passing like the wind

I am packed, racked and fully prepared for my trip to Europe. I have worked for weeks on travel arrangements and housing and I think I have it all figured out. I have put together tours in my head, of places to see and in which order and I want to make a reality out of as much of it as possible while on the white meat continent. To be safe, I figured out where I knew I didn't want to go, that way it couldn't distract me while on my Griswald-esque tour. I know where I am not going just was well as where I am going. The list of "not on this trip" cities far outweighs the "three days and then get on the bus" cities, but that's just the way it goes sometimes. I have all my money issues figured out, so I figure I'm set.

I want to see the Tesla museum in Belgrade. The Works of Da Vanci in Florence. The Regal House of effective and effecient Christian slaughter in Rome. The Mona Lisa in Paris. The attic of Anne Frank in Amsterdam. The Waterloo of Napeleon in Waterloo. The Beer and Fetish dream land that is Germany. The musical majesty of Salzberg and Vienna. The Picasso home in Barcelona. Guernica. The works of art alone would be a four month trip. (This is why I watch PBS... to fill my heart with dreams and then watch them dashed by Delta Airlines. Damn you Sister Wendy!!!!)

I want to see it all. But I am not going to be in Europe long enough. Instead I get; Paris, Amsterdam, Frankfurt, Venice, Florence, Rome and all stops in between.... Okay, well I had to drop Paris because I couldn't find a way to get there from Frankfurt.... And that means no Amsterdam either... But I still have Venice, Florence and Rome. Well, not Venice. They wanted too much for the return ticket. But I am still in Frankfurt, Florence and Rome. Which means Da Vinci, Dead Christians and Perversion. I think I am going to love Europe. Guernica is overrated. Tesla has a musuem in Buffalo and I still have PBS.

Of course, before I head to Europe, I have to work on my Canadian accent a bit so I can mask my Americanness thus enabling safe passage through Italy. So I have three weeks of touring up in Canada to get proficient. There is nothing like prepping yourself for the largest festival of "culture" in the world by heading to Saskatoon to work on your "I'm sorry I'm American" monologue. By the time I get to the airport to head to the White meat continent, I should be so full of shame about being American, that I should be able to walk off the plane and not offend anyone at all. I should be able to take in the statue of David and not make any snarky comments like "he needs some MetRx" or "where's his dick?".

Again, I head to Canada during the Olympics. I don't know the Olympics in America. In fact, the last time I remember the Olympics on an American telvision, the Olympics were in Barecelona, or Seoul... (Where were they in 92?)

The most nationalistic moment in a country's life and I am always in Canada trying to make a Bronze medal country laugh. Not an easy task for someone with a Gold medal pedigree. Instead of actually telling jokes, I spend most of my time trying to convince them not to hurt me. (This sounds hard, but you can distract most Canadians with donuts or by asking them to recall the names of each Canadian Olympic Hockey player for the past twenty years. They love trivia and it should give you enough time to slip away, unscathed as they try to figure it out.)

I leave America in the capable hands of it's well educated, healthy, sexy exchange students to run in my abscence. During my drive, I have been advised that I need a tee shirt to sell, so if anyone has any good ideas for a tee shirt to sell... let me know.

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Final note: I enjoyed your emails about your best and worst days. If I get to a day with more time, I will make a post of just those... Please indicate if you want your name on it or not.