deconstruction
There are several wine barrels that have been cut in half and filled with potting soil and flowers and they sit around the edge of my wrap-around porch. When I left a few weeks ago the flowers and plants inside the barrels were full of life and very colorful. Yesterday, sitting on the porch, I noticed that the flowers and plants have all been violated and destroyed. The telling signs of a free range chicken. To look at them now you would only see some barrels filled with potting soil, a few feathers and the stocks of what used to be some beautiful plants. The garden found a similar fate during my absence. The tomato plants are gone. The strawberries, the beets, the carrots - all gone. Just dying stocks and feathers. The field was spared the fate of the chicken but is slowing losing the battle to various weeds and dehydration. What was once a beautiful pasture for the horses to graze upon is now a oversized holding pen. I am hating myself for leaving and allowing all of this to happen. A whole summer of work, lost in a few weeks.
The need for the truck to complete some tasks forced me to drive, again, for another 6 hours to Yakima to pick it up from my mother. When I got to the store she is working in, I found her a bit upset over the news that her store is being purchased and closed which will mean less income for her. She had locked a lot of work in this store in the coming months and the thought of not having a place to work is unnerving. She is not someone that likes uncertainty and she was pretty edgy when I talked to her. So it was probably a bad idea to bring in the digital camera and show her the grave of her father, an image she has never seen before and one that I knew would be tough to see, I don't know where my mind was. Usually I am on top of these kinds of decisions. We talked briefly, we exchanged keys and I was gone in fifteen minutes. As I left, I could see the tears building up in her eyes. I'm not sure this visit went the way it could have or should have and I am kicking myself for not thinking it through.
I drove home. My body rebelling from the constant driving without a day of rest. I came home, tried to get some work done, but my body is screaming for rest. I can't seem to do much without it. I have tried to post, I have tried to email, I have tried to watch television, nothing is working. I went to bed at 9 o'clock feeling that I can get everything done tomorrow if I just get enough rest.
Today the soft winds of fall are sweeping across the farm and my body and mind do feel better. I have so many projects to do and such a little amount of time to do them in. I am usually pretty excited about getting things done, but I am just not there mentally. I think the death of certain parts of the farm have killed a part of my soul along with it. There would seem to be a link between my work and effort and the condition of my spirit and body. These telling signs proved themselves to me, yesterday when I went to the gym and tried to get back on the horse, sort of speak.
In two weeks on the road I exercised very little, I walked around Toronto and accumulated, at least 30 miles over two days. That was good, but not much else in the way of exercise. It was a great boost for me to walk around Toronto and I think it helped me get back home, physically. But I have not worked out in the gym for over two weeks and getting back in the habit is hard to do. My body has gotten used to relaxing and that lethargic feeling feels so good. I can see why so many people do it. I know it's hard to walk back into the gym. I have been in this position many times before. It takes a few mentally tough days of forcing yourself to go before you are looking forward to going again. Yesterday was day two and it was a mistake, I should have rested.
Day one, I didn't even notice the changes to my body or the gym. In my absence the owner put up mirrors in the gym that everyone has been asking for. Before those mirrors, a ton of us were having to jockey for position to look at ourselves in one tiny window in a door that gave off a warped reflection. It wasn't much, but it was all we had. Now, a third of the gym is reflective and there is room to move. Day one; Chest and triceps. I decided to lessen the normal amount of weight that I would normally do just in case I was weaker, however, a few reps into my first exercise, I realized that I am somehow stronger than before and I increased the weight. This is true of the Day two exercises. I may not have the mental strength, but the physical strength is up a bit. Wonderful. Weird, but wonderful.
Staring at yourself in the mirror and watching your muscles strain as your force them to do meaningless labor is strange and curious. My eyes and my body seem to be parts of two different people. My eyes speak of rest and future effort while my body seems to be concentrating on this 50 pound barbell that I am curling. The body is only focused on this ridiculous exercise and my mind is worried about how I am going to need to use these muscles later for manual labor on the farm.
The mirror reflects. It does not lie. For the first time in a long time I can see what my body looks like when effort is applied. It's not the pretty, sexy image I was hoping for. Sure, I am strong, but what I see in the mirror is not the image I was hoping to see. That was discouraging. On the other side of the mirror, my mind is reflected through my eyes and it shows a depression over what was and what needs to be. Needs, that's a weird way of putting it.
I feel asleep early with the sounds of the fall wind beating against the large picture windows of the house. Shadows of the trees danced across the walls of my room and there is a peaceful stillness to it all. My body went to sleep a few hours before, but my mind finally caught up with it.
How do you start over? How hard is it to get back on the horse? Where do you find the balance between need and effort? How much can the body take? Is it a good idea to let the memory of what was fuel the mind for what needs to be?
Our bodies are the reflection of the world we live in. Should something come along and change our world either because of our neglect or because of forces beyond our control, we will feel them physically as the mind reacts to the change. The garden is gone, so are the flowers in the wine barrels. The field is neglected, but that is how it works. Our best efforts to control mother nature or defy her behavior are worthless. She wins. She is a tidal wave of water that no dike can contain. The foolish belief that your best efforts will allow you to win will only come back to haunt you. You must decide if you will continue to wage the war against her or if you will admit that you can never win and work with her. Does it make sense to build a city under water and pretend that the water will never ruin your work? Does it make sense to rely so heavily on the faith that things will always work out and thus keeping the world from changing?
Our minds are the reflection of a future that has yet to happen as seen through a vision of the world that we have already seen. A world where we live forever, in health, happiness and prosperity. There is no speedbump to slow us down or impede our efforts in this world. The world will never have those beautiful wine barrel flowers again. No, not those flowers, but it will have flowers again, they will be "new" flowers.
The need for the truck to complete some tasks forced me to drive, again, for another 6 hours to Yakima to pick it up from my mother. When I got to the store she is working in, I found her a bit upset over the news that her store is being purchased and closed which will mean less income for her. She had locked a lot of work in this store in the coming months and the thought of not having a place to work is unnerving. She is not someone that likes uncertainty and she was pretty edgy when I talked to her. So it was probably a bad idea to bring in the digital camera and show her the grave of her father, an image she has never seen before and one that I knew would be tough to see, I don't know where my mind was. Usually I am on top of these kinds of decisions. We talked briefly, we exchanged keys and I was gone in fifteen minutes. As I left, I could see the tears building up in her eyes. I'm not sure this visit went the way it could have or should have and I am kicking myself for not thinking it through.
I drove home. My body rebelling from the constant driving without a day of rest. I came home, tried to get some work done, but my body is screaming for rest. I can't seem to do much without it. I have tried to post, I have tried to email, I have tried to watch television, nothing is working. I went to bed at 9 o'clock feeling that I can get everything done tomorrow if I just get enough rest.
Today the soft winds of fall are sweeping across the farm and my body and mind do feel better. I have so many projects to do and such a little amount of time to do them in. I am usually pretty excited about getting things done, but I am just not there mentally. I think the death of certain parts of the farm have killed a part of my soul along with it. There would seem to be a link between my work and effort and the condition of my spirit and body. These telling signs proved themselves to me, yesterday when I went to the gym and tried to get back on the horse, sort of speak.
In two weeks on the road I exercised very little, I walked around Toronto and accumulated, at least 30 miles over two days. That was good, but not much else in the way of exercise. It was a great boost for me to walk around Toronto and I think it helped me get back home, physically. But I have not worked out in the gym for over two weeks and getting back in the habit is hard to do. My body has gotten used to relaxing and that lethargic feeling feels so good. I can see why so many people do it. I know it's hard to walk back into the gym. I have been in this position many times before. It takes a few mentally tough days of forcing yourself to go before you are looking forward to going again. Yesterday was day two and it was a mistake, I should have rested.
Day one, I didn't even notice the changes to my body or the gym. In my absence the owner put up mirrors in the gym that everyone has been asking for. Before those mirrors, a ton of us were having to jockey for position to look at ourselves in one tiny window in a door that gave off a warped reflection. It wasn't much, but it was all we had. Now, a third of the gym is reflective and there is room to move. Day one; Chest and triceps. I decided to lessen the normal amount of weight that I would normally do just in case I was weaker, however, a few reps into my first exercise, I realized that I am somehow stronger than before and I increased the weight. This is true of the Day two exercises. I may not have the mental strength, but the physical strength is up a bit. Wonderful. Weird, but wonderful.
Staring at yourself in the mirror and watching your muscles strain as your force them to do meaningless labor is strange and curious. My eyes and my body seem to be parts of two different people. My eyes speak of rest and future effort while my body seems to be concentrating on this 50 pound barbell that I am curling. The body is only focused on this ridiculous exercise and my mind is worried about how I am going to need to use these muscles later for manual labor on the farm.
The mirror reflects. It does not lie. For the first time in a long time I can see what my body looks like when effort is applied. It's not the pretty, sexy image I was hoping for. Sure, I am strong, but what I see in the mirror is not the image I was hoping to see. That was discouraging. On the other side of the mirror, my mind is reflected through my eyes and it shows a depression over what was and what needs to be. Needs, that's a weird way of putting it.
I feel asleep early with the sounds of the fall wind beating against the large picture windows of the house. Shadows of the trees danced across the walls of my room and there is a peaceful stillness to it all. My body went to sleep a few hours before, but my mind finally caught up with it.
How do you start over? How hard is it to get back on the horse? Where do you find the balance between need and effort? How much can the body take? Is it a good idea to let the memory of what was fuel the mind for what needs to be?
Our bodies are the reflection of the world we live in. Should something come along and change our world either because of our neglect or because of forces beyond our control, we will feel them physically as the mind reacts to the change. The garden is gone, so are the flowers in the wine barrels. The field is neglected, but that is how it works. Our best efforts to control mother nature or defy her behavior are worthless. She wins. She is a tidal wave of water that no dike can contain. The foolish belief that your best efforts will allow you to win will only come back to haunt you. You must decide if you will continue to wage the war against her or if you will admit that you can never win and work with her. Does it make sense to build a city under water and pretend that the water will never ruin your work? Does it make sense to rely so heavily on the faith that things will always work out and thus keeping the world from changing?
Our minds are the reflection of a future that has yet to happen as seen through a vision of the world that we have already seen. A world where we live forever, in health, happiness and prosperity. There is no speedbump to slow us down or impede our efforts in this world. The world will never have those beautiful wine barrel flowers again. No, not those flowers, but it will have flowers again, they will be "new" flowers.
posted by Daniel Loomis | 8:20 AM
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