guest writer - jill jorgensen of idaho

Retarded.   What does that mean?   Well to begin with it means an IQ or
less than 70.   Schools do not use retarded anymore because it is fucking
offensive.  Instead they use Developmentally Delayed.   This makes it
sound like that what the problem is lag time.  That if a person didn’t learn
how to read past a 2nd grade level that they will catch up.   If not
learning how to read because you were a little turd in second grade and set
around whittling on crayons and designing your own secret city and were too
busy with your other interests to read then that little turd might in fact
grow up to be an evil genius.  If the person didn’t learn to read because
lets say because they were not able to read past first grade level that is
different.

What is retarded really?  It is a pattern of persistently slow learning
of basic motor and language skills and a significantly below-normal global
intellectual capacity as an adult. One common criterion for diagnosis
of mental retardation is a tested intelligence quotient (IQ) below 70.

That works for me, but in the everlasting glow of political correctness
we re-name in the hopes of making something less painful.  Guess what
being stupid is painful!  And calling it a different name that implies it is
a temporary does not help.

So to celebrate retards and the Oscars I have made a list of great
moments in Retarded Cinema.

The first big movie to delve into the world of the retarded was Charly
based loosely on Flowers for Algernon

This was one of those lesson movies about being kind to retards, the
hazards of science, and one truly ill conceived motorcycle scene.   This is a
bad movie and has held up like cheap paper towel
that has been used to pick up after Aunt Myrtle’s St. Bernard.   It
reeks and to add to the ultimate insult Cliff Robertson, a mediocre actor at
best won an Academy Award for best actor.   They other nominated that year
were Alan Arkin in The Heart is a Lonely Hunter
Alan Bates in The Fixer Ron Moody in Oliver!
Peter O'Toole in The Lion in Winter

Obviously, the winner should have been Peter O’ Toole for Lion in
Winter, a movie that has held and the only man I find fuckable in the list.
Okay, Alan Bates is a maybe.

This was the beginning of what I refer to as the Retard Factor.  The
idea it is hard and noble to act like a retard on screen.  This was followed by
many modern actors winning Oscars for playing as is they have IQ’s of 70.

Daniel Day Lewis–My Left Foot.  Okay maybe he wasn’t retarded, but he
was fucked up.
Dustin Hoffman– Rain Man Again a retard and he bet out Gene Hackman,
Tom Hanks, Edward James Olmos, Max von Sydow
Do not Worry Tom Hanks learned the trick and won his second Oscar for
being the Retard in Forest Gump his first Oscar was won for being gay and
dying a trick he learned from none other thanWilliam Hurt–Kiss of the Spider
Woman,
okay maybe he wasn’t retarded but is was an odd ball choice nonetheless
and being Gay turned out to be almost as much of a shoe in as being
retarded. Charlize Theron–Monster, but she also gained weight in the Raging Bull
tradition of Robert DeNiro. Geoffrey Rush–Shine.  The only thing he had going
for him was being retarded or fucked up there was something wrong with him.
Same thing Roberto Benigni– Life is Beautiful.  Well, maybe being retarded in real
life doesn’t count, but it should. 2001 was a banner year as Russell Crowe was
nominated for A Beautiful Mind for being fucked up and Sean Penn for being a balls
to the wall retard, neither won.

What baffles is that any first grader can act retarded.  It is the easiest
way to get laughs ever.  So way the Academy thinks it is such a big
deal is beyond me and the second easiest way to get laughs is to act gay.
Neither are a stretch.   Now Peter O’Toole deserved an Oscar for everyone of
his performances that were nominated, Montgomery Clift, Cary Grant (can
anybody do the movies Cary Grant did but him?)