he's so smart

The number of people I know with children is growing. I can remember a time in my life when only one or two people I knew had children and the rest didn't want any. Now, everyone has one. It's a virus or something.

I have stated my aversion to children before, but there are times when they can be quite a bit of fun. The best part about children is knowing that this time spent together is short and WILL end. Not so for parents.

So I am not as taken back when people I meet say they have one or two or three. What I am taken back by now is how many of them feel they have the smartest, best looking children of all time. I don't know what it is that makes them feel this way, and it's getting old to listen too. I think we need to set some standards here so that all you parents out there can determine once and for all if you have birthed a genius.

One. If the child is so smart, send them to the store alone and buy all the groceries for the week for the entire family. The logistics alone would make that doll of yours a true mensa monster if they got it right. They have to get there, fend off danger, select food off the shelves, price and budget correctly, check out, not over spend, and then transport back all the goods. If the child doesn't make it or ends up buying (or stealing) a candy bar and some laffy taffy, then you have a pretty good indication where your baby is on the genius ladder.

Two. Dip them in gasoline and give them a lighter. I think this challenge speaks for itself.

Three. Have them reorganize a room of your house. Again, logistics are a major part of this. Problem solving is a sign of intelligence. I'm sure you have seen the monkeys, rats and mice with that button for food, button for pain experiment. If you haven't, then you're no judge of intelligence and you should withdraw your child from consideration.

Four. Disassemble their favorite video game in front of them. Then time how long it takes for them to put it back together. Either way, you win on this one.

Five. Put them at a piano and play any of mozart's music. Then turn it off and have them play it back.. or as close as they can. The rewards here are priceless.

Six. Have them rewire a room in your house and install a few more outlets. This one is great fun.

Intelligence, dear parents, is not found in your awe. They are supposed to be learning. If you are amazed at what they learn because months before they were eating their own toes, then you are judging them on false pretenses.

What you are really doing when you say your child is smart is being mean. Being selfish. What you are really stating is how relieved you are that your child isn't retarded. You even say how smart your child is with a sigh of relief when you say it. Whew! He isn't a fucking moron. Shame on you.

The great irony here is that most children are months behind in development and stagnant when they get to the walking/talking stages. Parents plop their babies down in front of televisions and videos and they walk away. The child learns about the world from Blues Clues and muppets ( muppets were a big part of my learning experience ). So instead of learning valuable life lessons that will help them cope with the next stages of life, we, as a society, hold them back out of fear and anxiety laden excuses. Parents are so frightened of what might happen to them, what might happen to them if it happened to them or worse, what would just happen in general, that parents raise their children out of the "don't do this, don't do that. No reason, just don't do it because I said so." Watching out for you own ass, good for you....

You're child is truly a genius when it can live life without you at 10. It has basic skills, basic knowledge and can keep itself alive without fast food, television and parental supervision. If he/she can do that, you have, indeed, raised a smart child. If he/she can't, then you are raising your child to be just another retard, like you.

The job of a parent, as I see it, is to raise a child so that it doesn't turn out to be the same fuck up we are. For some reason, every parent limits their child's development to be free of mistakes as if that is what guarantees a perfect future. Parents!! Your child needs bumps and bruises. Needs to get sick. Needs to put things in it's mouth that will hurt it and needs exposure to disease. Your job is to then teach your child how to learn, deal with and live past the experience. That way it doesn't become 18 and set out on the world, to do everything I listed above, without you.

Note... if they were ugly kids.... you wouldn't feed it. OF COURSE it's beautiful!

Some questions for you... how many of you are exact opposites of your parents? Their values? How many of you stand in direct opposition of their dreams and goals for you? How many of you feel you are more sexual active then your parents ever were? More perverted? More evil? Nicer? How many of you did everything your parents told you to do? What makes you think your child will do everything you tell it?

FINAL THOUGHT..

THE FIRST STAGE OF LEARNING IN A CHILD IS MANIPULATION. THEY KNOW IF THEY CRY, YOU WILL DO WHAT THEY ASK. THIS SKILL LIVES WITH THEM FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE.

LAST QUESTION.

HOW OFTEN DOES YOUR CHILD WIN THE BATTLES WITH YOU?