the caine-murray award
Each studio in Hollywood produces on average, 12 films a year. Of those twelve, three are super-hyped by the studio with a large multimedia ad campaign with the hopes that they can make back their 200 million dollar budget that they spent on the film, it has only happened once. (Titanic, other films have gained their money back in foreign markets and rentals, but those numbers do not count as successful in film terms) If the film fails to produce a large audience buzz, the film will flop after one week and it will rot on the vine along with the cast. (the only exception to this rule has been Ben Affleck, who continues to make money with no talent or hits to his name) Of those that create a buzz, only one out of five will be a success and of those, only one in fifty will be a memorable film that will stand the test of time or reinvent the film medium (Blade Runner, Fatal Attraction) Those are the odds stacked against you as you go to the movies. The studios know that the odds are stacked against them and they were willing to allow distributors to let their film play in a theater with films from competing studios in order to show that they had no doubt that their films were better than the other studios. Such bravado in an industry that is overrun with failure. Sadly, the audiences are made to suffer through forty shit films for every good one they see. If you add up the numbers, that is one good film every three years.
So there you stand. Your head turning from poster to poster, trying to figure out which film you want to spend ten bucks to see. Subconsciously you know that you are going to spend over 200 bucks a year on movies and you hope that one decision will be worth it. The great irony to this image is that the ten bucks you are about to spend is not supposed to be spent on the film, but the evening's entertainment and the overall experience of watching a film on the big screen. That was the way film was original presented to the general public. The studios spent less money on the films and more on the theaters that they played in. They knew that film needed to be an event from the moment you bought the ticket until you left. Nowadays, that entertainment concept is lost on the studios that will spend 250 million on a single film and you get to watch it in a room that only holds 50 people and is shown on a screen no bigger than a garage door. Going to the movies is supposed to be fun and exhilarating and, instead, you burn out before you walk in the door. When movies were three dollars or five dollars, it was easier to go watch a movie and tolerate the theaters and the mess. It didn't seem like that much of a loss if the movie sucked. I think the best part of the movie is walking through the doors of the theater and smelling the popcorn, finding a seat, seeing if it rocks back and forth, seeing if I can put up my feet comfortably, eating all of my M&M's before the trailers are over and waiting for that crackle and the simultaneous dimming of the lights that says, "showtime". The film, I could care less about. The ad that says, "no smoking, no talking and throw away your trash" takes away from my thrill and signals the end of my experience.
At ten bucks, we have become pickier about what we are willing to pay for, when we can buy the movie in a couple of months for less than the ticket price we pay to see it in the theater. We can watch it on cable, rent it or download it on the computer or just wait for regular television to play it without the curse words. (this is how I rank films. Screw stars or thumbs, I want to know when it's best to see a film. Theater, cable, rental, normal television, accidentally because it's in the middle of the night and there is nothing else on). The movie had better be pretty damn good for ten bucks. It had better be worthy of the big screen or otherwise you will opt for another entertainment option like live theater or casinos.
For every film that wows us, there are three or four dozen that make us question or judgment. However, there are some ways to save a lousy film and there are certain names to look in the cast that will guarantee that the film will be good as long as they are in it. These people are what I like to call, The Caine-Murray Award winners. Named after Micheal Caine and Bill Murray, who are both film saviors for hundreds of dead flicks. Micheal Caine saved; Jaws 4, Miss Congeniality, Without a Clue and many others. Bill Murray has saved; Mad Dog and Glory, Rushmore, Tootsie and others. Their very presence in the film made it worth seeing. If only for the few moments in the film that they appear in. This award was almost named the Hackman-Caine Award, but then I saw, The Birdcage and Mr. Hackman received a demerit, which allowed Mr. Murray to take the name.
There are, of course, two dozen or so actors that are Caine-Murray award winners; Willam Defoe, Mickey Rourke, Eugene Levy, Catherine O'hara, Tim Conway, Geoffery Rush, Carrie Fisher, Steve Buscemi just to name a few. I'm sure if you think about it, you will find that most of these people are not on your favorite actors lists, but are people that you thoroughly enjoyed in some movie that you thought was shit. Most of the movies we will buy on DVD or VHS are movies that contain these people in them. As we look over our list of movies, we are shocked that we own so many shitty movies until one day we think of that role that that one actor did in that one film and then we want to watch that shitty film again, just so we can enjoy it again. Tell me that Caddyshack would have been funny with John Belushi in Bill Murray's role. If you think I am kidding watch Caddyshack two, with Dan Akroyrd as Bill Murray's character. I bet you would be willing to buy Caddyshack, but they couldn't pay you enough to watch Caddyshack two.
Hollywood often speaks of someone having that, "it" quality. This "it" quality is supposed to make you a star, someone that people like to watch and admire. They have given this "it" title to Ben Affleck, Collin Ferrel, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, Demi Moore and Clara Bow. To their credit, they are all movie stars and adored by thousands AND they are all brilliantly worthless and one dimensional actors. That "it" quality seems to be, "faking it". I think the real "it" quality belongs to the Caine-Murray Award winners and I say that "it" quality is really "save it". As in, the ass of those pretty faced, talentless leads that are destroying the medium for everyone. It's sad that most of these Caine-Murray people don't see more film work or larger rolls in the films that they do work in, you would think that the studios and all their high priced brains would be able to see that the supporting cast makes the movie. (Usual Suspects, My Cousin Vinny) Someday, I hope that studios see that the better the supporting cast is written into the overall story and the better the casting agents does at putting notable personalities in those roles, the better the chances that the film will be a success. Wouldn't it be nice to go to the movies and not know which movie to see, not because it was a lesser of two evils but because they all sound so good that you don't know which one to see first?
A little secret about me; When I am on the road, or if I have a holiday or a whole day to kill, I will go to a large movie house around noon, pay the matinee ticket price and watch movies until the theater closes at 1 in the morning. That way my five bucks went to see four or five full movies and a two or three large chunks from other movies. It's the cheapest way to see everything and I am completely entertained by the naughtiness and scandal of it all. If you are worried, remember this, the people that work at theaters are paid minimum wage, work only four hours and don't remember anyone that comes through. AND, they don't care at all.
I know that you are going to submit your favorite actor names to me, please don't. Make your own list of favorite supporting actors and I would be willing to read that. Anyone that says Tom Cruise, Tom hangs or colony ferrule is their favorite actor, should watch sitcoms and game shows and leave the adults alone. Special attention will be paid to those of you who know that Mickey roars is the best actor in the world and that Tim Conway is the funniest man alive.
So there you stand. Your head turning from poster to poster, trying to figure out which film you want to spend ten bucks to see. Subconsciously you know that you are going to spend over 200 bucks a year on movies and you hope that one decision will be worth it. The great irony to this image is that the ten bucks you are about to spend is not supposed to be spent on the film, but the evening's entertainment and the overall experience of watching a film on the big screen. That was the way film was original presented to the general public. The studios spent less money on the films and more on the theaters that they played in. They knew that film needed to be an event from the moment you bought the ticket until you left. Nowadays, that entertainment concept is lost on the studios that will spend 250 million on a single film and you get to watch it in a room that only holds 50 people and is shown on a screen no bigger than a garage door. Going to the movies is supposed to be fun and exhilarating and, instead, you burn out before you walk in the door. When movies were three dollars or five dollars, it was easier to go watch a movie and tolerate the theaters and the mess. It didn't seem like that much of a loss if the movie sucked. I think the best part of the movie is walking through the doors of the theater and smelling the popcorn, finding a seat, seeing if it rocks back and forth, seeing if I can put up my feet comfortably, eating all of my M&M's before the trailers are over and waiting for that crackle and the simultaneous dimming of the lights that says, "showtime". The film, I could care less about. The ad that says, "no smoking, no talking and throw away your trash" takes away from my thrill and signals the end of my experience.
At ten bucks, we have become pickier about what we are willing to pay for, when we can buy the movie in a couple of months for less than the ticket price we pay to see it in the theater. We can watch it on cable, rent it or download it on the computer or just wait for regular television to play it without the curse words. (this is how I rank films. Screw stars or thumbs, I want to know when it's best to see a film. Theater, cable, rental, normal television, accidentally because it's in the middle of the night and there is nothing else on). The movie had better be pretty damn good for ten bucks. It had better be worthy of the big screen or otherwise you will opt for another entertainment option like live theater or casinos.
For every film that wows us, there are three or four dozen that make us question or judgment. However, there are some ways to save a lousy film and there are certain names to look in the cast that will guarantee that the film will be good as long as they are in it. These people are what I like to call, The Caine-Murray Award winners. Named after Micheal Caine and Bill Murray, who are both film saviors for hundreds of dead flicks. Micheal Caine saved; Jaws 4, Miss Congeniality, Without a Clue and many others. Bill Murray has saved; Mad Dog and Glory, Rushmore, Tootsie and others. Their very presence in the film made it worth seeing. If only for the few moments in the film that they appear in. This award was almost named the Hackman-Caine Award, but then I saw, The Birdcage and Mr. Hackman received a demerit, which allowed Mr. Murray to take the name.
There are, of course, two dozen or so actors that are Caine-Murray award winners; Willam Defoe, Mickey Rourke, Eugene Levy, Catherine O'hara, Tim Conway, Geoffery Rush, Carrie Fisher, Steve Buscemi just to name a few. I'm sure if you think about it, you will find that most of these people are not on your favorite actors lists, but are people that you thoroughly enjoyed in some movie that you thought was shit. Most of the movies we will buy on DVD or VHS are movies that contain these people in them. As we look over our list of movies, we are shocked that we own so many shitty movies until one day we think of that role that that one actor did in that one film and then we want to watch that shitty film again, just so we can enjoy it again. Tell me that Caddyshack would have been funny with John Belushi in Bill Murray's role. If you think I am kidding watch Caddyshack two, with Dan Akroyrd as Bill Murray's character. I bet you would be willing to buy Caddyshack, but they couldn't pay you enough to watch Caddyshack two.
Hollywood often speaks of someone having that, "it" quality. This "it" quality is supposed to make you a star, someone that people like to watch and admire. They have given this "it" title to Ben Affleck, Collin Ferrel, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, Demi Moore and Clara Bow. To their credit, they are all movie stars and adored by thousands AND they are all brilliantly worthless and one dimensional actors. That "it" quality seems to be, "faking it". I think the real "it" quality belongs to the Caine-Murray Award winners and I say that "it" quality is really "save it". As in, the ass of those pretty faced, talentless leads that are destroying the medium for everyone. It's sad that most of these Caine-Murray people don't see more film work or larger rolls in the films that they do work in, you would think that the studios and all their high priced brains would be able to see that the supporting cast makes the movie. (Usual Suspects, My Cousin Vinny) Someday, I hope that studios see that the better the supporting cast is written into the overall story and the better the casting agents does at putting notable personalities in those roles, the better the chances that the film will be a success. Wouldn't it be nice to go to the movies and not know which movie to see, not because it was a lesser of two evils but because they all sound so good that you don't know which one to see first?
A little secret about me; When I am on the road, or if I have a holiday or a whole day to kill, I will go to a large movie house around noon, pay the matinee ticket price and watch movies until the theater closes at 1 in the morning. That way my five bucks went to see four or five full movies and a two or three large chunks from other movies. It's the cheapest way to see everything and I am completely entertained by the naughtiness and scandal of it all. If you are worried, remember this, the people that work at theaters are paid minimum wage, work only four hours and don't remember anyone that comes through. AND, they don't care at all.
I know that you are going to submit your favorite actor names to me, please don't. Make your own list of favorite supporting actors and I would be willing to read that. Anyone that says Tom Cruise, Tom hangs or colony ferrule is their favorite actor, should watch sitcoms and game shows and leave the adults alone. Special attention will be paid to those of you who know that Mickey roars is the best actor in the world and that Tim Conway is the funniest man alive.
posted by Daniel Loomis | 3:15 PM
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