of the time.
Buying for him? Not a good idea. Do not buy him clothes that you think he will look good in. Do not make him something unless you have a talent in that skill. Do not buy him something for his skin, hair, feet, crotch, teeth, nose hair, ear hair or waist line. Do not buy him male lingerie. Do not buy him a gift that is really for you that you claim is for him. Do not buy him something that is beyond his mental capabilities to run, repair, construct, or explain to a repair man on the phone.
DO buy him gadgets. Simple junk; pocket knives, a watch, a tire pressure gauge or a tool box. He may never use it what you buy him, but for a brief moment, he thinks he will and that will be the best feeling that the two of you can share. You will feel like you nailed it and he will feel like you really understand what he likes. You made his head swell. So, again, buy him a tent. Buy him a Coleman stove. Buy him a Key chain that has a tiny flashlight and his initial engraved on it. That is the kind of stuff that appeals to the non-shopping type male. Easy, trivial, found in one spot in any department store junk pile. There is usually an end-cap of these items found in any Wal-mart like shop.
The season is truly upon us and the time for getting pale, fat and greedy is here. Gone are nicely shaved, tanned legs. Gone are tee shirts and shorts. Hopefully, gone will be the fucking flip flops that I can't stand. And arriving soon are long, warm nights under the covers. Soup. Snow and the blessed arrival of January.
Most of us that have made it past 25 know that there is no Santa. Not everyone, but most of us. The very notion that there isn't some lazy, fat Inuit that only works one day a year from his frosty perch seems to send most of us over the edge and we become very bitter bloggers. Our bitterness is found not in the loss of childhood fantasy, but in the fact that someone will now be required to buy all those gifts and it may have to be us. If you're a shopping fool, this is probably not that big of a burden and you probably enjoy the responsibility, but if you are a man, you hate it, period. (there are exceptions to this, but not many)
It has been discussed ad nauseam, it has been joked about, sung about, complaints have been made, questions are asked, interventions performed.. Men are just not shoppers in the true sense of the word. It's not that we don't like new things, we just don't particularly like to buy new things for other people. (unless we benefit from it in some way - think lingerie, cable television subscriptions, etc) This genetic deficiency, as it has been described to me by more than one woman, is a great source of friction between the sexes and I think it's time that I step up and let you ladies in on secret number #9093-G of the male handbook and other information that might help you in this holiday shopping season.
#9093-G states: In order for a male to shop there needs to be a two major steps taken to insure his participation. One, there must be a valid reason for the purchase as a functional, reasonable acquisition to the overall well being of the male or Two, it must serve to appease inner desires that the male carries with him that may, or MAY NOT, have a functional purpose but will undoubtedly serve the overall well being.
So, if you are trying to get a male to shop this holiday season, it's best to let him know what the purchases are for BEFORE you head out to the stores. Men are not the "gatherer" part of the hunter-gatherer stereotype. Men do not like to "shop around". Hunters like to see what they like, kill, eat, sleep... Burp... All is well. Gatherers are people that have time. They like to look things over and contemplate their effectiveness, their cuteness and their compatibility with other gathered items already in the gatherer's possession. Gatherers can be picky, choosy and may not gather anything at all. If they see a bush filled with berries, they might pick the best berries on the bush and discard the rest or just pass by the bush and come back some other time. As a hunter, you take what you can get. Again, see it, kill it, eat it, whether it looks good with the curtains or not.
The very idea that you might get a man to stand idly by and give you his opinion on the clothes you are "just looking at" or trying on, is very scary to the male. He knows that a wrong opinion will come back to haunt him. We are not wired to say the wrong thing, even though there is evidence to the contrary. What he sees in his head are clothes that you already own. He sees shoes that look like your other pair of shoes. Sure these are brown and the ones you have at home are blue, but to him, their the same pair of shoes. You ask him what he thinks, I'll tell you what he's thinking, " See shoe - kill - eat!"
Shopping for others is an even deeper emotional burden for a man. If you are shopping for a present for a mutual friend or friends, his opinion will again fall under the direction of "is this functional or cool?" while yours may fall into, "would they like it or need it?" They sound like the same question, but they are oceans apart in meaning. Men would rather buy a shovel or beer for a friend where a woman might want to buy a throw rug to match their friend's living room scheme or a candle.
To train your man. To insure that he will shop with you. Remember this. Don't take him. END OF STORY. He's hunting. You're gathering. He's stalking, ready to prounce at any second. You're patient and willing to let something ripen a bit more before harvesting it. If you want to get your man through the shop door, make a strong, easy to follow list of things for him to buy and then send him on his way, alone. Don't follow. Nothing good can become of it if you do. If you value that man, leave him be. Otherwise it's fights and break-ups over shopping tactics. When you do have to venture out together, do not ask his opinion of what you are interested in, hunters do not understand what you are trying to accomplish or why you are interested in it. Rule of thumb here; if you like it and it makes you feel good, he likes it. You don't like it, he likes it. You hate it, he likes it. He likes everything, why? Because he has no educated opinion on what the hell you are asking him and it's best to be consistent and be right some of the time.
Buying for him? Not a good idea. Do not buy him clothes that you think he will look good in. Do not make him something unless you have a talent in that skill. Do not buy him something for his skin, hair, feet, crotch, teeth, nose hair, ear hair or waist line. Do not buy him male lingerie. Do not buy him a gift that is really for you that you claim is for him. Do not buy him something that is beyond his mental capabilities to run, repair, construct, or explain to a repair man on the phone.
DO buy him gadgets. Simple junk; pocket knives, a watch, a tire pressure gauge or a tool box. He may never use it what you buy him, but for a brief moment, he thinks he will and that will be the best feeling that the two of you can share. You will feel like you nailed it and he will feel like you really understand what he likes. You made his head swell. So, again, buy him a tent. Buy him a Coleman stove. Buy him a Key chain that has a tiny flashlight and his initial engraved on it. That is the kind of stuff that appeals to the non-shopping type male. Easy, trivial, found in one spot in any department store junk pile. There is usually an end-cap of these items found in any Wal-mart like shop.
The season is truly upon us and the time for getting pale, fat and greedy is here. Gone are nicely shaved, tanned legs. Gone are tee shirts and shorts. Hopefully, gone will be the fucking flip flops that I can't stand. And arriving soon are long, warm nights under the covers. Soup. Snow and the blessed arrival of January.
posted by Daniel Loomis | 12:47 PM
<< Home