jar of jellybeans

There are many things that spring brings that allow us to enjoy it: Flowers, warm weather, longer days, good art house films, a sense of "frolic", outdoor BBQing, coatless afternoons and the return of iced coffee drinks. But for all that joy, there is a side of spring that lingers heavy in the air like the body odor of a 75 year old wino...

Religion.

There is just something about Spring that makes everyone start asking some real serious questions about the world. Perhaps it's the return to optimism that spring brings with it. (keep in mind that optimism will be gone when the temps hit 103 in May) Perhaps it's the return of childhood smells like grass and wet cement that trigger our sentimental side and that pulls on deeper parts of our soul that are attached to the "why are we here" questions. Or, it could be that spring officially begins with a holiday that is super duper religious in context.

Easter.

Easter: when we celebrate the death of our lord and savior - the Easter bunny - who was crucified so that we sinners could go to heaven. If you were not aware of the history of the holiday I shall share it with you now - When dying on the cross, the holy bunny shat himself. Why? Cause being executed is scary and he had to go!!! Well, the "egg like" shat, rolled down Calvary hill and landed behind some rocks. The apostles sought out the holy shit and gathered it in baskets filled with grass.( The shat was delicate and it needed to be treated with care) Why gather shat? To sell it to raise money for ministries abroad. A tradition that continues to this very day. It's only after they found the last of the holy crap, that our lord and savior, Easter T. Bunny, died. There was much sadness. Everyone went home and felt very self-destructive. Being Jews, they choose the simplest and least damaging self-destructive behavior they could think of - they ate pig. A tradition we continue to this day. To really stick it to ourselves, we glaze that sucker and add clove. Cause we were naughty.

It was decided that this event in history should be recreated every year in commemoration of the mighty bunny's ultimate sacrifice. The eggs and marshmallow bunnies are all very, very holy in the eyes of Christians all over the world. In fact, it's even rumored that St. Peter will not let you into heaven until you have found a minimum number of eggs. Not enough and you're sent to hell to seek out holy eggs there, which is ridiculous, cause they're chocolate and would have melted by now and there are so many other people down there looking, they have found every egg there, so by the time you get there, your shit out of luck.

Even the holy baskets carried by the apostles are considered a sign of devotion. If you ever wondered why the baskets are made from such cheap material, well, the apostles didn't have baskets handy at the time and had to make some quick dried reed baskets, which we try to recreate down to the very texture, each year.

The pastel colors are a part of the ceremony as well - they represent the visions that the apostles saw when they got a little "buzzed" from drinking the dead bunny savior's blood. Drinking someone's blood is considered a religious rite that only the holiest members of the church can participate in. Only high priests can drink it and still do. Apostle Dracula is rarely spoken of, but he's still around.

Anyway. It would seem that 1st John dared 2nd Matthew that he couldn't eat one of the holy eggs. And Matthew, not wanting to look cowardly in front of the 1st Mark and 1st Luke, gave it. And WOO, did Matt see some shit! This tradition is also reserved for only the highest in the church.

Back to Matt...

He wrote down what he saw and the others were so jealous of 2nd Matthew's visions that they ate an egg or two and they saw some shit too. Crazy shit! Weird shit! Holy shit! That's some good shit!

Everyone wrote down what they saw and somehow, Mary got a hold of these stories and told some of her friends, who told their friends, who told others. It got to the point that everyone wanted to hear what was in those stories, so copies were made and handed out. Some people lived way, way out in the suburbs and letters had to be written to them. Suburbs like Corinthia, Ephesia, Galatia, Phillipia, and Fox Run.

Today, Christians celebrate their most sacred holiday almost exactly, but not quite, the same way it happened in a spring, 1,973 years ago. It's that "not quite" part that gets to me and it's the reason that I said Religion was such a dark spot on the spring time.

Religions are a complex systems of rules and regulations that affect a given outcome depending on what factors and variables are used. However, unlike MATH(the ultimate religion in the universe) you can alter your variables to accommodate your needs and not affect the outcome. You can redefine the rules and regulations at any time. Religious zealots look just like amateur lawyers that love to argue the wording of a contract to find little loopholes, that, when found, outrageously exploit them for their own good.

Religion is just a jar of jellybeans to most people. You want one, or two, or a whole bunch at a time! If you have jelly bean knowledge, you know that you can only enjoy them, one flavor at a time, so you pick your favorite flavor and eat just those. If you don't know this, you'll find out real quick. Grab what you like, THAT DAY, exclude the rest from your booty and only eat the ones you want. The sugar high will make you think you see pastels.

It's spring time, the bunnies are doing what bunnies do. Blessed by the gods for their earlier sacrifice, they were given one wish. Guess what they asked to be able to do all the time? They do it without shame, rules, porn, make-up or courtships. They simply do it. In the meantime, we, the master species jog through the park nearby so we can do what they are doing... hopefully.

Thank you Easter Bunny.