the water falls

This trip into Canada has been relatively smooth compared to the others, but I am still 48 hours away from my exit, so keep holding your breathe. I crossed into Canada at the Sarnia crossing above Detroit. Three hours of Brett Martin and some yummy Tim Hortons and I am in Toronto, the world's most culturally diverse city, or so it claims. It does show it with it's American traffic, Asian food, French clothing, Middle eastern business owners and African and South American employees. There is just a sense of unity to this place the just works better than anywhere else.

My first night in Canada I decided that I needed to see Niagara falls and take in the glory of nature's most perfect hydroelectric water show. It's here that Nikoli Tesla gave the world alternating current electricity and completely embarrassed Thomas Edison and his foolish direct current electricity. This act set the world back decades as Thomas Edison erased Tesla's name from history because of it. A truly sad affair considering that Tesla invented television, radio, and a bunch of other cool math stuff that you have probably never heard of but use today.

This is also the place that Clark Kent came out to Lois Lane that he was Superman. I think someone tried to hit a golfball over the falls a few weeks ago and a few people have tightrope-walked over it as well. With all of these historical facts, it goes without saying that Niagara falls would be a place that millions of people flock to every year to take in all this majesty, history and beauty by eating salt water taffy, buying keychains, taking pictures in front of posters of the falls and by paying 12 dollars to park to do it all. Yes, ten thousand people were there the day when I came into town to pay homage to my math hero, all of them eating, taking photos and lollygaging at the rail. It was late at night and I had to park a mile away just to see the falls. I had to stand in a sea of people to view the water and finally I was scared off by the circus-like atmosphere that nature's beauty had attracted. I saw the falls, briefly. I'm sure if Tesla knew about this, he would have chosen a different spot to change human history. I was half tempted to start up a conversation about love canal and it's proximity to the falls just to see if that piece of history would draw some sightseers away from the rails so I could enjoy the falls without feeling the urge to push people over the rail.

None of the Niagara pilgrims came to worship at Tesla's temple. In fact, there isn't one word about Tesla anywhere. The falls, best seen from the Canuck side of the falls, is referred to as "America's Honeymoon headquarters" and it's the home of every piece of capitalism and kitsch that can be stuffed into a very small valley with narrow roads. Very honeymoon-esque. The experience made me feel horny, sure. There is nothing more exciting that ten thousand people cramed together to buy Niagara falls keychains with their name on it. There is nothing that makes me as feisty as seeing a Hindu woman in full dress, eat an ice cream cone. Nothing gets me harder than blinding flash bulbs and screaming children in strollers. Nothing makes me want to slip my hand up a dress more than gazing at a crowd of people that will pay 15 bucks for a photo in front of a poster of the falls, TWENTY FEET, from the actual falls themselves.

It was warming to see that these people were getting along and if the falls can bring us together in a sense of awe and wonder, and make us forget that we our nations are presently at war with each other in other parts of the world then I am willing to overlook all the blasphemous behavior. Mother nature wins again with little to no effort. Water falls over an escarpment into a river below and there is no war to speak of, as long as you are watching it and being suckered in. It would seem that being a sucker is something that unifies us all. A fine mist falls upon your skin and it's not an angry flesh that gets soaked. I can dig that. I am also willing to pay money to watch ten of thousands of people pay to get drenched and smile about it.

The next day is the hockey hall of fame with Mr. Hockey himself, Brett Martin. As a Canuck and a loyal hockey fan, you would assume that living two miles away from the most hallowed hall of fame in sports would pull him in everyday. No, this was his first trip. It was a lot of "sweaters" or jerseys, loads of pucks, lots of Wayne Gretsky and a shit load of cups, platters and trophies that I have never heard of. It would seem that there is an award for everyone that plays hockey every year no matter what you did or did not do. The phrase, "this award.... as voted by the... each year... is given to the... of their team." is found on each award. Fill in the blank on who, what and where.

I played Mr. Hockey in a game of simulated hockey and beat him on the first round. A sense of American pride not found in this hall of fame on a regular basis could be felt for a few brief moments. Then he schooled me to take the series 2-1. Typical Canadain come from behind behavior. The shame of losing to a novice "yank" would have been too much shame for Mr. Hockey to live with. He would have had to fling himself off the falls had he lost.

There is a mix of culture here. It seems that the world's refugees from the extreme nature of their former cultures have fled to Toronto to show the rest of the world that it can work if you give everyone enough doughnuts and coffee. It can work if you lighten up. Throw in some good cheer and the future is set. I am enjoying my stay... So far. Mother nature is making the juice that keeps eastern North America running and apparently she doesn't care that a Hindu woman is eating ice cream made from the sacred milk of the gods. All life is possible if we forget why we made it impossible in the first place. There is probably an award in the Hall of fame for you if you are willing to accept that attitude.

Thank you Mr. Tesla for all you have done... this gellato is for you. I looked for a keychain with your name on it, but even your first name is not allowed here.