i am mocked and hacked by society
That asshole!! My best new joke!! And that dumb motherfucker stole my idea and made it a reality and now I can't do the joke, ever again!!
In a growing trend of taking Daniel Rock's greatest hits and turning them into real stories in the news (just so he can ever use them again on stage) a man was arrested recently, for trying to SELL HIS KIDS! THUS, destroying the "Gee, I would have never thought of that" aspect of my joke and making it worthless. It's getting so that a decent man like me can't make a living coming up with new forms of evil anymore. Someone always has to top me.
And, of course now we have the THANK YOU FOR SMOKING movie (which is hilarious by the way, and you should see it... Right NOW) which is stomping on all of my smoking material and eliminating that ten minutes of material from my show. Thankfully, the racial jokes and the anti-love jokes are still entact. I guess that my only salvation will come in the form of becoming a nasty racist and the high priest of hatred on stage, just to keep ahead of the game. Comedy just ain't what it used to be. Damn youngsters!
I try really hard to come up with original material that has never ever been touched on before by another comic. True, the smoking material isn't new, but the angle I took on it was. But with the new movie out and doing well, my material will seem borrowed or cheap and a lot of my insightful charm will be lost. I guess I am just doomed to be another sub-standard comic making a living singing parody songs and ranting and raving about how much "rules" suck. I guess this is what they are talking about when they say that they will never let you be yourself. This saddens me... I believed those posters on the wall in elementary school. You know, the ones with kittens and monkeys that said, "You can do it!".. I guess I was just another sucker.
I would just like to take this moment to thank all wife killers out there and I would also like to thank Hallmark cards for making the rest of my career possible. Without the two polar extremes in the dynamic world of love expression that aide me in my quest to raise funds, I would be lost. A good thirty minutes of my act was lost in one month. I'm crushed. Thankfully, no matter what happens in the world in regards to L-O-V-E, I will always have an act. Thank you crazy people. Thank you.
I still can't believe that some asshole out there tried to sell his daughter for $7,000 and he got caught. It was my idea first, damn it! I have it on tape from my shows in Spokane. I can prove that this slimy motherfucker stole my idea. Of course, I did say that you should seek $100,000 and he only tried to sell his kid for $7,000, but still... The genius is mine. There needs to be a patent on great evil ideas. For example; Today I devised a way to gas a large population of people in a small amount of time, using nothing but exhaust fumes from a school bus. I will keep the details secret because I don't want you all to run off and start stealing my idea, but I'll say this about it - Pure genius. Look for it in the next month. I'm sure some bus will run off the side of a mountain somewhere, killing everyone. All because of my great joke/idea.
I heard a commercial somewhere, where this guy said that if you have the next great idea send in ten bucks, the idea and his company will get you the patent for it. You own the idea, and you become rich watching everyone pay a fee to use it. Donald Trump did it with "You're fired." Paris Hilton did it with "That's hot." and Bill O'Reilly tried to sue Al Franken for using, "The Factor" on his show. So it is possible to own ideas and such. Of course, I can see this guy from the commercial fucking me over too. Next time I need to have an idea stolen, I don't need to pay ten bucks to have it done, I can just go on stage and give it away for free. Evil, it would seem, is a growth industry and I am just a "mom and pop" in this field.
You might be asking yourself; Well why isn't Daniel coming up with peaceful, useful ideas that would help the world. And I would say this; Shut up, you loser! I am. Now get on the bus and keep the windows up. Nice just doesn't pay the bills. There is not that goes by where I don't.... where any of us doesn't showcase our sick potential for evil. Evil is what we are, nice is a choice.
Everytime I suggest a peaceful easy feelin', no one listens. No one wants to hear peaceful easy feelin's anymore. They're boring and they usually come from the mouth of someone that is to peaceful and easy. Good ideas are born out of harsh realities, for example: Boats - idea that came after too many people that couldn't swim drowned or were eaten by sharks. Skillets - ever cooked an egg in your hand? Give it a try and see what you come up with. Murder - HEY, it's only murder if it sees a courtroom. Until then, it's a solution to a personal problem.
My act will live on in the recordings that I have in my possession and that will soon be on the web site. It's hard to listen to the material after the fact, as I tend to get carried away in shows and that gets lost in the retelling of the story. Now when I listen to the jokes about smoking being a good health choice and selling your kids to pay off loans, I will no longer smile and the cheer in my heart will be gone. No, there will be nothing but sadness and a deep dark sense that I have me some revenge brewing.
If, in the next three weeks, someone drowns in a vat of trucker diarrhea to show the depth of their love for their prom date, I'm going to crawl into a fetal position and cry. People, leave my evil alone.
In a growing trend of taking Daniel Rock's greatest hits and turning them into real stories in the news (just so he can ever use them again on stage) a man was arrested recently, for trying to SELL HIS KIDS! THUS, destroying the "Gee, I would have never thought of that" aspect of my joke and making it worthless. It's getting so that a decent man like me can't make a living coming up with new forms of evil anymore. Someone always has to top me.
And, of course now we have the THANK YOU FOR SMOKING movie (which is hilarious by the way, and you should see it... Right NOW) which is stomping on all of my smoking material and eliminating that ten minutes of material from my show. Thankfully, the racial jokes and the anti-love jokes are still entact. I guess that my only salvation will come in the form of becoming a nasty racist and the high priest of hatred on stage, just to keep ahead of the game. Comedy just ain't what it used to be. Damn youngsters!
I try really hard to come up with original material that has never ever been touched on before by another comic. True, the smoking material isn't new, but the angle I took on it was. But with the new movie out and doing well, my material will seem borrowed or cheap and a lot of my insightful charm will be lost. I guess I am just doomed to be another sub-standard comic making a living singing parody songs and ranting and raving about how much "rules" suck. I guess this is what they are talking about when they say that they will never let you be yourself. This saddens me... I believed those posters on the wall in elementary school. You know, the ones with kittens and monkeys that said, "You can do it!".. I guess I was just another sucker.
I would just like to take this moment to thank all wife killers out there and I would also like to thank Hallmark cards for making the rest of my career possible. Without the two polar extremes in the dynamic world of love expression that aide me in my quest to raise funds, I would be lost. A good thirty minutes of my act was lost in one month. I'm crushed. Thankfully, no matter what happens in the world in regards to L-O-V-E, I will always have an act. Thank you crazy people. Thank you.
I still can't believe that some asshole out there tried to sell his daughter for $7,000 and he got caught. It was my idea first, damn it! I have it on tape from my shows in Spokane. I can prove that this slimy motherfucker stole my idea. Of course, I did say that you should seek $100,000 and he only tried to sell his kid for $7,000, but still... The genius is mine. There needs to be a patent on great evil ideas. For example; Today I devised a way to gas a large population of people in a small amount of time, using nothing but exhaust fumes from a school bus. I will keep the details secret because I don't want you all to run off and start stealing my idea, but I'll say this about it - Pure genius. Look for it in the next month. I'm sure some bus will run off the side of a mountain somewhere, killing everyone. All because of my great joke/idea.
I heard a commercial somewhere, where this guy said that if you have the next great idea send in ten bucks, the idea and his company will get you the patent for it. You own the idea, and you become rich watching everyone pay a fee to use it. Donald Trump did it with "You're fired." Paris Hilton did it with "That's hot." and Bill O'Reilly tried to sue Al Franken for using, "The Factor" on his show. So it is possible to own ideas and such. Of course, I can see this guy from the commercial fucking me over too. Next time I need to have an idea stolen, I don't need to pay ten bucks to have it done, I can just go on stage and give it away for free. Evil, it would seem, is a growth industry and I am just a "mom and pop" in this field.
You might be asking yourself; Well why isn't Daniel coming up with peaceful, useful ideas that would help the world. And I would say this; Shut up, you loser! I am. Now get on the bus and keep the windows up. Nice just doesn't pay the bills. There is not that goes by where I don't.... where any of us doesn't showcase our sick potential for evil. Evil is what we are, nice is a choice.
Everytime I suggest a peaceful easy feelin', no one listens. No one wants to hear peaceful easy feelin's anymore. They're boring and they usually come from the mouth of someone that is to peaceful and easy. Good ideas are born out of harsh realities, for example: Boats - idea that came after too many people that couldn't swim drowned or were eaten by sharks. Skillets - ever cooked an egg in your hand? Give it a try and see what you come up with. Murder - HEY, it's only murder if it sees a courtroom. Until then, it's a solution to a personal problem.
My act will live on in the recordings that I have in my possession and that will soon be on the web site. It's hard to listen to the material after the fact, as I tend to get carried away in shows and that gets lost in the retelling of the story. Now when I listen to the jokes about smoking being a good health choice and selling your kids to pay off loans, I will no longer smile and the cheer in my heart will be gone. No, there will be nothing but sadness and a deep dark sense that I have me some revenge brewing.
If, in the next three weeks, someone drowns in a vat of trucker diarrhea to show the depth of their love for their prom date, I'm going to crawl into a fetal position and cry. People, leave my evil alone.
posted by Daniel Loomis | 10:09 AM
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