blood thirsty demons among us
I love a good horror story and I love a good horror film. I especially the horror films that make their central horror device a devious or possessed animal that runs rampant on an unsuspecting town/family/community and kills a lot of people with it's/their pointy teeth. I love those the most, especially when the animal is your neighborhood friendly-living-in-your-house type: Cats, dogs, fish, rabbits, lizards, weasels, polar bears, snakes, etc. There is nothing like watching an animal get back at it's owners for all the repression.
Dogs do kill. And those they don't kill (121 Deaths Per Year or DPY, for short) they maim horribly (3429 Maimings Per Year or MPY, for short) making them the scariest pet to own right? Wrong. I think that owning a dog is the safest animal to own, even though their numbers are high. I think that's a good thing. I am not confident that all the numbers are reported on other animals, for example; The DPY for cats is low, but that's because they are trained, disciplined killers that know how to use stealth and propaganda effectively. Their DPY = 15. This number does not include the number of people killed by feline leukemia or other feline diseases. Nor does the number reflect the deaths caused by "accidents" that are cat inspired: Tripping over them and falling onto a coffee table thus opening your skull. Cars swerving into trees. Building collapses. Dealy Plaza assassinations. Think about it. Cats are cleaver killers, and they have avoided the deadliest animal in the world tag. I want to know more, don't you?
When trying to find the deadliest animal of them all, you have to first decide what kind of deadly we are talking about. Here are some facts for you.
The four deadliest creatures on the planet. In no particular order.
#1 Bacteria, virusi and other germs. The big cheese of awesome slayers. These little bastards are responsible for more deaths than anything else on the planet. They kill more people than lightning, sharks, bullets and NASCAR combined. DPY=6 million plus. MPY = 15 million plus.
#2 Humans. These second rate killers are more creative about their killing process. They are actually more "responsible" for the deaths of other humans without actually doing the killing. They are big into "tool killing", which can involve bacteria, fungus, bullets, cars, dogs, cats, knives, hammers, and whatever else CSI can come up with. DPY = 2.8 million plus??? MPY = 8 million plus???
#3 Hippos. For some reason this animal, a favorite among radio stations, children's book authors/animators, and second unit directors on location in Africa - is a fierce and lethal animal. There are very, very few cases of these animals being kept as pets. This could be because the person that has them as a pet is already dead and they can't call and to tell you to come over and look at their new pet hippo. DPY = 3,000 plus. MPY = zero, they are out for the kill and those that are maimed by hippos are too ashamed to come forward and tell their story.
#4 Mosquitoes. These little annoying fuckers are worth all the smacking death that they see. They live for nothing else than to suck your blood and then die within hours of their malicious attack. They too are not actual "killers" but more enablers. Again, death "by way of." Weapon of choice - bacteria, virusi and the occasional hand gun, but only if enough of them get together and pitch in. There are several reported cases of people killing themselves by swatting at mosquitoes while using knives or other sharp objects, etc. DPY = 2 million. MPY = 9 million.
These are some nasty bastards. However, they don't seem nearly as bad as the kitties and puppies that make for entertaining horror movies. When Hollywood makes movies that involve fungus, bacteria, virusi or germs, no one cares and they film flops - Andromeda Strain, Outbreak, And The Band Played On - Have you seen them? Probably not. People like a killer they can see and that can carry an axe and hunt their prey while moody music is playing. It's all in the suspense. Fungus is rarely suspenseful.
The weirdest thing to me is how much we spend each year on keeping ourselves alive in the face of all this impending doom.
We spend collectively 105 BILLION dollars fighting off bacteria, fungus, virusi and other germs. 7 billion is spent on anti-bacterial soap alone. Each year!
We spend 8 TRILLION to fight off the threat of other humans. 5 TRI-LLI-ON... This includes bullets, tanks, walls, television, locks on doors, pepper spray and Wal-mart lingerie.
Hippo defense = Less than half a million. And this is if you count bullets spent bought, but not specifically for hippo protection. Plus the barriers at the zoos that keep the hippos in their cages.
Mosquito defense = 2 BILLION.
Horror films = 500 million.
The effectiveness of all this expenditure: Nada. People keep on dying despite all our best efforts. It's like that scene near the end of the horror movie where there is just a small handful of characters left. The characters have figured out what the threat is, what the weakness is and how to kill off their problem, but they only have limited resources and abilities. They know that not everyone is going to make it, but no one is going to say it. So they keep trying to cheer up the most pessimistic member of the group...
"YOU'RE GONNA LIVE, DAMN YOU!!!"
...But no one has died in a while and you know that not everyone is going to make it. One or two have to go, but which ones? We have grown to care so much for these people, but we know that one of them must be eaten or fried or sliced open or ripped apart or set on fire... ALL for our own sick sense of entertainment. And so that the movie can maintain its "realism". So who's it going to be? Is it going to be Richard Dreyfuss or Robert Shaw? OR, OR... Could it be Roy Schneider? OR all three? Hmmm. Suspense.
I suggest that the next great horror film shouldn't be another ghost story, which is the big trend at the moment. As far as I can tell, the ghost DPY is a paltry. There is only one known case of ghost related death in history and even that is being very, very generous to the ghosts. Time for Hollywood to make some real "realistic" horror films like, "ATTACK OF THE BACTERIA LADDEN HIPPOS." Now that would scare me.
Dogs do kill. And those they don't kill (121 Deaths Per Year or DPY, for short) they maim horribly (3429 Maimings Per Year or MPY, for short) making them the scariest pet to own right? Wrong. I think that owning a dog is the safest animal to own, even though their numbers are high. I think that's a good thing. I am not confident that all the numbers are reported on other animals, for example; The DPY for cats is low, but that's because they are trained, disciplined killers that know how to use stealth and propaganda effectively. Their DPY = 15. This number does not include the number of people killed by feline leukemia or other feline diseases. Nor does the number reflect the deaths caused by "accidents" that are cat inspired: Tripping over them and falling onto a coffee table thus opening your skull. Cars swerving into trees. Building collapses. Dealy Plaza assassinations. Think about it. Cats are cleaver killers, and they have avoided the deadliest animal in the world tag. I want to know more, don't you?
When trying to find the deadliest animal of them all, you have to first decide what kind of deadly we are talking about. Here are some facts for you.
The four deadliest creatures on the planet. In no particular order.
#1 Bacteria, virusi and other germs. The big cheese of awesome slayers. These little bastards are responsible for more deaths than anything else on the planet. They kill more people than lightning, sharks, bullets and NASCAR combined. DPY=6 million plus. MPY = 15 million plus.
#2 Humans. These second rate killers are more creative about their killing process. They are actually more "responsible" for the deaths of other humans without actually doing the killing. They are big into "tool killing", which can involve bacteria, fungus, bullets, cars, dogs, cats, knives, hammers, and whatever else CSI can come up with. DPY = 2.8 million plus??? MPY = 8 million plus???
#3 Hippos. For some reason this animal, a favorite among radio stations, children's book authors/animators, and second unit directors on location in Africa - is a fierce and lethal animal. There are very, very few cases of these animals being kept as pets. This could be because the person that has them as a pet is already dead and they can't call and to tell you to come over and look at their new pet hippo. DPY = 3,000 plus. MPY = zero, they are out for the kill and those that are maimed by hippos are too ashamed to come forward and tell their story.
#4 Mosquitoes. These little annoying fuckers are worth all the smacking death that they see. They live for nothing else than to suck your blood and then die within hours of their malicious attack. They too are not actual "killers" but more enablers. Again, death "by way of." Weapon of choice - bacteria, virusi and the occasional hand gun, but only if enough of them get together and pitch in. There are several reported cases of people killing themselves by swatting at mosquitoes while using knives or other sharp objects, etc. DPY = 2 million. MPY = 9 million.
These are some nasty bastards. However, they don't seem nearly as bad as the kitties and puppies that make for entertaining horror movies. When Hollywood makes movies that involve fungus, bacteria, virusi or germs, no one cares and they film flops - Andromeda Strain, Outbreak, And The Band Played On - Have you seen them? Probably not. People like a killer they can see and that can carry an axe and hunt their prey while moody music is playing. It's all in the suspense. Fungus is rarely suspenseful.
The weirdest thing to me is how much we spend each year on keeping ourselves alive in the face of all this impending doom.
We spend collectively 105 BILLION dollars fighting off bacteria, fungus, virusi and other germs. 7 billion is spent on anti-bacterial soap alone. Each year!
We spend 8 TRILLION to fight off the threat of other humans. 5 TRI-LLI-ON... This includes bullets, tanks, walls, television, locks on doors, pepper spray and Wal-mart lingerie.
Hippo defense = Less than half a million. And this is if you count bullets spent bought, but not specifically for hippo protection. Plus the barriers at the zoos that keep the hippos in their cages.
Mosquito defense = 2 BILLION.
Horror films = 500 million.
The effectiveness of all this expenditure: Nada. People keep on dying despite all our best efforts. It's like that scene near the end of the horror movie where there is just a small handful of characters left. The characters have figured out what the threat is, what the weakness is and how to kill off their problem, but they only have limited resources and abilities. They know that not everyone is going to make it, but no one is going to say it. So they keep trying to cheer up the most pessimistic member of the group...
"YOU'RE GONNA LIVE, DAMN YOU!!!"
...But no one has died in a while and you know that not everyone is going to make it. One or two have to go, but which ones? We have grown to care so much for these people, but we know that one of them must be eaten or fried or sliced open or ripped apart or set on fire... ALL for our own sick sense of entertainment. And so that the movie can maintain its "realism". So who's it going to be? Is it going to be Richard Dreyfuss or Robert Shaw? OR, OR... Could it be Roy Schneider? OR all three? Hmmm. Suspense.
I suggest that the next great horror film shouldn't be another ghost story, which is the big trend at the moment. As far as I can tell, the ghost DPY is a paltry. There is only one known case of ghost related death in history and even that is being very, very generous to the ghosts. Time for Hollywood to make some real "realistic" horror films like, "ATTACK OF THE BACTERIA LADDEN HIPPOS." Now that would scare me.
posted by Daniel Loomis | 8:09 PM
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